Amaze Me – A Poem

How you amaze me
Every day
I think of ways
You give me life and meaning

 

No one who
Could be like you
And not change me

 

How you amaze me
How you amaze me
How  you amaze me

 

I travel through
a black blue sea
until I can be
just one of your days

 

Finding words
Like pulling nerves
Too many and all painful
Just let me be pain free
Once in my life

 

How you amaze me
How you amaze me
How you amaze me

 

Just once in my life
Make me pain free.

 

 

I used to call these my lyrical poems. I suppose all poems are lyrical…with the right accompaniment. What you see is what came out as it came out.

Standard Poetry Image for Friday

© 2020 Ronovan Hester Copyright reserved. The author asserts his moral and legal rights over this work.

TO SOAR – a poem

I miss the beauty while in the pain.

I forget the truth while fighting the lies.

I lose confidence while filthy in self-pity.

I

I

I

jailed in the mind-itching madness of insanity

the heart atrophies one beat at a time.

for the lack of…

what

of

of one touch

one touch

is that it

is that all it takes

all it takes for the heart to burst

from my chest and to soar

to soar across the lands

to soar across seas

to soar

to

to soar to… sweet… whispers

to… healing

or is it to soar to beat faster

and faster

and faster…

with each touch of lips and fingertips

is that mending

or is that sweet beauty

is that sweet pain

sweet insanity

sweet madness

the madness of a love so strong it defies the world

defines what love is what love has never been

oh that day

that day is going down in the works of historians

is going down in the songs of mankind

is going down

and all the pain, the tragedy,

the endless seconds passing in a hell of denial

will be soothed and released by the whispers

of…

by…

 

Ronovan writes standard poetry image

© 2020 Ronovan Hester Copyright reserved. The author asserts his moral and legal rights over this work.

Stumbling on: A Tanka Poem.

The breeze caresses

like your longing fingertips

fate glides through my mind

with lightning, thunder and pain

I stumble on day by day.

© 2020 Ronovan Hester Copyright reserved. The author asserts his moral and legal rights over this work.

ADDLED-BRAINED CAT LOVER: A Thank you Haiku Poem to a Feline.

ADDLED-BRAINED CAT LOVER

 

Felled by voiding blows,

I stumbled through life numbing days,

‘Til saved by a cat.

 

© 2020 Ronovan Hester Copyright reserved. The author asserts his moral and legal rights over this work.

Making a Commitment to a Nutrition Lifestyle.

Time for a bit of motivating on this Monday. More for myself than anyone else. I have decided to try out the diet known as the Paleo Diet for my Fibromyalgia.  I’ll give more information about Paleo in another article. Now, at this time I want to stress a point. I am not, repeat not, going on a diet. Yes, I need to lose weight, but my goal in life is to be healthy on the inside. I have my reasons. Some obvious and some I like to keep to myself.

(oooo doesn’t that get you to wondering? No, I am not going to be an MMA fighter just so I can get up close and personal to Ronda Rousey. But then again. Hmmm. You might be able to twist my arm. Hahahahahaha. MMA jokes kill me. Well they actually could.)

Wow that was a total off the subject ramble. But it’s my blog and I’ll ramble if I want to. Taking a deep breath before I go off on song lyrics now.

image of healthy foods

I’m not dieting. What I am going to refer to this moving forward and I’ll be possibly doing something future with my journey in a book form if things go well is something I call a Nutrition Lifestyle. Diet is word that was never meant to represent a losing weight regimen.

Your diet is what you eat.

I believe it’s time we took that back.

I also think it’s time we took back our foods. Processed foods are killing us. With Paleo, I’m changing the title of that to Clean Food Nutrition, this means as natural food as possible, not being Nazi about it, but doing the best I can with the finances I have.

Have you ever looked at ground beef in the stores? For those outside of the USA ground beef is the kind of meat you would make a hamburger from or meatballs. Due to allergies in my home labels are studied thoroughly. You will find on some ground beef packaging that beef flavoring has been added.

The first time I read this I had no clue. After it was shown to the butcher he was shocked as well. After all, unless you are buying a roast and then having the butcher grind it up for you, which you can do, the ground beef comes to the stores prepackaged.

Many chickens and the various parts in the butcher area show having broth added.

Before Vegetarians and Vegans say just don’t eat meat, you then venture into the vegetable areas in the produce and you will unfortunately discover some produce are treated with a preservative in the fields without the store even knowing it. This happens with nuts as well. The bad part? The preservative is a natural product so it can be called all natural or organic.

Soy is organic. Soy is a huge problem these days as people are now developing allergies to it being in just about every food we eat.

For me, it’s not so bad. I can eat just about anything, technically, but I won’t. So we’ll see what happens, and I’ll keep everyone updated.

I’m also throwing some Yoga into the mix. I’ve tried some recently but it completely flared my Fibromyalgia so out of control that I’ve been, truthfully, scared to try it again. But what’s it gonna do, make me hurt more than a flare?

One last reason I have to do this is because medications I am on cause weight gain. I worked very hard to lose a lot of weight and then was put on the meds. Not all the weight is back, thank goodness, but I also can’t be put on Blood Pressure medicine because basically it drops my pressure too low and I have a chance of fainting and hitting my head, and having another concussion, that isn’t acceptable. I’ve fallen several times since that day two years ago and lost memory progress I had gained. No more concussions for me.

So for me, it’s life or death. And I mean that in many ways.

Much Respect-Much Love

Ronovan

Ron_LWIRonovan is an author, and blogger who shares his life as an amnesiac and Chronic Pain sufferer though his blog RonovanWrites.WordPress.com. His love of poetry, authors and community through his online world has lead to a growing Weekly Haiku Challenge and the creation of a site dedicated to book reviews, interviews and author resources known as LitWorldInterviews.WordPress.com.

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@RonovanWrites

 © Copyright-All rights reserved by ronovanwrites.wordpress.com 2015

Depression, Understanding, and Finding Peace.

Year of Renewal. That’s what my theme for this year is. In reality that’s a theme for every day. For someone who has days that are very routine oriented, who needs days that are very routine oriented I surprisingly find myself starting over a lot.

Just when you think things in your life are possibly, just possibly on the right track—Boom! But that’s okay. If you look at my life, I’m kind of accustomed to things never being quite where I need them to be or like them to be or maybe it’s just that life is not where I expect it to be.

Talking About Depression.

First off, I am going to say that everyone is different. No two people have the exact same things about their depression. They may be similar enough to be helped but they are all unique. Also, how they are helped will vary. What I discuss here today is about me and what I know and have discovered through my adventure through this thing we call life.

Depression is something a lot of people think they understand. A lot of people are wrong. For me, a conk on the head, the loss of all my memories, and a ton of pain without ceasing plays havoc with my abilities to cope at times. Don’t get me wrong, I do fairly well. Sure, I talk about depression and life situations at times, actually not near as much as I once did, but I do so to share with others so they can see there is a bright spot, a way through, an ability to overcome. I do so in order that people who don’t understand can understand about someone in their life that may suffer from depression. And by the way, I can’t stand the word cope, but it might pop up at times today.

Tell Your People It Happens.

For those of you who do suffer from depression know that life is not over. That’s something to tell those who support you and give you sympathy to the point of enabling you to be depressed even more often. That makes it sound as though depression is something one can turn on and off like a garbage disposal. No, but once you are in a bout of depression what is your motivation to come out of it if those around you are doing nothing but giving you pity?

That being said, you do need time to handle it. And no one, no matter what, can force someone out of a true bout of depression. I am not speaking of sadness, I am speaking of depression.

Being Mr. Positive about my life is a pain in the backside at times. Don’t get me wrong, I am fine. I really am Mr. Positive. I’m not dead. I could be and probably should be. But I’m here rambling away. But let me tell you one thing about depression.

It Sucks.

For those of you who experience depression I’m here to say I know how much it sucks. There is a line you are trying to not be sucked over but the quicksand of that part of your mind just keeps pulling you in. We all get jerked over that line. And let me tell you folks who haven’t experienced depression, I’m not talking about grief and sadness, you do get jerked over that line. One moment you are fine and the next it’s literally like a switch has been flipped. One moment one side of the line, next moment the other side of the line, yes, sucked over. Sucks. I used that word for a reason after all.

When I enter the suck zone I am fortunate that I can come here and write about it in some form. Normally it’s a poem. I don’t feel poetic today. In fact my long form poetry may be on hiatus for a while. I’ve been struggling lately. As an example there are times when I open a page to type and the tears begin. It may even be my opening email to write someone and the tears begin. It doesn’t matter what I am writing, they begin. But how do I keep going? I want to go into me for a bit more  here and I will tell you later on how I keep going. But now a bit about the for real me.Because me is the best example and the most thorough example I can give.

  • Retrograde amnesia – Meaning I don’t remember people or events prior to my fall other than my son.
  • Short Term Memory problems – There are times I won’t remember from one hour to the next something. There are even times I won’t remember something from 5 minutes ago.
  • Fibromyalgia – which consists of things such as Chronic Pain and Chronic Fatigue.
  • Osteoarthritis – of the entire spine with a narrowing of the spine at the base.
  • Migraines that do not stop but only vary in intensity.
  • Light sensitivity.
  • Sound sensitivity.
  • Problems with crowds.
  • Not allowed to drive.
  • Recently fell again and hit my head again.
  • Cannot do math to save my life.
  • Crippling hand pain where I end up using pencils to type with, or my knuckles or try to use voice to text programs.
  • No off switch to the brain. Most of the time I can’t stop thinking and just have to fall asleep from exhaustion.
  • Herniated discs in neck and other parts of spine.
  • Slowly becoming a recluse without actively trying.

For those out there who are professional therapists or whatever, I am not using these things as identifiers but simply as contributors to something I am talking about. I identify myself as positive, constructive, and creative things. So don’t fret and chill a bit.

That’s a list of some of the problems I have. There are other things related to them I have and also those caused by the medications I must take but I don’t want to take up the whole article with all of that. One thing happening right now is as I type these words it feels as though with each keystroke I am jamming my fingers into nails and needles. But my escape from all of my troubles is writing.

It Isn’t Pretend.

Looking at that list, do you think my bouts of depression are simply moments I want to just wallow in self-pity? Or do you perhaps see things that can overwhelm someone to the point of breaking for a short time until recovery takes place? I admit if you are having a bad time in life sometimes you do want to just wallow in that downer time, acknowledge, and own it and then move on, but that’s something completely different.

Look at an athlete. Let’s say you have someone participate in the Iron Man Triathlon. Following that event, after pretty much every muscle group has been used and spent, they need a time to recover. No one questions that. Well, the brain can be exhausted as well by various stimuli that force it to work overtime and then it needs to shut down and recover. So think of depression as the after effects of a mental marathon and the time it takes to come out of a bout of it is that cool down, rub down, and however much rest needed to recover from it.

Another aspect similar to the Triathlete is exhaustion. Depression is so mentally draining you feel like you can barely move. I compare it to having the flu. You do not want to move. For me it intensifies the physical pains because I am not able to put my mind on other things. I focus on me  and notice what is wrong with me more. Normally I do everything possible to ignore the pain.

The True Silent Killer.

In addition to the list above depression is also part of everything. It goes along with the memory loss and the Fibromyalgia. Oddly, Fibromyalgia is not a life threatening illness. The depression part of it is. Just call the life threatening aspect a side effect.

Although the brain takes over and will shut everyone and everything out, at some point I’ve learned to handle things for the most part and take preventative measures. I partly do this by closing myself off from negative stimuli as much as possible. Those negative stimuli primarily relate to the media. I am also fortunate, in a way, that I  spend my days in a little room typing away at writing novels, articles, and interviews a good portion of my waking hours and can just crash whenever the pain is too much or the Chronic Fatigue hits.  This also helps with some of my physical ailments and allows me to be able to function at least somewhat normally, or at least appear to do so for my son.

Understanding.

Something people don’t understand about the seclusion part during a bout of depression is, it isn’t intentional or something I am even aware of until afterwards. My mind takes over to heal itself.

But then I get slammed by something. In those moments I shutdown and I don’t just mean my laptop. My brain shuts down until it can handle it. With the responsibilities here in Blog World I am not able to shut down as much as I need to but then again work is work. Responsibilities are responsibilities and when you agree to do something then you do it.

Amnesia is an unusual part of the package in my life. Throw in the short term memory problems as well. There are things I don’t remember at all from before my accident. Let’s be completely honest, as far as people, you could probably number them on one maybe two hands. That’s out of decades of my life. I’ve  learned to mange that at times, but it does overwhelm as well. No matter where I am a wave of not knowing will sometimes hit me.

Now to the short term memory problems. Here in my home it is not as much an issue because people simply work with it or around it. Well, most of the time. Thus the need for routine. For breakfast I have about two options I make. Two for lunch and for dinner I eat what I am given or if not given anything I revert to one of my lunch options. I was never one for enjoying the same thing over and over, or so I am told, but now I eat the same thing. There have been days where I had the same thing for each meal and didn’t know it. It’s one way to save on the grocery bill.

But how does short term memory problems contribute to my depression? First of all, I don’t remember things from a short time ago, even during the same day. But the biggest problem and really it is part of the first problem is people. I am accused so often of neglect by people. Why do you not talk to me? Why do you ignore me? Why did you stop being my friend? Why are you a jerk? Why have you made my life so upsetting?

Now, as time goes by I develop ways of dealing with these messages. I file them in the T folder. Yes, that may sound harsh but the truth of the matter is if a person does not know me well enough or cares enough about me to understand my situation well enough to, and I hate to say this, just go with it, then there isn’t anything I can do about it. If I remember I remember if I don’t I don’t.  And one sure fire way to guarantee me not remembering is to send a message including phrases like those in the previous paragraph. You may tell me you were the most important person ever to me. I don’t know my mother or my father. The only member of my family I know is my son. Step back and reflect on that for a moment. Put that into perspective.

But those that persist trigger the depression, they tip my brain over that line into the suck zone. The exhaustion zone. The I ain’t here no more zone.

And the saddest part of it all is it’s not about me. It’s about them. They will never recognize nor acknowledge they have anything to do with it. Nor will they simply accept whatever the new way things are and go with it and leave the petty remarks in their pocket.

For some people they deal with a combination of everything I go through and then go to work each day. Imagine having depression and not being able to tell your boss. It’s not something you can control, and it may not even interfere with your work but guess what happens when you tell your employer. A great deal of the time you end up with a  label, a stigma, a pink slip, a demotion, a new job at home without a paycheck but done so in a manner as of it being downsizing or they suddenly find all these things that have never been wrong with your job performance before. So guess what? Handling depression gets even more difficult. Yes, it’s difficult for me for certain reasons and it’s difficult for others for other reasons.

Do you want to know what the biggest problem with depression is? People. People not treating you as a person and just letting you do what you need to do to work through it. I have people who think talking a lot will help me. Okay, so I am depressed, my brain has shut down. It simply wants to rest and you then want to get in my safety zone and turn on the fake happy and talk like a crazy clown?

I’ll end that part of things there.

So what do I do?

What do I do beyond medications and preventative shutting out of the negative parts of the world? I turn to God. I have medications for pain, migraines, and I think one that does a double duty job on something plus is also a depression thing. It’s not specifically for depression but one of the alternate uses is for it. But all of those things together don’t work. Pain is still there and life goes on. The one thing that can bring me peace of mind and put me on an even keel is the Word of God.

One of my favorite verses, one I have shared before is “He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”~Psalm 46:10

You see there isn’t really a specific verse that says “If you are depressed do this.” Instead the Bible tells us what to do as an everyday practice.

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”~Philippians 4:4-7

And I know there are other verses about praying without ceasing and the like.

That’s tough. Let’s not sugar coat it. Let’s not make it sound easy. When you are being torn apart in the middle of a bout of depression it is difficult to find the energy to even say a prayer. I won’t lie to you about that. But you don’t have to. You see, I know my Bible. Oddly that is something I didn’t forget. I don’t HAVE to necessarily say a prayer or even praise God in the way you are thinking to be pulled out of depression or be made at least at ease enough to ride through it. Knowing God is there is enough. Since I believe in Him so strongly, just the thought of Him is enough.

A Year of Renewal. Plans don’t always work out the way you think. I think having that word Renewal is appropriate. This isn’t a tips article. It’s what I do to survive. It’s what I do to find peace. And with that in mind, this will be my last article on this subject or these problems. If you ever find yourself with questions, refer to this article, I’ll even put a link to it on my About page.

peace-understanding-depression

Be seeing ya,
Ronovan Writes

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© Copyright-All rights reserved by ronovanwrites.wordpress.com 2015

 

 

People Hate Me

Did you know people hate me?

Sounds impossible I know but they do. I am an odd person. I have strange ailments. Today let’s talk about Amnesia. Mine is persisting in much of the areas of my life.

First of all I don’t want people to think this is a pity article. I’m fine. When I say I am fine, I really mean it. I am merely sharing this for people to understand why things happen in my life the way they do and perhaps they have experiences with someone and this might help explain it. So really, I handle this all the time, every day, so no worries, Okay?

For those of you not aware, I fell in my home and received a concussion which caused Retrograde Amnesia, meaning memories before the accident as well as Short Term Amnesia, meaning I have problems retaining current information. Now you know why I write so much. Think of this Blog as my notes on life and even my poetry can tell me where and what I was at during a given day.

The Short Term Memory Loss is the issue here. Mine tends to be when I sleep, or am absent from something too long. My mind also apparently uses it as a defense against reminders of bad situations.

I recent times my Chronic Fatigue has been flaring up in a big way resulting in a lot of sleep, not good for the memory. I’ve forgotten people. I’ve forgotten friends.

Why do people hate me?

I forget them. That’s bad. I know it. But then there is something in my mind that says run. There is an element of fear there. Did you know a big guy like me fears something like forgetting people and their hating him? Yeah, it happens. I have a lot of issues in life to deal with, one is my son. Can you imagine being 10 and having a father who has Amnesia, Fibromyalgia, Osteoarthritis, Chronic Fatigue, Light and Sound Sensitivity and isn’t allowed to drive yet?

My son worries about me every day. He checks on me all the time. He doesn’t know that I notice but I do. I see him looking in my room to make sure I am okay. Yeah, my son has to be the kid with the weirdo dad. I try to act as normal as can be around him but there are limitations.

Then I have people that hate me.

My number of waking hours each day have dwindled. My writing here has dwindled, my writing on LitWorldInterviews has dwindled recently. I did NaNoWriMo but i felt obligated after agreeing to it and that’s where the most of the waking hours went. My mind operates differently than most I suppose.

So for those hate me . . .

Okay. once I get all those other problems under control, maybe I cam make it so people won’t hate me as much. For now, I am just trying to stay awake long enough to see my son at night and trying to get up in the mornings to see him off to school.

Much Respect

Ronovan

Ron_LWI

 

 

PS-I would have mentioned the 24/7 Migraines I have but I thought that was over kill.

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© Copyright-All rights reserved by ronovanwrites.wordpress.com 2014

In times of trouble, just Let it Be.

It’s been some times since I did what a song means to me and I miss those days.

Songs that make you pause, bring hope, peace, melancholy. Some look at melancholy as a completely bad thing, but often times it’s the only time you have to experience peace and reflective moments.  No, don’t get me wrong, this is not to say I am in a state of melancholy. I am simply giving possible emotions a song may bring.

I had another song in mind when while glancing through the extensive list I happened to glimpse Let it Be, written and sung by Paul McCartney with the Beatles.

Paul has said in interviews when asked the meaning of the lyrics, if they have Biblical meanings, that those who listen are to take from it what they like. Much like we here in our poetry communities say. In other words, he wrote the song for himself as he needed to after a dream about his departed mother and as for the definition of lyrics he will simply . . . Let it Be.

For me the song was once a beautifully simple song.,back in my pre-Christian days of not knowing of the Let it Be reference to May and her response to the angel Gabriel about her pregnancy, only one interpretation of the lyrics.

For me now, Let it Be does bring a sense of peace as I deal with with my Chronic pain, Chronic Fatigue, Osteoarthritis, and Amnesia. I am given more medications than I have ever even looked at in my life, I am certain, well almost certain. A bit of amnesiac humor only I can poke at myself with, thank you very much. I lose things daily and gain some only to be lost again.

I lose the memory of friends from Blog World that I have the feeling are of some significance but things don’t click. One day there, and a hard nights sleep or battle with a flare up and they are gone. Fibromyalgia combined with Concussion has brought about some unusual results.

I write, I blog, I live, I love children, I love inspiration, and for all that I cannot control I simply . . . Let it Be.

For trivia minded:

Paul wrote the song after a dream of his mother, Mary who had died of cancer when he was 14, during the time around the recording of The Beatles (The White Album).

The song became the title of the album that was released after McCartney’s announcement of his leaving The Beatles.

There are numerous versions of the song recorded by the Beatles for films, singles, album, and anthologies.

Wikiepedia notes that Kris Allen, Aretha Franklin, Brooke White, Katie Stevens, Boney M., Joan Baez, George Michael, Willie Nelson, Pearl Jam, David Bowie, Fiona Apple, Billy Ocean, Elvis Presley, Diana Ross, Status Quo, Seether, Stereophonics, Rod Stewart, Jennifer Hudson, B5, and Widespread Panic among others have covered the song. This being an eclectic sampling of how popular the song is.

I personally think it odd that the title track of the album is Let it Be and the band has broken up. I believe perhaps it was a message to the fans saying just Let it Be.

What does the song mean to you or what feeling does it bring? Jenna Willett of Jen’s Pen Den does a regular weekly post about music that inspires her during writing, what mood would this inspire for you?

When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me
Shine until tomorrow, let it be
I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

Much Respect

Ronovan

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A Conversation

A Conversation

by: Ronovan

 

“Tell me how you’ve been doing since the last time we spoke?”

 

At least the questioning was consistent. I supposed I should take comfort in there being something that remained the same. Of course that didn’t stop me from replying without the brain filter in place. “Do you really have to ask?” I kept staring at the ceiling tiles. I wondered if the room was really that dark.

 

There wasn’t a reply or even a sigh revealing a hint of disapproval or exasperation at my tone of wording. Not that I really expected one. “Okay, fine, I’m about the same as always. Is that what you wanted to me to say?”

 

“Only if that’s the way you’ve really been.”

 

Was that what they call passive aggressive? “Yeah,” I sighed. I had always wondered what that ‘sigh of an answer’ meant in reading but now I knew. You could sigh and speak at the same time. It’s like a surrender of spirit almost.

 

“Tell me how yesterday was.”

 

“It’s like every other day Pinky, I tried to recover my world,” I said.

 

No laugh. None expected. But I imagined old cartoon shows about mice weren’t on the viewing list.

 

“Where do you want me to start?” I stared at the spot on the ceiling where the shadows always made the dust look like a puppy if you looked just right.

 

“How did you sleep?”

 

The thought of ‘in a bed’ came to mind but I knew better than to be that sarcastic. There was being pretty tolerant and forgiving of my moods, and there was downright disrespectful. Even if I didn’t have the brain filter any longer I still knew better than to be downright disrespectful. “I woke up about 1:30 the first time, I think. The days tend to run together after so many being the same.”

 

“Are you sure it wasn’t 3:00 AM?”

 

I was wrong there was a sense of humor. “You’re a funny guy I don’t care what they say about you.”

 

“Why did you wake up this time?”

 

I smiled in spite of exhaustion. “This is a funny one. I think I actually breathed too hard.” I knew that wasn’t going to be enough of an answer, but it was the truth.

 

“How do you breathe too hard?

 

“Well, actually I just took a deep breath for some reason. It could be the sleep apnea.” But if it were sleep apnea then I would not be breathing at all, but then I would take big gulps of air. Okay so it might have been the sleep apnea.

 

“And why would the deep breath wake you up?”

 

I started counting the tiles in the ceiling, as if they had changed in number since last time, or the time before that, or even the time before that one. “Pain Monster didn’t like it.”

 

“The ‘pain monster’ is your lower back?”

 

“Yes,” I began. “At least that’s what woke me up. Then Neck Grinder started to protest as well.”

Continue reading

Prismatical

Prismatical

by: Ronovan the Lost Mind

Prism xray like image

These limbs I hate

Give me a saw

But how would I do it

Without them at all

 

So they ache

My fingers pain

I keep writing these words

Driving me slowly insane

 

I have happiness

But why do I fight

I hang onto the madness

With all of my might

 

Is it that the pain

Is something that is always mine

Is it that it will never leave

Is it because I’ll never be fine

 

Spin around twice

Capture the light in a bottle of green

Shake it up

It looks quite obscene

 

Yeah that just came to me

In the middle of this thought

Now you see what I deal with

It’s something I’ve always fought

 

Bring on the words

And throw out the time

Days mean nothing

When you have no kept mind

 

You probably been thinking

This boy is crazy crazy

But to know the whole truth

My brains just dazy hazy

 

The luminary softness glow

Cascades across her ebon locks

Enticing my thoughts to danger

Worth death of all for one kiss

 

I went off in another direction

My mind is distracted by a world aflamed

What does it all mean

I’m learning not to ever feel ashamed

 

Let your thoughts flow

Just get it out of your system

Cause if you hold it in

You’ll be fractured psyched like a prism

 

 

Image Credit: gettyimages© Original Photo by Steve Satushek /The Image Bank

© Copyright-All rights reserved-RonovanWrites.wordpress.com.

I Don’t Stop Living

Fibromyalgia Doesn’t Stop Me Living

 by: Ronovan

If you’ve been around my blog a bit you notice a lot of things written about how I hurt sometimes, usually in my poetry. That’s my release, that escape hatch. But something else you may have noticed is, I haven’t stopped living my life.

 

For one I do a fairly decent job of putting out a lot of content for my blog, and it’s varied. Perhaps that’s just the old noggin not being able to shut down from the concussion.

Buck Toothed Smiley with Light Bulb

 

 

Sorry, I had to write down an idea for another blog article. But as I was saying I don’t let Fibromyalgia stop my life. I have a son, let’s call him B, yeah for boy, original, huh?

Boy at desk with apple

But wait, you say you don’t know what Fibromyalgia is? Wow. Actually I’m not surprised. Oddly enough you may be reading this and have it yourself. You’ve heard of Chronic Pain and Chronic Fatigue syndromes? Then you know something about FMS, Fibro, Fibromyalgia. I’m not going to go into details right now, but just think of having pain all the time or pretty much every minute. I’ll do an article of what it acutally all entails another time, but I’m not letting it take over my life of having fun blogging right now.

Now back to living. I’m not supposed to do a lot of things with my ailments because they make me hurt. But here is the thing . . . it’s a secret so don’t tell anyone else, okay? Good. No matter what I do or don’t do I’m going to hurt anyway, so I’m going to enjoy life regardless.

 

Sure I can’t sit in a chair very long. I can’t lay down very long. I can’t stand up very long. Riding in a car is grrrr. But other than the car I know I can stop or change whatever it is, and those I am with understand it and if they don’t they can just go on without me.

 

My son needs practice hitting a baseball. We have some wiffle balls to use and he has my old Louisville Slugger little league wooden bat. Yes, I know they use aluminum bats but this is what we have and it is actually working on his strength. Just imagine when he pick up an aluminum bat to hit the kind of speed he’ll have.

Wiffle balls and bats on grass

So what do I do in the day time? 20 wiffle balls in a bucket times five rounds of buckets equals 100 pitches from the guy that isn’t supposed to do things. Oh and that’s 2 buckets for him to hit right handed, and 2 to hit left handed and the final 1 for whatever he wants to do. Yes, 9-10 year old who can switch hit, all on his own. These are very light so it’s not the weight that gets me it’s the arm motion. My arm doesn’t move like that any longer, but I make it do it.

 

He sometimes wants to learn to throw a spiral with the football, American football. I’ve discovered during this summer that I can apparently pitch pretty well and my throwing arm for the football is not bad at all.

 

What happens after these B times? Yeah, pain. What happens during the B times? Yeah, pain. But you know what happens as well? Life, learning, laughs, and love.

 

Just because I have something that can’t be cured doesn’t mean that I have to let it dictate my entire life. Are there days I just can’t do things? Oh yeah, plenty. And everyone understands that. But if it is at all humanly possible I’ll do things. You see I’ve lived with pain for so long that it’s kind of like a limp. I have it every step I go but I don’t notice it, I just keep walking and I keep getting to where I want to go.

 

Oh, but there is one thing my son won’t let me do. He won’t let me on his bike. I tried when his back was turned and he nearly freaked out. I don’t know if he was worried about me or his bike. But yeah, he does watch out for me.

 

Much Apprecation to all of You

& Especially for my boy B

Ronovan

 

© Copyright-All rights reserved-RonovanWrites.wordpress.com-July 05, 2014.

If not me then who?

If not me then who?

by: Ronovan

 

I recently wrote an article called The Disguise of Contentment about life with illness and disabilities and how others look at seemingly healthy people who suffer from them. As I was writing it I simply wanted to share with people the other side of something of stereotyping.

 

If you’ve been reading my work for a while you know I don’t hold back. I only know how to write one way and that is personal. My site is primarily a place to release those thoughts in my mind, as I have put it in a previous article I call it Writing for Therapy.

 

I say all of this to make sure you understand to never look at anything I write as attention seeking or a pity party. I’m beyond all of that. Sometimes the pain gets to me and I just need to let the feelings out in words and by doing so I have discovered there are people out there who can relate. They find comfort in knowing they are not alone and that a person is productive and creative even while living with some really whacked out pain problems. (I apparently love the phrase ‘whacked out’.)

 

Just to clarify a bit of that previous article and its intent:

 

If you see a person with disabilities that are obvious you have the opportunity of choice; a) treat them just like anyone else, b) treat them with pity, which they don’t want, or c) be aware they may need assistance at times.

 

For someone appearing healthy, such as myself, those options aren’t there. What this brings me to is people with disabilities don’t want pity they just want to be understood. I know it’s difficult to understand in a brief encounter with someone, but the way to be is like me in a grocery store and asking for help. If I ask for help then I need it. If I park in a handicap spot and if my car has the right tags or permissions on it to do so then keep moving and don’t look at me like a criminal.

 

I personally don’t care. I’ve moved past what others think about me. My main mission is what I think about myself. If I am good with me then I’m all good period. But how will other people know if people like me don’t share experiences?

 

And remember, I’m the same guy that wrote about writer’s needing fluffy butt cushions and canaries. Just because there are some raw and honest work from me doesn’t mean that is what defines me. I’m a funny guy. Ask my other self, he’ll tell you.

He lies.

Shut up, Os.

If you see an article or poem that appears to be a pity poem or a sympathy seeker don’t think that. It’s just me releasing the only way I have available and in a way that I hope others can connect with and say “Yeah, that’s me too. I’m not alone.”

Just so no one thinks this is just my rants about things, please read A good day out and a dollop of judgement at The Happy Starfish.

© Copyright-All rights reserved-RonovanWrites.wordpress.com-June 22, 2014.

 

The Disguise of Contentment

Stephen Hawking

 “I can’t disguise myself with a wig and dark glasses – the wheelchair gives me away.”-Stephen Hawking

 

 The Disguise of Contentment

by: Ronovan

Do you have certain thoughts when you see an elderly person slowly getting out of the car in the handicap spot at a store? What do you do when you see an elderly person in a store having to use a walker to walk with? What about those with obvious disabilities?

 

If you were to think about it honestly, you probably don’t give it a second thought. That’s who is supposed to be using those parking spaces and walkers, right?

 

I recently changed my Profile Picture back to my real photo. I was hesitant to do so because I was worried it would take away from the impression one gets from my writing. I know how when I read someone’s work the image used does sometimes add or take away from what I am reading but eventually I no longer even see the person as I read more and more of their work.

RonovanWrites

Now, look at my picture. You see a man that’s 6’1”, fairly clean cut, broad shouldered, some say rugged looking. I think rugged means someone who has been out in the rugged weather to much and is worn out looking, but okay, I can agree with that. When I wish I can assume the role of a bulldozer in crowds, politely so and people tend to get out of my way. This has usually occurred in the past when someone has held onto my shoulder and others are holding onto them in order to follow me through the crowd. Teenagers love me for this.

The rugged guy is leaning on a rail over a beautiful river, and somewhat smiling at the camera or at least not frowning. In other words you see the picture of contentment.

 

Arthur Erickson

“Illusion is needed to disguise the emptiness within.”-Arthur Erickson

I’m the one that gets out of the car slowly from the handicap spot. I don’t use a walker in the grocery store, I lean on the cart instead. I’m the one that walks slowly forcing anyone with me to take their time. I’m the one that people have to get things from the bottom shelf for.

 

I’m the one that people look strangely at as he gets out of the car. I’m the one they look strangely at as he shuffles through the store. I’m the one that gets left behind as people walk on ahead. I’m the one that can’t get anyone to help get things from the bottom shelf.

 

I’m the one leaning on the rail for support. I’m the one hoping he doesn’t fall into the river as spasms of pain shoot through his body. I’m the one holding his dark glasses so he can have a normal picture of himself while hoping the earplugs blocking out the sounds don’t show up. I’m the one hoping the smile reaches the eyes in time before the click of the camera happens.

 

But what do you see?

 

Do you get yelled at as you get out of the car because you ‘look’ healthy? Do people stare at you as you shuffle through the store because they think you are on drugs or drunk? Do store employees chuckle when you ask for help as they walk away believing you are in jest?

 

Did you have to spend two hours of pain in a car . . . one way . . . to have your picture taken over a river? Do you have to hear the grinding of neck bones and the snapping and cracking of back bones every time you take a step?

 

Do your fingertips ache and hurt and feel like nails are being hammered into them every time you hit a letter on your keyboard? Is that keyboard your only escape and healing and chance at distraction and happiness? Do you pound the nails deeper or give up happiness?

 

I didn’t write this as a complaint about some of what I go through. I wrote this to show you that you don’t know what is on the inside of a person. I don’t go around wearing my illness and pains on a t-shirt or make it obvious. Just know that when you see people that there is a reason they are the way they are. Maybe it’s not a physical thing, it might be they are shy and don’t want to be bothered. There is a reason for it. Respect it. I walk slower, I move slower, but I ‘look’ healthy. And I am fine with that.

 

 

But here are some things I am not fine with:

  • A relative, knowing about my amnesia telling me to not forget about my family and then saying it was his attempt at a joke.
  • A person assuming that if I build up the courage to ask for help that I am just joking
  • A person assuming seeing me walk upright at a decent pace means I have been faking it
  • A person assuming because I have a blog and type a lot that I must be okay
  • A person assuming that because I can type that I am not exhausted and barely hanging on
  • A person assuming that because I can give words of encouragement and love that I must not feel pain inside
  • A person assuming that because I feel pain inside that I cannot give honest words of encouragement and love

 

Two things made me think to write this, one was a comment recently and the other was a thought I had.

 “Friends may not know who you are, but they’ll never forget who you were.”-Ronovan

 

“The best live among us in disguise.”-Louis Dudek

 

© Copyright-All rights reserved-RonovanWrites.wordpress.com-June 21, 2014.