Today I need to speak about something. Amnesia. I”m a faker. You read my blog and all I say. You think how I write everything and link things together, how I know so much about blogging and my life.
I’m a faker.
I study, and have routines.
People think of me as being well. How Ronovan is not sick any longer.
I am a master faker.
What you read in this blog are the words of a man who repeats his life daily. I eat the same meals daily. I have medicines laid out in small cups with time labels with them as a reminder when to take them daily.
Then the 70 year old mother in-law must remind to take them.
People have read some of my recent series on comic books with memories I have and don’t realize those are memories I have been told only hours earlier. Fortunately memories having been shared previously with other people in my life, even my 10 year old son. Apparently I talked with him a great deal about comic books, or else he listened well.
But I’m a faker.
I went to my parents this past Saturday. I know this. I don’t remember what happened.
Amnesia and short term memory problems are not fun. Add to that Fibromyalgia and Fibro fog. Think of having blank spots of decades. Think of not having memories to share of experiences. Think of having people who obviously care but you no longer know them.
Think of the stress on the mind and body as one tries to remember and can’t and people don’t understand. Think of wanting to retreat into a world that only you exist in and be alone forever.
I’m a faker.
I am selfish.
My focus has become me, when apparently it once was everyone else. I leave the house once every two months or so. I walk out the door perhaps four. I look at my cat Spunky through the door as the woman I call Grandma feeds him and his family and he loves on her.
I have become afraid of any illness. I don’t want to return to the hospital.
I write books. I know this because I am reminded of it. It is a daily part of what I do. Routine. I have a writing partnership. I enjoy writing, it allows me to create worlds and people and not worry about reality or lost realities.
I don’t have to worry about disappointing, hurting or causing people to hate me because of my not remembering. Imagine having people in your life, nice people, but people who make your brain feel as though it were being compressed and about to pop at the same time.
Now combine that with the guilt of knowing it must be your fault. Then the physical ill that occurs. The mass confusion that begins and creates these storms of what to do, what to do. Now you cannot sleep but two or three hours a day. Eating is something that you think you did. You realize that noise in your stomach must mean you are hungry.
Imagine all of the storms together and for a moment you wonder what hungry is. You know what it is but for a moment you forget.
You make a decision to try and help yourself be well, to be at the least a little better, to stop the confusion storms and pains. The migraine spikes and sleeplessness might end. Then, you are . . .
What are you?
You spent days and days agonizing over decisions.
People don’t understand memory problems. It is an almost surreal thing. I don’t understand it and I live it. At least I think i do. My world is one being formed anew and quite often it seems built on loss.
I never intend to cause problems, pain, disappointments, heartbreak, heartache. However, it seems as though when I am honest I am a disaster creator. I feel hated at times. People don’t understand that I just don’t know.
And they don’t understand that I understand how they just don’t know how I don’t know any longer. Is it easy for me to tell people, “I don’t know you”? To finally come out and try to worry about me?
I’m sitting here now after having done that and now feeling a need to relieve myself of the breakfast I had to take with my first cup of medicines for the day, yes, a cup of pills. I can’t lose them. If I get sick, the pills are gone.
I’m stressing to the max, as some might say. Do I let guilt of something I don’t know force me to lie? Or do I keep trying to be healthy and try to mend?
You see, I try to be an encourager to a lot of people. It’s not something I do on purpose, but I share and it just has happened. Sure, I love it. It’s part of my make up. I guess my DNA or something. Now I am a disappointer, a devastator, a person that hates, a person that is a liar.
Yes, I have been called some of those things today. I understand it. After sharing this I will likely turn off and lie here in bed hoping I feel up to going to my son’s baseball game, his 11th game ever, and I’ve only been able to attend one. I ended up in the hospital the last time. Precautions have had to be made. Now, I’m not even sure I will be able to go.
Do I blame anyone?
Yes.
I blame me. I’m the one with amnesia. I’m the one that loses what people don’t understand. I’m the one that causes the pain. I’m the one that can’t explain because I don’t have the words at times. Yeah, that’s part of it all too, I don’t have the words. For a writer, not knowing words makes for some boring writing. The thesaurus is my friend. I use it and put in the word that is almost what I know I am looking for.
I don’t hate. I don’t lie. I don’t have the energy or time left in my life to do either. What am I?
I am me.
Whatever that me is today, that’s who I am.
Ronovan
This has not been a sympathy piece. It has been a blogging piece, old school style. A dear diary style of post. Something I had to get out and put down.
ronovanwrites 
Well, there really is no blame to be claimed here if you think about it, this is simply life. You didn’t go to the store and ‘buy’ a pound of amnesia and then dole it out dram by dram to piss people off or to hurt them. Rather than to think that you have amnesia, it would seem to be more like it has you. If people don’t understand this then more’s the pity for life isn’t about everyone around you being just as you want them to be, it’s about having the compassion to let people be. To help where and when you can and to embrace the energy of similarity such as we all have tender hearts, we all bleed when cut and right down to the fact that we all require oxygen to survive. No my friend I do not accept that you need to apologize for anything, to anyone at any point in time and especially NOT to those who are around you on a regular basis. You are loved and accepted for precisely who you are, a glorious, beautiful child of God! I love you for who you are and by gosh many others do as well. For those who don’t or can’t, well then that’s on them, please consider releasing the need to own their inability to handle themselves around you. Your courage and bravery are second only to the capacity of your heart to love and love is all that really matters! Know that you are loved and allow that knowledge to be the strength you lean on at all times! God Bless you.
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What Annette says!
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This is bloody fantastic, I hope your day gets a little better Ronovan. I can’t pretend to understand how it feels to be lost in fibro fog, but I can say that I am able to relate to it. I have chronic pain and fatigue and although as off yet my memory isn’t quite shot to pieces, there are days when i’m not entirely sure what happened between the hours of waking up and going back to sleep. My hubby now likes to make jokes of it, when our favourite shows come to a seasons end he sits me down and makes a point of telling me that it’s finished now…a week later i’ll excitedly ask him when were gonna watch the next episode, for me the conversation simply never took place, I have no recollection of it at all! It can often feel like a very lonely place, constant pain and constant tiredness and I have days where words are swimming around in my mind but none of them seem to be able to make it too the page, it is like they simply disappear as I try in vain to catch them. I hope you manage to make it to your sons baseball game and if not, then I hope your son is able to understand the reasons why you were not able to.
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None of us know what goes on beneath the surface of others – we are all so much more complex characters than our blogs can ever show us to be. But that does not make our behind-the-scenes realities any less real because of it. Habits, routines and lists tend to help keep all of us on track to a greater or lesser extent, providing the perfect coping mechanism for covering up many health issues, so perhaps on that score there are lots of us who are a little bit fake, for many different reasons. But never doubt that your underlying humanity remains consistently real and shines through in all you write, even if you may feel frustrated that for you, your identity needs to be created anew each day. You are who you are in this present moment, and we love you for it, not in spite of it. Take care, and look after yourself 🙂
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That’s an easy one, Ron. You focus on and take care of you. What others do or don’t understand about the things you face has no bearing on the you you REALLY are. You do the best you can. You work on mending for the sake of your boy.
Something I’m learning, we’re each responsible for our own feelings and reactions. You can’t let what you think others think about you, or how you think you make them feel, dictate your own thoughts and feelings. Each person is responsible only for themselves.
So you do your thing. You’ve explained well what you’re going through, and it’s up to each of us to either accept or reject you. But none of it changes the person you are. Even when you can’t remember who that is.
🙂
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I can only echo the others and tell you again that you need not apologize, you are not a faker, you are not a liar, but you do have amnesia. We get it and we understand it. Let that be your grounding, your support core, and vent whenever you feel the need. We can handle it.
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Well, I can say one thing. You have all this going on with you, and yet, you inspire others (me, all the time) to go out and spread the words of support throughout our community in blogland. That is a legacy to you friend. Keep doing what you need to do. If you close your eyes tightly, you will feel all this support flowing to you from us, your friends. Peace and Joy Ron. ❤
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Ronovan, I don’t hear any guilt, I don’t hear any shame, I hear what you can always be counted on for and that is your truth. Not once did you come across as desiring sympathy. Just understandably a little tired and frustrated. Some people don’t understand–they don’t want to or are incapable because of their own ‘DNA’ and personal experiences. That is not your burden, if someone doesn’t believe what they can’t see, it’s not for you to prove to them. Sometimes we are the disappointer, the devastator, and we don’t meet other’s expectations of us and sometimes we are on the receiving end of that–life. Some things just can’t be helped. The cross you carry is weighty enough. It’s not easy to stop focusing on the one who you didn’t have a positive influence–but there are hundreds that you have and continue to have. It’s obvious to me that there is much love and respect for you Ronovan, not that you worked for, but that you deserve because you are selfless and walk in honesty and integrity. Make peace with it and move on emotionally for your own sake. They will have to do the same in their own time. Much love, peace, hugs, respect, and prayers coming your way Ronovan. Melissa XxXx
p.s. Venting is goooood!! It is nice to know that you trust us with your feelings.
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We are still here with you. We don’t do that for fakers or liars. You are the genuine article so let ‘er rip anytime..
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Bad Events in life, illness – they can have such a dramatic effect on us that we feel the person we once were is no more. The very core of our being and our worldview seem to have completed shattered as we see things through different eyes.
And it hurts. It hurts because we know of a different life and we’re reminded by others that we were once a better person. There may be brief flashes of our old selves, but that’s all it is: a brief flash.
I’ve come to realise that hope is important. Ronovan – Remember all the positive advice that you have put on your site. I’m sure that has reached out to a lot of people over time. What you write comes from the heart. Good words from a good person
On WordPress you have a permanent record of all your blogs – these are always worth a re-read on occasion.
Reading your blog has definitely given me a lift on occasion.
All the best – take it easy 🙂
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Reblogged this on Michaelphelps1's Blog and commented:
No matter what, RON is a MASTER . . . he wages a winng battle against debilitating illnesses. I admire him immensely.
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RON, GOD has BLESSED you in so many ways! You are a very talented man God has chosen to be an inspiration to so many others! YOU touch so many in very positive ways! You are definitely in my prayers!
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