Not Quick Enough (A Poem of Tragedy Explained)

I hear your voicepoetry loss

Two words

They hammer at the wall

Of my mind’s death

Heaven sent

Or heart found

I am pulled from the darkness

I breathe

I grieve

I mourn

I want the death again

Why this torture for me

Why the agony of this loss

Why so here and so not

Why

Days of pleading prevail

Please, God bring my ease

Please, God bring me release

Please, God break my mind again

Please, God

Knowing but still nothing

Two words

Freeing me from death

Condemning me to worse

Why were you taken

Why

Where is the never ending joy

Where is my peace

Why does my heart need ache

Why every day

Free me from this tearing of my soul

I pray for an end

Not quick enough

 

@RonovanWrites

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The story of a poem. Think of a man who is in the hospital and unconscious. He hears a voice calling to him, he sees a face. He sees a little girl’s face. He opens his eyes to a place he doesn’t know, with a broken mind. The little girl isn’t there. Where is she? The little girl was never born. She called out to the man. It wasn’t his turn. She used what she could to tell him it just wasn’t his time yet.

Flash forward and the man remembers about the little girl. He remembers who the little girl is. He wants it to be his time. But his time is not quick enough. He wants the memory to go away. But it won’t go away quick enough.

I have seen comments to this poem and I have even seen poems written as  a response in which I am tagged in. Thank you for the thoughts and the words, but the suppositions are nowhere near the mark. This is one that cannot recover, cannot be brought back, cannot be made to have a better day. If  you pray, pray I forget that I once gain forget the memories that came to me that inspired this poem. Please do so.

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A beauty so high.

Stoneworth didn’t give a fig about life. As far as he was concerned it could end in a breath and that would be just fine with him. He had lived long enough and life was a bunch of bull. Every step he took he stepped in a big pile of a reminder of it.

“Mr. Stoneworth, may I have your autograph, please,” said the young girl.

Stoneworth looked at the book and pen offered. Gritting his teeth he put on his best fake grin and signed one of his somehow formulaic but popular mysteries. If he thought it all was crap then why did he care if the girl was happy or not? Perhaps he didn’t want it to be all bad, maybe he wanted a sign of something good. Or maybe he wanted to pay bills until the crap buried him.

He left the tip on the table and then the cafe behind. His burger was not even half eaten. It was not a normal bull day.

It was worse. It was like rodeo week and he was the head scooper.

He should have stayed home and eaten the frozen Chinese dinner. It would match the frozen ears he had from the early winter wind. His work was now going to suck the rest of the day and night and he was going to be hungry. Any flow of plot he had was gone. And he had a deadline. Ten days or death would be knocking at his door. Either death or his agent. They looked about the same.

His apartment smelled like burnt hot chocolate, not coffee. He had tried the stuff but couldn’t drink it until it had enough milk, sugar and chocolate syrup in it to taste like hot chocolate. Why waste the time and the money? Just cut out the middle men.

He looked at the wall thermostat and the screwed on lock box. Freaking landlord. 65 degrees. He left his coat on and turned the small electric heater on. He let it oscillate just to have some noise in the place.

Even though he knew his purpose of the day was ruined he sat down at the laptop anyway. The 1 appeared at the top of one tab of the many opened in his browser for research on ancient Central American civilizations. His thoughts improved with hope.

He had mail. The list of songs were long and not quite his usual fare but he listened. She had sent them. He didn’t listen to much music. It caused headaches. But from her, the headaches didn’t happen. They inspired him.

My beauty has given a gift to me

One I don’t often have time to take

It could not be more sweet and dear

Unless the music her own fingers did make

How is one so beautiful

How is she in my life

If by chance life did change

“Stoneworth!”

He looked up at the ghastly form approaching. He stared through it. Why would it not leave him be? The ghost of a past that was no longer his. All he wanted was the now, the reality of what is.

He did not need what was the never was. He closed his eyes and pressed his hands together until his fingers turned white. The music started again in his ears.

“Worthless! Invalid!”

Stoneworth moved his hands to his ears and pressed hard. Forcing the music in. Driving the hate away.

The pain seared through his brain and down his spine. Cackling laughter reached his now unprotected ears. He slowly sank to the floor unable to control his movements. His body arched as spasms began.

Laughter.

Music.

Laughter.

He shut his eyes tight. Focus on her eyes, those brown eyes, focus. The cackling continued. The pain continued. But suddenly he did not care. He felt warmth touch his skin. A smile crossed his face. It didn’t matter. There was a light he could see now for the first time. And music. He was climbing higher and higher. His dream was there, higher than he had ever been before. A beauty like he would never witness again.

**

“What happened?”

“I don’t know officer. I came in when he missed his deadline for a book he was writing and found him.”

“Did you turn that heater on?”

“No officer. It was already going. I moved it away from his face though. It was really close.”

“Well, it looks like a heart attack.”

“He always said that’s how he would go.”

“Well, this looks like another case he solved before he ever got a chance to write it.”

stoneworth

Ronovan

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Never worry no more.

Normally I wait until after a piece to tell you the inspiration. Not this time. Fibromyalgia is bad. It can hurt so much you feel like you are going insane. Every emotion is magnified to an incredible level. Therefore depression can be bad, very bad. When you read this, it’s a Bluesy or Soul sounding thing, slow, pausing at the end of each line. I guess you could think of some of Alicia Keys work. I think you will get  feel for it maybe, or you can just read it like a poem. Depression and a brutal broken heart can feel the same way. I’m there tonight.

cropped-black-sight.jpg

 

My heart’s still poundin’ though you’re gone

It never really mattered what was wrong

I only wanted to be with you  for so long

And that was to be forever ever and ever and ever

 

But now I sit her all alone

Darkness closes in on me in my fears

Never have I been so filled with so so many tears

Now I can’t see anything through the bleary eyes of  what you’ve done

 

Oh Oh Oh Oh I’m never gonna forgive you this pain

You drove the stake through very vein

Why Why Why Why did you even even even . . . learn my name

But I only have myself to blame

 

There are ways to forget

There are ways I have left yet

There no reasons for regret

I’m just going to gamble on a bet

 

Never Never Never Never oh never call me again

Tear drops falling like a tornado filled with rain

Simple truths are simply made up lies

You fooled me once  and twice and more with those eyes

 

Oh baby just let me die.

Oh Oh Oh Oh I hate this time ever came to me

Why did you even ever have to be

Now I follow a path to eternity

 

Kill me once kill me twice and maybe I will forget

Oh baby you always knew just where to hit

You cut me with those words like a blade

Go ahead and cover my body with that old rusty spade

 

There are ways to forget

There are ways I have left yet

There no reasons for regret

I’m just going to gamble on a bet

 

Now I can rest and never worry no more

 

LMP

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8 Uplifting Things from the List of THE LATEST on CNN.com.

I’ve been told by several people now that I write too much about the L word here on my site. (Waving to all of you and you know who you are.) I would have included a smiley but it would have looked odd with the parenthesis. Okay. I shall talk about other things today.

ron_ballpark - Copy

 

What pray tell might those things be?

 

I decided to go with the list of . . .

 

8 Uplifting  Things from the List of THE LATEST on CNN.com.

 

TRAVEL

Hawaii is a beautiful place, obviously. Reminds me of Elvis and all those old movies of his. Hawaii is getting ready to be hit by two cyclones. I have a friend there I care about a great deal that has been driving everywhere to find water and get the other things she needs before they hit. I hope no one dies. She’s a good friend and we share a lot of similar problems. I don’t want to lose her. I had put the thought of the cyclones out of my mind enough to be okay. Thanks for the reminder of the death possibilities.

 

ENTERTAINMENT

The Doors and Jim Morrison, who can forget that voice? You wonder what he would have done if he had lived. Marianne Faithful said her ex killed Jim Morrison. Too much heroine. My half-brother died of a drug induced heart attack around the age of twenty. He had been doing hard drugs for years. That and my bio father’s alcoholism are two of the reasons I don’t drink or even smoke. Thanks for the reminder.

 

RELIGION

Peace in Gaza for the moment, a wonderful thing. Jews used to use the blood of non Jews in their holy matzos or so says a spokesman for Hamas. He says it’s true according to the Jews own books and things. I say “Show me the books, undoctored, or shut up”. Even then if it were true of the old it doesn’t mean it is true of the today. Of course they mention the myth of the Jews killing Jesus. Perhaps I am just too aware of the Bible to fathom this myth. More attempts to sway things one way or the other and both sides do it, but CNN happened to put this one up. As I said in a poem over the weekend, God made the peace and we destroyed it. But this isn’t a place time for Bible speak. Racism and the killing and deaths because of stupid things, at least this didn’t remind me of a death this time, just the near death of my cousin as the KKK whipped him and his black friend as they were tied to a tree. Thanks for the reminder.

 

 HEALTH

Ebola-People dying. 2 people arrived in Atlanta. It was on the news, which I can’t watch but see as I pass by the TV. I know it is happening. People are dying. Children are dying. People here in Atlanta are worried the suits will tear. I have a deep reason for not wanting to hear about children dying, that I recently found out about but had lost a memory of due to my amnesia. I am doing everything I can to forget it again. Yeah, the one memory I never wanted to be reminded of, thanks for the reminder.

 

POLITICS

Obama wants to plug a tax loophole. May I have something new please? How stop spending what we don’t have? It’s like a household budget, what can you control in your house budget? You can control what you spend. But I don’t want to get into politics. Both parties have good and bad about them. There is no one perfect party. Everyone, in truth does not vote for the best candidate, but the least awful one. At least there are no death reminders other than those that were dying in the veterans who were on waiting lists and all because of bureaucratic garbage. Glad my 82 year old step-father doesn’t have to rely on the VA although he’s veteran. You can see his picture from a father’s day post if you want to.

 

WORLD EVENTS

A Chinese city band beards? Well it also bans certain types of Islamic clothing along with the traditional beards by those riding buses during an upcoming event. One side says it is part of the anti terror policy of the year in China, the other says it is racism and a discrimination. I was the head of a small department for several years. I had Muslims working for me. I must have been very concerned for my safety? Perhaps it was from the Jews, Christians, Agnostics, and Atheists who all worked together harmoniously with each other along with the Muslims as good friends that I feared. Hmm. Thanks for the reminder of the bigot world, news world. Do I really need to say why this reminds me of death?

 

LIFE

A 9 year old was stabbed on a playground. I didn’t go into the story itself. My son is 10. You’ve seen his help work in some photography. Thank you for putting that thought into my mind as he goes back to school tomorrow.

 

INSPIRATION

An 88 year old woman was buried alive in an earthquake for 50 hours. She was rescued. Thanks again for the reminder of my 91 year old grandmother recently out of the hospital. My parents traveled to see her and take care of her as part of my family went to their ‘meeting’. Turns out she hadn’t been being fed and had wasted down to nothing. My 82 year old step-father, more like 65, cooked for her every meal. She ate like crazy and gained 10 lbs in a week. They said she couldn’t eat solid foods. I guess that roast she ate was not solid? All three helpings? She used to cook and feed all of us on hardly any money. You can see her and read about her if you like. I know I have to very old people in my life that won’t be here much longer. Thank you for the reminder about the possibility of death there and loss.

 

Well, I hope you have enjoyed the no L word post. Perhaps this will give you a look into what future posts may look like. I’ve written other things than the L word but I do suppose I talk about it often. It’s my life. But as one person told me recently you can’t chase the L word you get it by trickery and some other thing I can’t remember. I don’t do trickery so I guess I will just stick to writing about world events.

 

Is that what we want to read about? Is that what I want to write about? In all honesty I can write about anything, as you may know if you’ve read enough of my blog, I just happen to write about certain things more than other. Perhaps I should move away from one subject so often.

 

Perhaps I will put out a poll asking what you most enjoy reading here on RonovanWrites. I’ve been wanting to do a poll so now maybe I have my topic.

 

Much Appreciation to all of You

Ronovan

 

 

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Waking up and Recognizing

Waking up and Recognizing

by: Lost Mind

Sunglasses  Dark

What things are on this Lost Mind of mine

People focusing on a cinema and a dime

This world has gone total whack crazy

While lives die greater in numbers than F-bombs in a picture by Scorsese

 

We’re petty and selfish in ways we don’ t know

Don’t blame yourself for our ignorance though

Don’t get and angry with me for saying it

It’s just a thing that we all need to change and recommit

 

Did you buy a soft drink for 1.69

Did you stop on the way home for a fast food dine

While there is food in your house and a drink

I do it to, all that money and the good with it I don’t think

 

But it’s not all about the paper and the jangling discs

It’s about the deep and the core within our midst

No matter what you give in the way of the wealth

If you don’t change your heart death won’t come from lack of health

 

Dig a little deeper way down go where you hide

Go past the hole forming in the pocket on the right side

Take a u-turn and head back upright

Then squeeze that blind heart real real tight

 

When you finally feel the pain and the ache

And the agony is way way more than you can take

That feeling is the day to day fate

For those people to the world just don’t rate

 

We enjoy or luxurious compared lives

While girls are being taken by gun and knives

We enjoy our milk shakes and our Big Macs

While kids hide in mountains waiting for another rocket attack

 

Hey–you–yeah, the one looking at porn

There are babies that will die as soon as they’re born

While you HD and stream and grip your sex addiction online

Those babies grip a finger for their only time

 

Have I been preaching during this diatribe

I don’t know, do you feel so sick like you are poisoned by cyanide

I’m just here to share what thoughts seem to flow

Don’t like it, then just tell me to blow

 

After I wrote this another blogger friend of mind commented that apparently we were in the same mind set today. Take a look at Turn it Off if You Want to by joatmon 14.

 

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