10 Things: How to Avoid a Vasectomy

 by: Ronovan

So men, she wants you snipped. You are thinking, “Uh uh”. Short of divorce or breaking up with said female desiring the snippage what are you going to do?

 

I came up with 10 things that will help. Some may only work if married because a wife by the point where a vasectomy is an issue is probably at the point of ‘whatever’ when it comes to things you do. Any ladies reading this know what I mean. (Men if your wife or girlfriend ‘likes’ this article, email me for other ideas.)

Some of these are just ways not to have sex and others are ways to make things stop before that “Gorilla Grunt” thing men do. Either way you don’t want to end up with the babies.

 

#10

Whoopi Goldberg Naked

I know it sounds desperate but in all honesty that’ll withdraw the cannons and the . . . umm . . . ammunition very quickly. There is a drawback to this method. Don’t use it too often or every time you start having sex you will start thinking about Whoopi Goldberg and eventually throw Ted Danson in there too. You’ll be impotent for the rest of your life. (Admittedly, in her early career Whoopi had it going on. Just saying.)

 

 

#9

Not ignoring the back pain

This is simple and real one. For years you’ve fought through the pain because, well you know why. But now you have no choice but to admit the weakness. Again, don’t use this too often or you end up at the doctor’s office and going through MRIs and therapy sessions.

 

#8

Not Bathing

This is the easiest for men to do. It’s a natural part of us not to want to bath. If not bathing is not something you want to go through, don’t use the deodorant. After one whiff of you she’ll never want another hamburger from McDonald’s again.

 

#7

Remember

If you have children just remember how many sleepless nights you had and how many times you let that baby barf on you instead of spinning it around to face a room just so it wouldn’t get upset and the carpet didn’t have to be cleaned. What? Am I the only one that did that? There is no experience like the feel of barf on the neck and eyebrows. But the boy didn’t get very upset and he appreciates it now. (Note: This is one way the woman will get you to shower to overcome #8.)

 

 

#6

Bringing out the Handcuffs and the Vaseline

Now for some this might actually backfire, so be careful. If you aren’t really certain then don’t do it. You decide which way would gross her out more; smearing on your own pale paste body or asking her to smear it on herself while you watch. The handcuffs are the scare tactic part to push her over the edge. Understand the downside of this though, she’s going to wonder one of two things; 1) you’ve been watching porn movies or 2) you have lost your freaking mind.

 

Now we enter the Desperate Zone.

Men, only do this if you are willing to live with the results. I will not be held responsible for any attorney’s fees, medical expenses or anything else that comes from these ideas. If explanations are really needed for each of these ideas then you may require some professional help. Just go ahead and have the Vasectomy along with the Psych Ward admittance. Two for one deals are popular even in hospitals these days.

#5

Telling Her Anything is Women’s Work

All men know what this does to a woman. If you don’t then you are a pig and jerk. (Sorry for diverting from the humor.)

 

#4

Insulting her mother

 

Even if she doesn’t like her mother, always remember only she can insult her while you nod for support. You cannot start the insulting . . . unless it’s for very desperate reasons.

 

#3

Discussing your Playboy subscription during Sunday School class at church or in front of any of her friends

 She may not even care that you have a subscription, but she doesn’t want everyone to know it. It makes her feel like either a) there is something wrong with her, or b) like you’re a complete jerk. We all know which one is true.

#2

Talking about how hot her sister/cousin/best friend/or if your girlfriend her daughter is

 Yeah . . . I think the picture speaks for itself on this one.

 

#1

Calling her an ex-girlfriend’s name

 Unless you decide to always date women with the same name, you may end up slipping on this one anyway. But the use of this when the lights go out will result in instant celibacy.

 

I doubt there are any of my Friends reading this that would actually need to use any of these, but I hop you were entertained. And those ladies that may have actually read, men wouldn’t really do this . . . you think?

 

Much Respect

Ronovan

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