Amaze Me – A Poem

How you amaze me
Every day
I think of ways
You give me life and meaning

 

No one who
Could be like you
And not change me

 

How you amaze me
How you amaze me
How  you amaze me

 

I travel through
a black blue sea
until I can be
just one of your days

 

Finding words
Like pulling nerves
Too many and all painful
Just let me be pain free
Once in my life

 

How you amaze me
How you amaze me
How you amaze me

 

Just once in my life
Make me pain free.

 

 

I used to call these my lyrical poems. I suppose all poems are lyrical…with the right accompaniment. What you see is what came out as it came out.

Standard Poetry Image for Friday

© 2020 Ronovan Hester Copyright reserved. The author asserts his moral and legal rights over this work.

TO SOAR – a poem

I miss the beauty while in the pain.

I forget the truth while fighting the lies.

I lose confidence while filthy in self-pity.

I

I

I

jailed in the mind-itching madness of insanity

the heart atrophies one beat at a time.

for the lack of…

what

of

of one touch

one touch

is that it

is that all it takes

all it takes for the heart to burst

from my chest and to soar

to soar across the lands

to soar across seas

to soar

to

to soar to… sweet… whispers

to… healing

or is it to soar to beat faster

and faster

and faster…

with each touch of lips and fingertips

is that mending

or is that sweet beauty

is that sweet pain

sweet insanity

sweet madness

the madness of a love so strong it defies the world

defines what love is what love has never been

oh that day

that day is going down in the works of historians

is going down in the songs of mankind

is going down

and all the pain, the tragedy,

the endless seconds passing in a hell of denial

will be soothed and released by the whispers

of…

by…

 

Ronovan writes standard poetry image

© 2020 Ronovan Hester Copyright reserved. The author asserts his moral and legal rights over this work.

Stumbling on: A Tanka Poem.

The breeze caresses

like your longing fingertips

fate glides through my mind

with lightning, thunder and pain

I stumble on day by day.

© 2020 Ronovan Hester Copyright reserved. The author asserts his moral and legal rights over this work.

ADDLED-BRAINED CAT LOVER: A Thank you Haiku Poem to a Feline.

ADDLED-BRAINED CAT LOVER

 

Felled by voiding blows,

I stumbled through life numbing days,

‘Til saved by a cat.

 

© 2020 Ronovan Hester Copyright reserved. The author asserts his moral and legal rights over this work.

A new year, a new plan.

Well, it’s a new year. Time to dust off the blog and see what I can do. I’ve been absent for the most part for this past year. Time to explain myself.

It took me several months to figure out what my problem has been in the lack of writing. I haven’t written anything over the past year other than a handful of posts and a short story that was published in an anthology. The problem? Lethargy. The cause?

As some of you know I have fibromyalgia or what is more commonly known as chronic pain along with chronic fatigue. I don’t know from one minute to the next what’s going to happen. Well, my medications were increased a while back and increased again. It turns out those medications cause something called lethargy. I call it energy killer.

I have all these ides but as soon as I start to go and put them into words I feel exhausted. This year I’m going to get my old habits back and write, write, and write some more. Sounds like a good idea, but then there is the how of doing it. My first thing is to participate in my haiku challenge each week. Who can’t come up with three lines of poetry, right?

Second, I’ll be plotting a six book series of YA Fantasy/Realism.

Third, I’ll work on two books of YA I’ve already written to get them in publishing worthy state.

Fourth, I’ll start submitting that Romance novel I’ve written. I’ll take my time and not kill myself by doing the over submitting like a lot of us tend to do. Do a few a month, wait for reactions, then do some more.

Fifth, well, the fifth is a secret, but I have some writing ideas.

All of these are things I’ve been planning for a long time, but now they are out there for the world to see. Maybe that will get me to actually doing something about them.

Oh yeah, and I have to read books for reviews on the LWI site. Can’t forget that. I’m tired already.

Now if I can overcome the medications I’ll be good. Wish me luck.

Boast in your weaknesses.

That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:10)

Sometimes you need to go to the book itself when you’re given a verse to read for the day. So I did, and read what led up to this statement by Paul to the Corinthians.

I like Paul because he’s not afraid to talk about his own failings, although he keeps his main failing, the ‘thorn’ in his flesh a secret, he still admits he has one. So what does the verse mean?

I look at myself as an example. I have Fibromyalgia which is also known as Chronic Pain. I have Chronic Fatigue, migraines that are always present, with variance in intensity, light and sound sensitivity, a sleep disorder, as well as spinal problems and other health issues. Why do I even look at those weaknesses in delight? Or perhaps the insults I’ve received at times?

Because with the help of God, those weaknesses, insults, and persecutions didn’t stop me from doing something I’ve dreamed of for decades. In fact, because of those weaknesses I may  have accomplished my goal of becoming a published author.

I took what life gave me and worked with it. I didn’t say that because my life isn’t the norm, that I couldn’t accomplish something. Even today I don’t know when I will sleep, when I will be awake. Sometimes I sleep three hours out of 48 and I will turn that into something useful in writing. What better way to describe sleep deprivation than being in it?

Anyone can brag about something they’ve done. But boasting about a weakness is something else. Overcoming hardships to be normal or even being extraordinary is something to talk about, but it’s mainly something to look to and realize help was given along the way. God directed me to write a book, or a few really. Within three months of an accident that changed my life forever, I’d written a book that I am about to shop to agents. I shouldn’t have been writing anything, but I had this need inside of me to challenge myself to accomplish something I’d never done before, write a romance novel. So it turned out to be a coming of age novel more than a romance. I still did it.

Having that helping hand to guide me, to support me, to lift me up when I fall backwards, is something that I know I can rely on and makes me more fearless in what I do. I am not afraid of weaknesses or failures. I use them.

Much Respect

Ronovan

A Great Life.

You ever have someone make you feel as though you were incapable of doing things, like you were an invalid of sorts?

Having Fibromyalgia, among other things, seems to give people some right to make claims over what I can and cannot do. Yes, I will hurt a lot if I exert myself too much. Does that mean I stop living?

“Never stop fighting until you arrive at your destined place – that is, the unique you. Have an aim in life, continuously acquire knowledge, work hard, and have perseverance to realise the great life.” A.P.J. Abdul Kalam was the 11th President of India from 2002 to 2007. A career scientist turned politician…(Wikipedia)

I guess one needs to determine what their destined place is. Once determined, then decide what fighting means. One also must come to realize what ‘great life’ means for them. Your great life may not be my great life. In fact, I can guarantee it’s not. How can I be sure?
I already know what great life means for me.
It takes a lot to fight. I call it sticking to my guns. Once you make a decision you must follow through with it. Many things will be thrown in your way. Sometimes they even make a lot of sense. You are momentarily sidetracked, waylaid. The goal, the great life is still ahead and still attainable, but the path is now muddied and rather being in a car you’re on foot.
The thing is, why are you now on foot? It’s because you let it happen. You let doubt and fear get in the way. Fear comes in many forms. You may fear some physical reaction. Maybe it’s a form of emotional abuse that attacks you and attempts to prevent you from arriving at your destination.
Yet, here I am, taking steps to enjoy my life. Just because my life doesn’t match the everyday ordinary vanilla expectations of those around me doesn’t mean that it’s wrong. It doesn’t mean it’s bad. You would be surprised at how little in my life these past few years would have been accomplished if I caved at every turn.
Here I am. Come and take me.

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@RonovanWrites

© Copyright-All rights reserved by ronovanwrites.wordpress.com 2016

Stevie Turner interviews @RonovanWrites

My first time as an Author being interviewed on a blog. 2o Questions ranging from my novel to my teaching experiences and favorite music. Click through and read all of the answers to all of the questions!

Lit World Interviews

I am pleased to feature an interview with Ronovan Writes, who has kindly invited me here to submit articles for LitWorldInterviews.  I am a self-published author, who enjoys interviewing other authors and people connected with writing.

Ronovan

As well as being an author with a debut novel Amber Wake: Gabriel Falling, coming out in February 2016, Ronovan also provides invaluable resources for Indie authors here on  LitWorldInterviews.com

I also admire Ronovan because, like me,  he is trying to turn a health issue into something positive.

1.  You tell me that you were born of migrant fruit pickers.  How old were you before your parents settled in one place?  Where do you call home now?

As best as I can tell, it was about the time of Kindergarten. I recall taking naps on those floor nap mats each day and swinging in swings to dangerous heights, at least they were high in my mind. Today people would see that…

View original post 2,127 more words

Perseverance-Or is it love?

Thomas Carlyle
Thomas Carlyle

“Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacles, discouragements, and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak.”-Thomas Carlyle

I’ve moved away from talking about my health issues in the specifics in recent months. I felt as though my health was becoming me. And honestly I thought I had talked it to death. Well, I wish we could talk our ailments to death. If that were the case I would have been healthy a long time ago. But anyway, I wanted to be more positive in my writing I shared. However, at times I realize one should open up and share to let others know what can be done. Things don’t  HAVE to stop you.

I’ve never given much thought to perseverance as a word to describe myself. It’s been said by others but I’ve always put it off as a kind thing to say. I don’t mean to say they were being dishonest and lying just to make me feel better by saying it, but being kind in how they viewed my situation.

Many don’t know what Fibromyalgia is, but it’s a health situation that umbrellas a great many things including Chronic Pain and Chronic Fatigue. Much more goes in to it than that, but those two cane be easily identifiable with. Combine that with Osteoarthritis throughout the spine, including the neck, herniated discs in the spine and neck, and various other ailments, life can be such a joy at times.

But then you add the concussion I suffered two years ago, a Grade 3 Concussion that led to Retrograde Amnesia, short term memory loss, migraines that never cease, yes I mean I have migraines 24/7, sound and light sensitivity, and something else I can’t remember, and you end up with a very interesting life situation.

I know of the concussion because it is a habit to know now. A journal I kept around that time, barely legible as I was writing with either hand depending on the moment, tells me what was going on. I’ve slowly begun to let it go, the specifics of things, I’m not a dweller. I’ve truly decided to move on and not allow man made guilt hold me back from enjoying life.

Why tell all of this?

I have a book tentatively set to come out in December. A second book in the final draft stage before proofing and editing, that will then be shopped around to agents/publishers. I have a fairly successful blog, a group of online friends, and much more.

No, I don’t remember my family. I remember my son. I make an effort to remember history of my life as I am told in order to fit in, or at least act as though I am normal enough in my son’s eyes so he an have a normal father. I don’t wear my sunglasses like I should, nor my earplugs to avoid looking like an oddity around him. Seeing me put into an ambulance and then following it, only to see it disappear was upsetting enough for him not to have to be reminded of it every time he looks at me.

With the very odd life I have, I still push forward. I never gave it thought as being perseverance. I wanted to write a book and have my son something in the world to say, “My Daddy did that.”

People write a book for a lot of reasons. Yes, I love writing, but I mainly want something left behind for my son to be able to hold up and always look to. I want to be able to contribute to his life in many ways.

Maybe what I’m talking about isn’t perseverance. Maybe it’s simply being a father. Maybe it’s love. Whatever it is, it has brought me this far, and I intend to keep going.

I still have to write that book he helped come up with.

Thomas Carlyle Quote Perseverance

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Check the comments for other #BeWoW posts and SilverThreading.com for more Writer’s Quote Wednesday offerings.

Ron_LWIRonovan is an author, and blogger who shares his life as an amnesiac and Chronic Pain sufferer through his blog RonovanWrites.WordPress.com. His love of poetry, authors and community through his online world has lead to a growing Weekly Haiku Challenge and the creation of a site dedicated to book reviews, interviews and author resources known as LitWorldInterviews.WordPress.com.

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

@RonovanWrites

 © Copyright-All rights reserved by ronovanwrites.wordpress.com 2015

Making a Commitment to a Nutrition Lifestyle.

Time for a bit of motivating on this Monday. More for myself than anyone else. I have decided to try out the diet known as the Paleo Diet for my Fibromyalgia.  I’ll give more information about Paleo in another article. Now, at this time I want to stress a point. I am not, repeat not, going on a diet. Yes, I need to lose weight, but my goal in life is to be healthy on the inside. I have my reasons. Some obvious and some I like to keep to myself.

(oooo doesn’t that get you to wondering? No, I am not going to be an MMA fighter just so I can get up close and personal to Ronda Rousey. But then again. Hmmm. You might be able to twist my arm. Hahahahahaha. MMA jokes kill me. Well they actually could.)

Wow that was a total off the subject ramble. But it’s my blog and I’ll ramble if I want to. Taking a deep breath before I go off on song lyrics now.

image of healthy foods

I’m not dieting. What I am going to refer to this moving forward and I’ll be possibly doing something future with my journey in a book form if things go well is something I call a Nutrition Lifestyle. Diet is word that was never meant to represent a losing weight regimen.

Your diet is what you eat.

I believe it’s time we took that back.

I also think it’s time we took back our foods. Processed foods are killing us. With Paleo, I’m changing the title of that to Clean Food Nutrition, this means as natural food as possible, not being Nazi about it, but doing the best I can with the finances I have.

Have you ever looked at ground beef in the stores? For those outside of the USA ground beef is the kind of meat you would make a hamburger from or meatballs. Due to allergies in my home labels are studied thoroughly. You will find on some ground beef packaging that beef flavoring has been added.

The first time I read this I had no clue. After it was shown to the butcher he was shocked as well. After all, unless you are buying a roast and then having the butcher grind it up for you, which you can do, the ground beef comes to the stores prepackaged.

Many chickens and the various parts in the butcher area show having broth added.

Before Vegetarians and Vegans say just don’t eat meat, you then venture into the vegetable areas in the produce and you will unfortunately discover some produce are treated with a preservative in the fields without the store even knowing it. This happens with nuts as well. The bad part? The preservative is a natural product so it can be called all natural or organic.

Soy is organic. Soy is a huge problem these days as people are now developing allergies to it being in just about every food we eat.

For me, it’s not so bad. I can eat just about anything, technically, but I won’t. So we’ll see what happens, and I’ll keep everyone updated.

I’m also throwing some Yoga into the mix. I’ve tried some recently but it completely flared my Fibromyalgia so out of control that I’ve been, truthfully, scared to try it again. But what’s it gonna do, make me hurt more than a flare?

One last reason I have to do this is because medications I am on cause weight gain. I worked very hard to lose a lot of weight and then was put on the meds. Not all the weight is back, thank goodness, but I also can’t be put on Blood Pressure medicine because basically it drops my pressure too low and I have a chance of fainting and hitting my head, and having another concussion, that isn’t acceptable. I’ve fallen several times since that day two years ago and lost memory progress I had gained. No more concussions for me.

So for me, it’s life or death. And I mean that in many ways.

Much Respect-Much Love

Ronovan

Ron_LWIRonovan is an author, and blogger who shares his life as an amnesiac and Chronic Pain sufferer though his blog RonovanWrites.WordPress.com. His love of poetry, authors and community through his online world has lead to a growing Weekly Haiku Challenge and the creation of a site dedicated to book reviews, interviews and author resources known as LitWorldInterviews.WordPress.com.

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

@RonovanWrites

 © Copyright-All rights reserved by ronovanwrites.wordpress.com 2015

Amnesia. I’m a faker, but I’m me.

Today I need to speak about something. Amnesia. I”m a faker. You read my blog and all I say. You think how I write everything and link things together, how I know so much about blogging and my life.

I’m a faker.

I study, and have routines.

People think of me as being well. How Ronovan is not sick any longer.

I am a master faker.

What you read in this blog are the words of a man who repeats his life daily. I eat the same meals daily. I have medicines laid out in small cups with time labels with them as a reminder when to take them daily.

Then the 70 year old mother in-law must remind to take them.

People have read some of my recent series on comic books with memories I have and don’t realize those are memories I have been told only hours earlier. Fortunately memories having been shared previously with other people in my life, even my 10 year old son. Apparently I talked with him a great deal about comic books, or else he listened well.

But I’m a faker.

I went to my parents this past Saturday. I know this. I don’t remember what happened.

Amnesia and short term memory problems are not fun. Add to that Fibromyalgia and Fibro fog. Think of having blank spots of decades. Think of not having memories to share of experiences. Think of having people who obviously care but you no longer know them.

Think of the stress on the mind and body as one tries to remember and can’t and people don’t understand. Think of wanting to retreat into a world that only you exist in and be alone forever.

I’m a faker.

I am selfish.

My focus has become me, when apparently it once was everyone else. I leave the house once every two months or so. I walk out the door perhaps four. I look at my cat Spunky through the door as the woman I call Grandma feeds him and his family and he loves on her.

I have become afraid of any illness. I don’t want to return to the hospital.

I write books. I know this because I am reminded of it. It is a daily part of what I do. Routine. I have a writing partnership. I enjoy writing, it allows me to create worlds and people and not worry about reality or lost realities.

I don’t have to worry about disappointing, hurting or causing people to hate me because of my not remembering. Imagine having people in your life, nice people, but people who make your brain feel as though it were being compressed and about to pop at the same time.

Now combine that with the guilt of knowing it must be your fault. Then the physical ill that occurs. The mass confusion that begins and creates these storms of what to do, what to do. Now you cannot sleep but two or three hours a day. Eating is something that you think you did. You realize that noise in your stomach must mean you are hungry.

Imagine all of the storms together and for a moment you wonder what hungry is. You know what it is but for a moment you forget.

You make a decision to try and help yourself be well, to be at the least a little better, to stop the confusion storms and pains. The migraine spikes and sleeplessness might end. Then, you are . . .

What are you?

You spent days and days agonizing over decisions.

People don’t understand memory problems. It is an almost surreal thing. I don’t understand it and I live it. At least I think i do. My world is one being formed anew and quite often it seems built on loss.

I never intend to cause problems, pain, disappointments, heartbreak, heartache. However, it seems as though when I am honest I am a disaster creator. I feel hated at times. People don’t understand that I just don’t know.

And they don’t understand that I understand how they just don’t know how I don’t know any longer. Is it easy for me to tell people, “I don’t know you”? To finally come out and try to worry about me?

I’m sitting here now after having done that and now feeling a need to relieve myself of the breakfast I had to take with my first cup of medicines for the day, yes, a cup of pills. I can’t lose them. If I get sick, the pills are gone.

I’m stressing to the max, as some might say. Do I let guilt of something I don’t know force me to lie? Or do I keep trying to be healthy and try to mend?

You see, I try to be an encourager to a lot of people. It’s not something I do on purpose, but I share and it just has happened. Sure, I love it. It’s part of my make up. I guess my DNA or something. Now I am a disappointer, a devastator, a person that hates, a person that is a liar.

Yes, I have been called some of those things today. I understand it. After sharing this I will likely turn off and lie here in bed hoping I feel up to going to my son’s baseball game, his 11th game ever, and I’ve only been able to attend one. I ended up in the hospital the last time. Precautions have had to be made. Now, I’m not even sure I will be able to go.

Do I blame anyone?
Yes.

I blame me. I’m the one with amnesia. I’m the one that loses what people don’t understand. I’m the one that causes the pain. I’m the one that can’t explain because I don’t  have the words at times. Yeah, that’s part of it all too, I don’t have the words. For a writer, not knowing words makes for some boring writing. The thesaurus is my friend. I use it and put in the word that is almost what I know I am looking for.

I don’t hate. I don’t lie. I don’t have the energy or time left in my life to do either. What am I?

I am me.

Whatever that me is today, that’s who I am.

Ronovan

This has not been a sympathy piece. It has been a blogging piece, old school style. A dear diary style of post. Something I had to get out and put down.

Unbearable? I’m Positive.

Drawing of Mark Twain with Quote“Drag your thoughts away from your troubles… by the ears, by the heels, or any other way you can manage it.”~Mark Twain

 

“Dwelling is a house you live in, not a situation to waste your life on.”~Ronovan

 

I had great plans for writing today. I ended up with something else. Great or not is not for me to decide. I write, you read. Opinions are made. Words are put down in either situation, planned or not, the results may end up the same. I personally am okay with whatever happens.

A day meant for creating a biography of my inspiration for wanting to become a teacher, Sidney Poitier in the movie To Sir with Love, along with quotes from his autobiography lying next to my notebook and me, turned into a day of pain that many would call unbearable. I can laugh at that phrase.

People say they went through unbearable this or that. I like to ask, “If it was so unbearable, why am I am speaking to you standing up, instead of speaking over you lying down?”

My sadistic joy comes from the looks of puzzlement. Looking to the quotes I put forth at the beginning today, and my presence here in writing this article, what my opinion is on the unbearable pain I have gone through over the past few days, and specifically the past 24 hours should be apparent.

My Fibromyalgia is an ugly animal. It is one I have come to know and respect. Never become too comfortable with an animal, even a pet. Once you do, something will happen. A new trait comes out. Or maybe something totally unrelated. Hopefully to find out soon.

What have I done today?

  • I cannibalized the first few chapters of my book to create a new beginning.
  • Had a great surprise with one of my articles being selected for the KindnessBlog.com.
  • Dr. KO and I had an exchange in comments on a post that was enjoyable.
  • I have an author interview agreement with a very nice lady.
  • And every other moment I slept.

Why sleep? Sleep don’t hurt. But also, I need sleep. What I did today was make progress in many areas and rested as much as I could. Rest isn’t something I don’t normally do. Even while succumbing to Chronic Fatigue it isn’t rest I am getting.

Even now while writing this article I have stopped several times due to the pain. I rarely ever stop because of pain. An article that should have taken me 15 minutes has so far taken me over two hours.

I’ve enjoyed it. Thinking is a great pastime for me. I love to get thinky, as I like to call it. This past year and half has allowed for some great thinky times. Every day I have a thinky moment. At least one. Usually more. That’s one reason I blog. I like to use those thinky times as inspiration for articles. Be grateful I don’t put all those moments on the blog.

I mentioned earlier that I was happy with whatever the results of the article might be today. Why? I wrote. That’s why. Did I write well? Not really, but I wrote. And that is a positive day to me.

Remember to connect with me at one of the following. Well, at least one.

https://twitter.com/RonovanWrites

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Ronovan-Writes/630347477034132

https://plus.google.com/u/0/+RonovanWrites/about

Image of Ronovan Writes

 

 

 

 

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© Copyright-All rights reserved by ronovanwrites.wordpress.com 2015

Being Positive to See the Positive

Last week in Sorting Your Life’s Junk I talked about how the way to being a positive and wonderful me, well a better me, was how I like to place events and thoughts into  Mental Folders. I called them:

  • Awesome
  • Needs Work
  • So Not Worth It

By doing this, I am able to sort through things quickly and move on. It’s a habit. A reflex, if you want to look at it that way. Just like driving a car. You see  something brake in front of you, you don’t have to think about it, you hit your brakes to stop something bad from happening. This is the same thing. By sorting those events or interactions into folders, those emotional/mental energy vampires/leeches/parasites don’t have a chance to latch on.

But you are probably thinking to yourself there are still things in the folders and you are likely to thumb through those files at some point. Ignoring the negative things doesn’t work. I like the adage or phrase “You got to own it.”

Accept it and Deal With it

Eventually whatever it is must be taken care of. Due to a concussion I’m not allowed to drive at the moment. I’ve driven 7 minutes in the past 18 months. And that was an emergency. Am I happy?

I guess you need to take a look at happy first. Everything that needs to get done in my life gets done. So in the grand scheme of things, not driving is not a major problem for me. I have filed it and dealt with it. I’m okay with it.

Does being okay with it mean I don’t miss the ability to get up and go whenever I want to? No, of course not. But I own the situation, I understand it, and I handle it. It does not get me down.

But what about REAL problems?

I knew you were thinking that. I’ll use my Fibromyalgia. It was discovered that the debilitating pain that I had been having for more than a decade was Fibromyalgia, which runs in my family. Walking is difficult. Sleeping is difficult. Sitting is difficult. Lying down is difficult. Maybe you see where this is headed. Combine that with migraines that are 24/7 and things are bad. By 24/7 I mean they never stop, just vary be intensity.

So what do I do about that? What do I do because I miss ball games and school events of my son? I deal with it. I have a son and one to be proud of. So I can’t do everything I would like, I am still proud of him and tell him that and show him every chance I get. And he knows it. Does it get me down at times? For a moment, then I shake it off.

It’s Not All Sunshine and Peanut Butter Cups

That’s one thing we have to remember, positive doesn’t happen 100% of the time. It’s just like anything else, it’s what you do with it. I had an old pastor friend say to me once that you can look at a woman and see she’s beautiful, just don’t turn around and watch her walk away, that is where the bad part comes in.

What’s in your folders is the same way. You see it, and you deal with it. Sure, it will hit you and you might have a moment of problem but then move on and don’t look back. It’s done. It’s over.

As time goes by and perhaps the problem comes up again, you will eventually have developed the habit. File, deal, and begone. The most positive people are the ones usually who have gone through the most junk.

The Positive Results of Being Positive

Being positive has its advantages. You begin to see the positive in many situations you never saw before. You see beauty where you only saw ugliness before. And you give words of encouragement when you at one time yelled or ignored.

I’m positive positivity will bring positive things to your life.

For the next in my Positivity Day series, it’s not really a series but just me focusing on being positive, you may want to read The Importance of Being You. It’s kind of neat to see how someone grows and where their thoughts carry them on a subject in order. Do they grow or not?

Join me and several other blogger friends as we start #BeWoW Bloggers. BeWoW means Be Wonderful on Wednesday. Be Positive, Encouraging, Inspiration, and Uplifiting. If you like something positive you read somewhere, or you write something yourself, Tweet it with the hashtag of #BeWoW on Wednesday and we see it and ReTweet it and visit it ourselves to be encouraged. If you don’t like to Tweet, then share the link to that article you have or you found in a comment here so people can find it that might not normally do so.

Much Respect and Much Love to You,

Ronovan

Ronovan Writes

@RonovanWrites

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Depression, Understanding, and Finding Peace.

Year of Renewal. That’s what my theme for this year is. In reality that’s a theme for every day. For someone who has days that are very routine oriented, who needs days that are very routine oriented I surprisingly find myself starting over a lot.

Just when you think things in your life are possibly, just possibly on the right track—Boom! But that’s okay. If you look at my life, I’m kind of accustomed to things never being quite where I need them to be or like them to be or maybe it’s just that life is not where I expect it to be.

Talking About Depression.

First off, I am going to say that everyone is different. No two people have the exact same things about their depression. They may be similar enough to be helped but they are all unique. Also, how they are helped will vary. What I discuss here today is about me and what I know and have discovered through my adventure through this thing we call life.

Depression is something a lot of people think they understand. A lot of people are wrong. For me, a conk on the head, the loss of all my memories, and a ton of pain without ceasing plays havoc with my abilities to cope at times. Don’t get me wrong, I do fairly well. Sure, I talk about depression and life situations at times, actually not near as much as I once did, but I do so to share with others so they can see there is a bright spot, a way through, an ability to overcome. I do so in order that people who don’t understand can understand about someone in their life that may suffer from depression. And by the way, I can’t stand the word cope, but it might pop up at times today.

Tell Your People It Happens.

For those of you who do suffer from depression know that life is not over. That’s something to tell those who support you and give you sympathy to the point of enabling you to be depressed even more often. That makes it sound as though depression is something one can turn on and off like a garbage disposal. No, but once you are in a bout of depression what is your motivation to come out of it if those around you are doing nothing but giving you pity?

That being said, you do need time to handle it. And no one, no matter what, can force someone out of a true bout of depression. I am not speaking of sadness, I am speaking of depression.

Being Mr. Positive about my life is a pain in the backside at times. Don’t get me wrong, I am fine. I really am Mr. Positive. I’m not dead. I could be and probably should be. But I’m here rambling away. But let me tell you one thing about depression.

It Sucks.

For those of you who experience depression I’m here to say I know how much it sucks. There is a line you are trying to not be sucked over but the quicksand of that part of your mind just keeps pulling you in. We all get jerked over that line. And let me tell you folks who haven’t experienced depression, I’m not talking about grief and sadness, you do get jerked over that line. One moment you are fine and the next it’s literally like a switch has been flipped. One moment one side of the line, next moment the other side of the line, yes, sucked over. Sucks. I used that word for a reason after all.

When I enter the suck zone I am fortunate that I can come here and write about it in some form. Normally it’s a poem. I don’t feel poetic today. In fact my long form poetry may be on hiatus for a while. I’ve been struggling lately. As an example there are times when I open a page to type and the tears begin. It may even be my opening email to write someone and the tears begin. It doesn’t matter what I am writing, they begin. But how do I keep going? I want to go into me for a bit more  here and I will tell you later on how I keep going. But now a bit about the for real me.Because me is the best example and the most thorough example I can give.

  • Retrograde amnesia – Meaning I don’t remember people or events prior to my fall other than my son.
  • Short Term Memory problems – There are times I won’t remember from one hour to the next something. There are even times I won’t remember something from 5 minutes ago.
  • Fibromyalgia – which consists of things such as Chronic Pain and Chronic Fatigue.
  • Osteoarthritis – of the entire spine with a narrowing of the spine at the base.
  • Migraines that do not stop but only vary in intensity.
  • Light sensitivity.
  • Sound sensitivity.
  • Problems with crowds.
  • Not allowed to drive.
  • Recently fell again and hit my head again.
  • Cannot do math to save my life.
  • Crippling hand pain where I end up using pencils to type with, or my knuckles or try to use voice to text programs.
  • No off switch to the brain. Most of the time I can’t stop thinking and just have to fall asleep from exhaustion.
  • Herniated discs in neck and other parts of spine.
  • Slowly becoming a recluse without actively trying.

For those out there who are professional therapists or whatever, I am not using these things as identifiers but simply as contributors to something I am talking about. I identify myself as positive, constructive, and creative things. So don’t fret and chill a bit.

That’s a list of some of the problems I have. There are other things related to them I have and also those caused by the medications I must take but I don’t want to take up the whole article with all of that. One thing happening right now is as I type these words it feels as though with each keystroke I am jamming my fingers into nails and needles. But my escape from all of my troubles is writing.

It Isn’t Pretend.

Looking at that list, do you think my bouts of depression are simply moments I want to just wallow in self-pity? Or do you perhaps see things that can overwhelm someone to the point of breaking for a short time until recovery takes place? I admit if you are having a bad time in life sometimes you do want to just wallow in that downer time, acknowledge, and own it and then move on, but that’s something completely different.

Look at an athlete. Let’s say you have someone participate in the Iron Man Triathlon. Following that event, after pretty much every muscle group has been used and spent, they need a time to recover. No one questions that. Well, the brain can be exhausted as well by various stimuli that force it to work overtime and then it needs to shut down and recover. So think of depression as the after effects of a mental marathon and the time it takes to come out of a bout of it is that cool down, rub down, and however much rest needed to recover from it.

Another aspect similar to the Triathlete is exhaustion. Depression is so mentally draining you feel like you can barely move. I compare it to having the flu. You do not want to move. For me it intensifies the physical pains because I am not able to put my mind on other things. I focus on me  and notice what is wrong with me more. Normally I do everything possible to ignore the pain.

The True Silent Killer.

In addition to the list above depression is also part of everything. It goes along with the memory loss and the Fibromyalgia. Oddly, Fibromyalgia is not a life threatening illness. The depression part of it is. Just call the life threatening aspect a side effect.

Although the brain takes over and will shut everyone and everything out, at some point I’ve learned to handle things for the most part and take preventative measures. I partly do this by closing myself off from negative stimuli as much as possible. Those negative stimuli primarily relate to the media. I am also fortunate, in a way, that I  spend my days in a little room typing away at writing novels, articles, and interviews a good portion of my waking hours and can just crash whenever the pain is too much or the Chronic Fatigue hits.  This also helps with some of my physical ailments and allows me to be able to function at least somewhat normally, or at least appear to do so for my son.

Understanding.

Something people don’t understand about the seclusion part during a bout of depression is, it isn’t intentional or something I am even aware of until afterwards. My mind takes over to heal itself.

But then I get slammed by something. In those moments I shutdown and I don’t just mean my laptop. My brain shuts down until it can handle it. With the responsibilities here in Blog World I am not able to shut down as much as I need to but then again work is work. Responsibilities are responsibilities and when you agree to do something then you do it.

Amnesia is an unusual part of the package in my life. Throw in the short term memory problems as well. There are things I don’t remember at all from before my accident. Let’s be completely honest, as far as people, you could probably number them on one maybe two hands. That’s out of decades of my life. I’ve  learned to mange that at times, but it does overwhelm as well. No matter where I am a wave of not knowing will sometimes hit me.

Now to the short term memory problems. Here in my home it is not as much an issue because people simply work with it or around it. Well, most of the time. Thus the need for routine. For breakfast I have about two options I make. Two for lunch and for dinner I eat what I am given or if not given anything I revert to one of my lunch options. I was never one for enjoying the same thing over and over, or so I am told, but now I eat the same thing. There have been days where I had the same thing for each meal and didn’t know it. It’s one way to save on the grocery bill.

But how does short term memory problems contribute to my depression? First of all, I don’t remember things from a short time ago, even during the same day. But the biggest problem and really it is part of the first problem is people. I am accused so often of neglect by people. Why do you not talk to me? Why do you ignore me? Why did you stop being my friend? Why are you a jerk? Why have you made my life so upsetting?

Now, as time goes by I develop ways of dealing with these messages. I file them in the T folder. Yes, that may sound harsh but the truth of the matter is if a person does not know me well enough or cares enough about me to understand my situation well enough to, and I hate to say this, just go with it, then there isn’t anything I can do about it. If I remember I remember if I don’t I don’t.  And one sure fire way to guarantee me not remembering is to send a message including phrases like those in the previous paragraph. You may tell me you were the most important person ever to me. I don’t know my mother or my father. The only member of my family I know is my son. Step back and reflect on that for a moment. Put that into perspective.

But those that persist trigger the depression, they tip my brain over that line into the suck zone. The exhaustion zone. The I ain’t here no more zone.

And the saddest part of it all is it’s not about me. It’s about them. They will never recognize nor acknowledge they have anything to do with it. Nor will they simply accept whatever the new way things are and go with it and leave the petty remarks in their pocket.

For some people they deal with a combination of everything I go through and then go to work each day. Imagine having depression and not being able to tell your boss. It’s not something you can control, and it may not even interfere with your work but guess what happens when you tell your employer. A great deal of the time you end up with a  label, a stigma, a pink slip, a demotion, a new job at home without a paycheck but done so in a manner as of it being downsizing or they suddenly find all these things that have never been wrong with your job performance before. So guess what? Handling depression gets even more difficult. Yes, it’s difficult for me for certain reasons and it’s difficult for others for other reasons.

Do you want to know what the biggest problem with depression is? People. People not treating you as a person and just letting you do what you need to do to work through it. I have people who think talking a lot will help me. Okay, so I am depressed, my brain has shut down. It simply wants to rest and you then want to get in my safety zone and turn on the fake happy and talk like a crazy clown?

I’ll end that part of things there.

So what do I do?

What do I do beyond medications and preventative shutting out of the negative parts of the world? I turn to God. I have medications for pain, migraines, and I think one that does a double duty job on something plus is also a depression thing. It’s not specifically for depression but one of the alternate uses is for it. But all of those things together don’t work. Pain is still there and life goes on. The one thing that can bring me peace of mind and put me on an even keel is the Word of God.

One of my favorite verses, one I have shared before is “He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”~Psalm 46:10

You see there isn’t really a specific verse that says “If you are depressed do this.” Instead the Bible tells us what to do as an everyday practice.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”~Philippians 4:4-7

And I know there are other verses about praying without ceasing and the like.

That’s tough. Let’s not sugar coat it. Let’s not make it sound easy. When you are being torn apart in the middle of a bout of depression it is difficult to find the energy to even say a prayer. I won’t lie to you about that. But you don’t have to. You see, I know my Bible. Oddly that is something I didn’t forget. I don’t HAVE to necessarily say a prayer or even praise God in the way you are thinking to be pulled out of depression or be made at least at ease enough to ride through it. Knowing God is there is enough. Since I believe in Him so strongly, just the thought of Him is enough.

A Year of Renewal. Plans don’t always work out the way you think. I think having that word Renewal is appropriate. This isn’t a tips article. It’s what I do to survive. It’s what I do to find peace. And with that in mind, this will be my last article on this subject or these problems. If you ever find yourself with questions, refer to this article, I’ll even put a link to it on my About page.

peace-understanding-depression

Be seeing ya,
Ronovan Writes

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People Hate Me

Did you know people hate me?

Sounds impossible I know but they do. I am an odd person. I have strange ailments. Today let’s talk about Amnesia. Mine is persisting in much of the areas of my life.

First of all I don’t want people to think this is a pity article. I’m fine. When I say I am fine, I really mean it. I am merely sharing this for people to understand why things happen in my life the way they do and perhaps they have experiences with someone and this might help explain it. So really, I handle this all the time, every day, so no worries, Okay?

For those of you not aware, I fell in my home and received a concussion which caused Retrograde Amnesia, meaning memories before the accident as well as Short Term Amnesia, meaning I have problems retaining current information. Now you know why I write so much. Think of this Blog as my notes on life and even my poetry can tell me where and what I was at during a given day.

The Short Term Memory Loss is the issue here. Mine tends to be when I sleep, or am absent from something too long. My mind also apparently uses it as a defense against reminders of bad situations.

I recent times my Chronic Fatigue has been flaring up in a big way resulting in a lot of sleep, not good for the memory. I’ve forgotten people. I’ve forgotten friends.

Why do people hate me?

I forget them. That’s bad. I know it. But then there is something in my mind that says run. There is an element of fear there. Did you know a big guy like me fears something like forgetting people and their hating him? Yeah, it happens. I have a lot of issues in life to deal with, one is my son. Can you imagine being 10 and having a father who has Amnesia, Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, Chronic Fatigue, Light and Sound Sensitivity and isn’t allowed to drive yet?

My son worries about me every day. He checks on me all the time. He doesn’t know that I notice but I do. I see him looking in my room to make sure I am okay. Yeah, my son has to be the kid with the weirdo dad. I try to act as normal as can be around him but there are limitations.

Then I have people that hate me.

My number of waking hours each day have dwindled. My writing here has dwindled, my writing on LitWorldInterviews has dwindled recently. I did NaNoWriMo but i felt obligated after agreeing to it and that’s where the most of the waking hours went. My mind operates differently than most I suppose.

So for those hate me . . .

Okay. once I get all those other problems under control, maybe I cam make it so people won’t hate me as much. For now, I am just trying to stay awake long enough to see my son at night and trying to get up in the mornings to see him off to school.

Much Respect

Ronovan

Ron_LWI

 

 

PS-I would have mentioned the 24/7 Migraines I have but I thought that was over kill.

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In times of trouble, just Let it Be.

It’s been some times since I did what a song means to me and I miss those days.

Songs that make you pause, bring hope, peace, melancholy. Some look at melancholy as a completely bad thing, but often times it’s the only time you have to experience peace and reflective moments.  No, don’t get me wrong, this is not to say I am in a state of melancholy. I am simply giving possible emotions a song may bring.

I had another song in mind when while glancing through the extensive list I happened to glimpse Let it Be, written and sung by Paul McCartney with the Beatles.

Paul has said in interviews when asked the meaning of the lyrics, if they have Biblical meanings, that those who listen are to take from it what they like. Much like we here in our poetry communities say. In other words, he wrote the song for himself as he needed to after a dream about his departed mother and as for the definition of lyrics he will simply . . . Let it Be.

For me the song was once a beautifully simple song.,back in my pre-Christian days of not knowing of the Let it Be reference to May and her response to the angel Gabriel about her pregnancy, only one interpretation of the lyrics.

For me now, Let it Be does bring a sense of peace as I deal with with my Chronic pain, Chronic Fatigue, Osteoarthritis, and Amnesia. I am given more medications than I have ever even looked at in my life, I am certain, well almost certain. A bit of amnesiac humor only I can poke at myself with, thank you very much. I lose things daily and gain some only to be lost again.

I lose the memory of friends from Blog World that I have the feeling are of some significance but things don’t click. One day there, and a hard nights sleep or battle with a flare up and they are gone. Fibromyalgia combined with Concussion has brought about some unusual results.

I write, I blog, I live, I love children, I love inspiration, and for all that I cannot control I simply . . . Let it Be.

For trivia minded:

Paul wrote the song after a dream of his mother, Mary who had died of cancer when he was 14, during the time around the recording of The Beatles (The White Album).

The song became the title of the album that was released after McCartney’s announcement of his leaving The Beatles.

There are numerous versions of the song recorded by the Beatles for films, singles, album, and anthologies.

Wikiepedia notes that Kris Allen, Aretha Franklin, Brooke White, Katie Stevens, Boney M., Joan Baez, George Michael, Willie Nelson, Pearl Jam, David Bowie, Fiona Apple, Billy Ocean, Elvis Presley, Diana Ross, Status Quo, Seether, Stereophonics, Rod Stewart, Jennifer Hudson, B5, and Widespread Panic among others have covered the song. This being an eclectic sampling of how popular the song is.

I personally think it odd that the title track of the album is Let it Be and the band has broken up. I believe perhaps it was a message to the fans saying just Let it Be.

What does the song mean to you or what feeling does it bring? Jenna Willett of Jen’s Pen Den does a regular weekly post about music that inspires her during writing, what mood would this inspire for you?

When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me
Shine until tomorrow, let it be
I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Much Respect

Ronovan

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These Hells

The feeding frenzy begins, as the dark brick wall spins

 

Spiral clouds filled with angel light, laughing tease my denying sight

 

No one ever said life would be fun, but then again no one said demons would overrun

 

My mind feeds on the dark things, it hunts and pecks until torment springs

 

I watch from the corner as it takes hold, shivering in despair as if it were winter time cold

 

Is there a way to break free from this pain filled cell, or am I forever bound to my skull shaped hell

 

Do not try or attempt to placate me to a smile, all you will bring is darkness and bile

 

A cheerful soul you can not produce, all you do is cause to make my hold more loose

 

The waves of this tormented ride, are the path of a coaster not to be denied

 

All I do is float out among the swells, and hope for my sake . . . to reach the other side . . . of These Hells

skull

 

 

LMP

2014 © Copyright-All rights reserved by ronovanwrites.wordpress.com

 

Never worry no more.

Normally I wait until after a piece to tell you the inspiration. Not this time. Fibromyalgia is bad. It can hurt so much you feel like you are going insane. Every emotion is magnified to an incredible level. Therefore depression can be bad, very bad. When you read this, it’s a Bluesy or Soul sounding thing, slow, pausing at the end of each line. I guess you could think of some of Alicia Keys work. I think you will get  feel for it maybe, or you can just read it like a poem. Depression and a brutal broken heart can feel the same way. I’m there tonight.

cropped-black-sight.jpg

 

My heart’s still poundin’ though you’re gone

It never really mattered what was wrong

I only wanted to be with you  for so long

And that was to be forever ever and ever and ever

 

But now I sit her all alone

Darkness closes in on me in my fears

Never have I been so filled with so so many tears

Now I can’t see anything through the bleary eyes of  what you’ve done

 

Oh Oh Oh Oh I’m never gonna forgive you this pain

You drove the stake through very vein

Why Why Why Why did you even even even . . . learn my name

But I only have myself to blame

 

There are ways to forget

There are ways I have left yet

There no reasons for regret

I’m just going to gamble on a bet

 

Never Never Never Never oh never call me again

Tear drops falling like a tornado filled with rain

Simple truths are simply made up lies

You fooled me once  and twice and more with those eyes

 

Oh baby just let me die.

Oh Oh Oh Oh I hate this time ever came to me

Why did you even ever have to be

Now I follow a path to eternity

 

Kill me once kill me twice and maybe I will forget

Oh baby you always knew just where to hit

You cut me with those words like a blade

Go ahead and cover my body with that old rusty spade

 

There are ways to forget

There are ways I have left yet

There no reasons for regret

I’m just going to gamble on a bet

 

Now I can rest and never worry no more

 

LMP

2014 © Copyright-All rights reserved by ronovanwrites.wordpress.com

Stop my Mind from Wandering. It means what you make of it.

Do y’all ever wonder if you’re wrong or right? Or maybe if your right where you belong? Do ever get the lyrics to a song wrong? Yes you do. Admit it.

The classic is Iron Butterfly’s Ina-Gadda-Da-Vida. It is 17 minutes long in its original form and is the entire second side of the album by the same name. It went on to be the first album to receive Platinum status. What do you think it says? In A Garden of Eden? In The Garden of Eden? In A Garden of Evil?

 

I’m not here to talk about Iron Butterfly or misunderstood lyrics. Instead, today I want to talk about lyrics and what they mean to the listener. One of my favorite songs is about a leaking manhole and crazy fans. Doesn’t sound like a very good reason to like a song, does it? And especially not a good reason to be reading an article.

 

For me the song takes on another meaning entirely. The song was recorded by the Beatles in 1967, written by Paul McCartney. It appears on the album Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. An album with many reasons to be written about and one of which I will delve into one day for y’all.

Continue reading

Prismatical

Prismatical

by: Ronovan the Lost Mind

Prism xray like image

These limbs I hate

Give me a saw

But how would I do it

Without them at all

 

So they ache

My fingers pain

I keep writing these words

Driving me slowly insane

 

I have happiness

But why do I fight

I hang onto the madness

With all of my might

 

Is it that the pain

Is something that is always mine

Is it that it will never leave

Is it because I’ll never be fine

 

Spin around twice

Capture the light in a bottle of green

Shake it up

It looks quite obscene

 

Yeah that just came to me

In the middle of this thought

Now you see what I deal with

It’s something I’ve always fought

 

Bring on the words

And throw out the time

Days mean nothing

When you have no kept mind

 

You probably been thinking

This boy is crazy crazy

But to know the whole truth

My brains just dazy hazy

 

The luminary softness glow

Cascades across her ebon locks

Enticing my thoughts to danger

Worth death of all for one kiss

 

I went off in another direction

My mind is distracted by a world aflamed

What does it all mean

I’m learning not to ever feel ashamed

 

Let your thoughts flow

Just get it out of your system

Cause if you hold it in

You’ll be fractured psyched like a prism

 

 

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