Gasps for Breath.

Pain of life one leads,
Does not wither but exceeds.
Given winds of change,
My mind turns and twists, derange.

Torn ‘tween will and want,
What is it I can’t, I don’t?
  Cowed by maddened, dim lit eyes,
Failure I despise.

I yearn arms embrace,
But fate voids every trace.
Feelings remain deep,
I spurn my foe, night thief sleep.
To the sun promise may rise,
Reason for these tear filled eyes.

~*~

My love is a lump,
A cause for heart’s gasps for breath,
Consumes all my thoughts.

Heart's Gasps by Ronovan Hester


Hello everyone. Today I’m introducing something I believe is new. A normal poem followed by a Haiku that sums up the poem. I am calling this a Freku at this time. Write a normal poem, if you wish, followed by a Haiku that sums up the poem. Free verse plus Haiku equals Freku.

Can you take a poem and then sum it up in three lines of Haiku? Or perhaps the other way around? Look for an article (NEW FORM of Haiku & Poetry) coming soon to explain in more detail but I think this section covers it.

For mine I attempted a 5-7-5-7 for the first stanza, repeat for the next two, but at the end I include two more 7-7. And to wrap it all up I created a Haiku that sums up the poem.

I wrote a normal poem first then worked it down to the 5-7-5-7 patterns. That was as a challenge to myself.



Ronovan Hester is an author, with his debut historical adventure novel Amber Wake: Gabriel Falling due out in December of 2015. He shares his life as an amnesiac and Chronic Pain sufferer through his blog RonovanWrites.WordPress.com. His love of poetry, authors and community through his online world has lead to a growing Weekly Haiku Challenge and the creation of a site dedicated to book reviews, interviews and author resources known as LitWorldInterviews.com.

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@RonovanWrites

 © Copyright-All rights reserved by ronovanwrites.wordpress.com 2015

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HAS REALITY DAWNED FOR YOU?

Today may be a message you want to skip here on Ronovan Writes. It won’t be a pretty message. This is almost a rant but not really. It’s more of a self-realization and determination I’ve discovered as I witness actions in others. Now, don’t think that any of this is judging or anything like that. I’m speaking to this based on a personal level. But it’s something that almost hit me between the eyes with a clarity I’ve never seen before about the subject.

We are all alone at some point. We feel as though no one loves us and we wonder HAS REALITY DAWNED FOR YOU?why it is even worth attempting love. I’ve been there. My journals are filled with it. FILLED! I know the heavy feeling of the body when you are so low and your heart literally aches. If you’ve never felt heart ache, you’ve never been truly and desperately in need of love or been so broken because of it. Your body, your chest, your heart feels as though it is being squeezed and trying to expand out of your chest at the same time.

A mournful soul wailing in the night from some distant bedroom behind darkened windows takes on a meaning to you when reading it in a book like never before. Tears come to your eyes and you feel as though you’ve read the most beautiful thing in life.

And every moment you feel alone. There is no love for you. There is no caring, no warmth. No tender and loving touch.

The next morning you get up and hurriedly get yourself ready for the day, so you can then get your children ready for school.

You barely make it through your day, putting on fake smiles and pretend laughs only to arrive home to begin your ritual of loneliness again, once the children have gone to do their own things in their rooms.

This goes on for years. And then one day a reality dawns.

Now for me a reality dawned.

I am fortunate in many ways. You all know of my boy “B”. But you also know of my blog, my writing, my LitWorldInterviews site, and even my debut novel coming out. I have great friends that came together in my time of need for a laptop to keep my sanity and my lifeline going to all of you.

The dawning to me didn’t occur until now. It didn’t have to. It just happened. Maybe you’ve picked up on what the dawning is.

But for others they don’t realize what they have. People go through those feelings described above every day, wanting someone. For some they have children and never give a thought that they are loved, they have those people to love them, to have fun with, to enjoy life with.

People foolishly fall victim to the idea of must having a romantic partner in life to be complete. None of us are promised a partner. We have our lives, our abilities, and our imaginations.

To be happy in regards to companionship we have those around us; our family, our friends, and if we are in a situation of no longer having a partner or in that all too commonality of emotionally detached partner, then we may have children. Love those children and enjoy them. Do not be selfish and deny them your 100% enjoyment.

We don’t realize how aware children are these days. They notice everything because they are shown everything in so many forms. They know what facial expressions, body language, and even excuses really mean.

We can do a great deal of damage to our children by living and dwelling in a personal emotional space of constant want. We are the role models for our children, or we hope we are. Look at who and what you are, the space your mind is in and ask yourself if you want your child to be like that?

Yes, I know there are some with true concerns that need help, professional help, but I think most of you realize I am speaking about the rest of us who can overcome these moments and situations on our own.

You don’t need a romantic partner. That’s a myth. A very nice myth. A romance that happens is something for people who are in them. That does not mean they are in a situation that is better than a person who is not in a romance. You could probably ask a lot of people who are single again and they will tell you that they enjoy the single life a lot more. Some might say romance is better.

Love your kids, your friends, and your family. Don’t worry about romance. If it is meant to be and it happens, then that is a situation you will discover you either enjoy or not. A romance is a lot of work in order to make it a strong and lasting one. Even those that seem perfect to everyone else, they need a lot of behind the scenes work.

If you are someone waiting on someone else, even a specific someone, and that someone doesn’t seem to be waiting for you . . . think hard about enjoying what you do have. Sometimes what you have is the most precious thing you could ever have. Learn to smile and to love in you.


Ron_LWIRonovan is an author, and blogger who shares his life as an amnesiac and Chronic Pain sufferer through his blog RonovanWrites.WordPress.com. His love of poetry, authors and community through his online world has lead to a growing Weekly Haiku Challenge and the creation of a site dedicated to book reviews, interviews and author resources known as LitWorldInterviews.WordPress.com.

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

@RonovanWrites

 © Copyright-All rights reserved by ronovanwrites.wordpress.com 2015

 

Losing it. What do I do?

There’s a saying that goes something like, “You don’t know what you got till it’s gone.” For about two years I’ve kind of laughed at that phrase. For some of us, when something is gone we don’t even know what it was which means we don’t miss it.

I’ve been fine with it. I go through each day with a new loss flittering away and I feel fine. That’s because I don’t know what flitters away. Okay, so I know something is likely being lost. I’m aware that memories are lost.

Normally I don’t stress about it because stressing leads to other problems. Recently a memory loss, a huge one, became evident—with vigor.

I’ll explain an “other” problem for a moment. Depression. Well, I don’t know that it really needs to be explained. We all know what depression is. When a memory goes away and I then have people forcing that memory back in my head, or trying to get it back in there, things happen. The brain snaps. I actually at some point feel a pop in my head. I am sure it’s not really anything physical, only a psychological representation of what is happening.

When that happens, Ronovan is gone for a time.

My huge memory loss recently led to such a situation. I would think things were going fine, then wham, another hit from a different side. Lulled into things being okay. Wham, another hit. Rinse and repeat. Rinse and repeat.

Now, here I am, depressed, physically ill, and looking for the learning lesson of it all.

Memory problems make for a bad emotional entity. They also make for a bad relationship of any type. You wake up and you don’t know if that person who is your friend, spouse, significant other, father figure is still going to be that for you.

Who is it fair to in that situation? As I’ve been writing this I’ve been sorting through it all. I suppose the best thing is if it’s a repeat offender status thing, cut and run if the situation allows for it. I know live in family members can’t do that but there are things you can do.

Accept the memory loss person (MLP) for who they are, knowing what is possible.

Be supportive in the efforts of the MLP to handle it. Think for a moment about this. You wake up, or are even going along writing or watching a video and then—WHAM—you don’t know what day it is, or what city you are in, or who that person in the other room is. Ever wonder how a person handles that each day?

Think about being in the middle of a sentence and forgetting who it is across the table from you. In this age of internet and digital conversations and friendships it’s even more difficult to remember without those constant physical/visual cues.

People might find it surprising that I wake up and have forgotten the people in my house. Or I will go through one of those situations above. My body goes through a routine each morning and I discover what my problems are and I just go with it. I’ve told myself in letters not to stress, that I am normal. This is normal for me. I tell myself to begin to write something from a list of projects I’m working on.

Sometimes memories will come back or at least enough of a familiarity to make things fine or functionable. Yeah, another of my made up words.

What about the other person, the person forgotten?

What would I do if I were on the other end of this?

I honestly can’t answer that with an all encompassing solution. I think patience is part of it, understanding, and you know maybe even just cut and run. I know people balk at that last one but it is an option. But that is the option people will focus on here because it is seen as the uncaring, cold idea and how could I even think of telling someone to do that if a person cared about the MLP or of the MLP cares about the person.

I’ve been living with this for two years. You get to the point, where after having written about it, thought about it, and lived through it, you cut through it all to the heart or heartless of it all and give solutions.

And what about the MLP? Should they keep trying to remember, opening themselves up to an emotional tug-of-war to then either go through the loss again, perhaps not knowing it, or then being shut off once a connection is established again?

What do I do?

I have no one answer for myself. Perhaps I should, it would make my life easier. Can a person live a life, a healthy life mentally without people? I suppose they can but I’m not that far gone yet.

Now, for those who look at my writing and things I share each day and think I seem normal and I have all these friendships and all, the MLP has tricks they use to get by. Don’t call out the MLP for this if you still want to be a part of their life. At least they are trying.

I’ll tell you one trick I have. It’s called the Ronovan Writes Weekly Haiku Poetry Prompt Challenge. No, that’s not a plug for my challenge. I am telling you about a trick. There are people who do the challenge every week, and that means I read their work, usually at least twice, think about it, review it, see their names, and all of that every week. It doesn’t work for each person because of lack of regularity but when I see the name I know it’s familiar and once I get to their site things come back.

MLPs have sensory/emotional impressions of people if not actual memories. I know by a name, if it has been around me long enough, if that person is someone that is positive for me or negative, if that person is a friend or foe, if that person is emotionally good for me or a life drain.

When you hear that old saying about first impressions, it’s true. Make a good first impression and good last impression as well. You are asking, “How do I know when that last impression will be?” Whenever you leave the communication presence of someone, that’s your last impression until the next time you connect with them.

Well, this has been a longer message than I had planned, and I’m not sure if it is even what I had intended, but it is what it is and that’s all that it is. So, as I have just now read back through it, you might find it surprising I forgot about half of what I wrote while I was writing this. But again, it is what it is. I’m not to blame, you are not to blame, there is no blame.

Oh, I just remembered why I was writing this. Seriously. That big recent memory loss I had, like a mind wipe almost, took some important people away and broke things. Hmm, never mind. You know, I’ve tried. I think I will just deal with the depression of it all, come out the other side, and say I am what I am. It’s all I can be. Even if I don’t like it, I have to accept it or wind up on the 6 o’clock news.

 

Much Respect

Ronovan

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To your whim. (A Poem)

Desire falls to whim

In a heart’s beat symphony

I am all with you.

Let’s connect.

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Pure and Evergreen.

I wrote you letters on your doorstep in late December
Painted through thoughts pure and evergreen

Never knew they would be so briefly held to matter
Why are they memories that won’t escape me

You don’t want to know me

Do you even care
Are you even aware
Do you ever remember loving me

Does your mind dare
Does it go there
Does it ever remember knowing me

I spelled your name in the sky through my bedroom window
Never will I be able to look that way again

I try to write a letter so you will remember
Tears blur the words until I can’t see

My heart burns so
My chest tightens to know
Please, oh please come crucify me

Loving you is a matter of a contradiction
Do you know what that means

Please, oh please you crucify me

 
 

 
 

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