For my American friends who have been following the NFL Draft, you might get this. Who knew “never ever” meant “until we needed a good pick”?
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I had some menacing words this week but I thought about it and decided, yes they are menacing. At what could be more menacing than this? For those who may be looking at the Dead Things Taste Good on the fridge? That means all foods. Not just meat. Someone said vegans might get offended. I actually considered that before I wrote those words. I thought it out. I don’t believe we eat anything that is alive. At least I hope I don’t.
A Beast Among Us
Until sated by the bean
Our day is unsafe.
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This could alternately be called Shortened Songs for Today’s kids. I mean seriously, the attention span of kids today is about as long as it takes Mario to die from one of those freaking little turtles…tortoises, whatever the things with shells that walk on land. You tell the video game people they are wrong! Sorry, I had a moment there. Conniptions happen, you know? (You know people really shouldn’t use words they don’t know the meanings of. I am not sure really what a conniption is. Okay I just looked it up. I used it correctly. We’re good to go.)
I like Cheetos
But most of all
Tacos and Burritos
You take me out
To get a little bitty snack
I walk out the door
With a grocery sack
Give me ice cream
And apple pie
Either ala mode
Or two scoops on the side
Oh yeah ice cream
I like candy
A DQ Blizzard
Would be just dandy
I want some Oreos
And some Chips Ahoy
With a big glass of milk
You got a happy boy
Homemade apple strudel
Fresh chocolate ganache
Too much more and I’ll need a stomach pump removal
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We worked on this for quite a bit so please go and check it out.
This is Hugh’s response to a response of a response . . . well you get where I’m going. But his is why I called in Rose & Ghun to take care of him!
1o Things Men Think Women Know About Me
A list of things about what I believe is an easy thing to do. I was challenged by Florence T. to come up with a list of things we think women know about us. I of course never back down from a writing challenge. And yes, ladies, challenge me if you will.
I enjoyed this moment to delve into what I think men might think about this. Being a man it should be easy, but y’all may understand why there may be difficulties at times. These are not what I specifically thing about each subject, but I think people get tired of hearing my personal thoughts about things like this. But without any further rambling and to do, in no particular order but number so I will not get lost I give you . . .
I know much of the above is perhaps just my own opinions and in truth you can even turn some of them around and change the genders, especially with #10. But I accepted the challenge and I put some thought into it. I like to be funny with these lists but I also like there to be truth in each number I give so we can all share and learn. And perhaps even learn we are wrong, both you and me.
For next week each day I think will take Florence T up on the second challenge she offered up.
“Or what could be a ‘perfect’ balance between two persons in a relationship..not talking about equality here… ‘balance’! Did I just take the humor out of your post? Oops! :)”-Florence T
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With the title do I really need to say anything else? Of course I will but do I need to? Nope. I so wish she had a video of herself, that is all I am saying.
I was sittin’ out on thuh front porch ponderin’ sumthin’ fierce. I was wonderin’ how I could batter and fry a hamburger. I had done see one of them there guys on that little talkin’ picture box do it but I weren’t sure iffin’ I was up fer it. Also I was wonderin’ how Britain hadn’t become over popluated after so many centuries of existence with rainy weather. I also wondered if they, meanin’ them British type folks were wantin’ Charles to be king for a day and then hand it over to William or what. Would 007 come out of retirement tuh help Scotland become a nation or whatever is goin’ on? I’m part Scotish an’ need tuh look into that there problem.
That ain’t got nuthin’ tuh do with this story. I took another swig of muh peanuts an’ Coke as sumthin’ strange came flyin’ up thuh driveway an’ landed in thuh front yard next tuh muh car . . . up on cement blocks as I was workin’ tuh git ‘er done fixed up super fancy like.
Then ‘it’ got out of it. I say ‘it’ because at first I didn’t know what ‘it’ was. I was afeerd it might be some alien thuh way it was drivin’ . . . steering wheel on the right. Then I figured out it was a fancy dude with this straw hat thing an’ a blue jacket thing on. The dude put his hands on his hips an’ looked around with a smile on his face, hummin’ some song that sounded kind uh familiar. Then it happened. He started walkin’.
I don’t know quite what that song was in his head but it must uh caused that feller tuh do that spinnin’ dancin’ thing. He spun so faced his straw hat didn’t have time to move. He just spun under it. He turned bright yellow as he did it too. And then he was at muh steps.
“Why hello there,” he said.
“You ain’t from around here is yuh?” I asked.
“How ever could you tell? Was it the steering wheel on the right side? Is it my lovely accent?”
“Nah,” I replied, I weren’t much into talkin’ in person.
“Then please do enlighten me.”
“You spun clockwise durin’ that fancy dance you just did.”
“Oh, dance?” He looked a might bit confused. I could see thuh cylinders doin’ there work inside his head an’ then thuh light bulb went off. “You mean my walk? You are such a funny man.” He looked at my car. “Quite a nice banger you have there.”
I kind uh just went with it at that point. “Thanks.” I heard thuh word nice so figured it was a good thing he done said. “Well I reckon you ain’t here on purpose, so what you want?”
“I am lookin’ fer, I mean looking for, heavens your accent is certainly very Southern American, anyway I am visiting here and was watching the Beeb while bone-idle I saw a program about people and their bits and bobs and was inspired to venture out into the countryside to see what I could see. I was doing quite well but I first was nearly run off the carriageway by a brute in an artic and then I became trapped behind a caravan. Now I am desperate to find a chip shop and a chemist.”
And stared some more.
He was rubbin’ his hind parts so I reckoned the chemist might have meant doctor for some hind parts problem. Thuh Sip n’ Dip Quick Stop had a lot of chips so I thought I might could help him out.
I stood up an’ walked down into thuh yard. The lose board almost got me again but I won this time. I rubbed my fingers across thuh stubble of my face and rubbed my belly as I ciphered out what tuh do.
“Now you first gotta go out back thuh way you came up thuh driveway an’ then take a left on to thuh road. You’ll pass thuh old bait shop on yer right but it’s closed now. Keep goin’ and you’ll come to a roundabout they put in not long ago. You just keep movin’ if their ain’t nobody a comin’ or you git their first. Just go counterclockwise. Then when thuh road deadends you’ll come out on thuh highway. Take a right and head on fer about 5 miles an’ you’ll come to a big building on yer right. Go inside and you’ll be on thuh ground floor. When you get in the elevator you’ll know you done got it right cause the G will light up and the little light will come on next to the silver button with a G on it. Go up to the first floor by pushin’ that 1 button. Lady right there will help you out for sure.”
He was starin’ at me.
“You have roundabouts?”
“Yeah, just stay to thuh right and won’t be wrong. I always wondered about that counterclockwise thing but I reckon it must be somthin’ about everything being about entering buildings through thuh right doors and exiting through thuh lefts, so they do the same with the roundabouts an’ roads.”
“And ground floors?”
“Well they on thuh ground ain’t they? What do ya’ call ‘em where you come from?”
“I bet if someone called ’em uh first floor that sure would send you off on a hunt. An’ I almost fergot that chip place you can find along thuh way too.”
“Thank you so very much.” With a twirl he was off, humming his way back into his car and disappearing down the driveway.
Grandma came out. “What was that?”
“Guy from Boston looking for directions.”
“I heard you give him directions to the hospital but why did you send him up to the psychiatric ward.”
“Grandma, I figured they would either be able to figure out what he done said, or know what tuh do with him one.”
“Ronovan, you’ve been in the sun a while, have you burned?”
I slid my foot out of my flip flop and pulled down the sock. “Does look a might pink compared tuh the catfish belly white, don’t it?”
“You get in the house.”
I need me one of them over the pond type folks to answer muh questions. Heard tell there was uh guy named Hugh that might be able tuh help out. I wonder if they want Pippa to marry Harry, and would that make her Princess Pippa? Anyways, maybe that Hugh guy can tell us somethin’.
I Reckon That’s All
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Did you ever wonder?
Very likely your answer to that question is yes. If not perhaps you will now wonder why I thought it should be. So now that we have all wondered about something, let us continue.
It was about 10 PM one night recently and I suddenly started thinking in British. And oddly ‘Venus’ by Bananarama was running through my brain. And I started this crazy dance without any reason at all. I felt like I was in stand up spin cycle washing machine or something.
Have you ever had that happen to you? No . . . well of late it happens to me quite often. Fortunately I was able to get out of my bubble bath but had to skip the Super Walmart excursion as my socks were not clean anyway and I hate the way my sandals feel on my bare feet. You know that sweaty icky feeling. If rubber then you wonder if some jelly baby is sucking at your feet, if leather than the cow is attempting to become a symbiote with your toes to live again. Yes, these thoughts do run through my mind. And really why DOES a nose run and feet smell? And what happens when the nose runs and meets the smelling feet? I need to know before 3 AM when I go to sleep.
No, that is not why I am dragging you through my quaint little village of a blog. My suddenly British thinking mind has questions.
Why are French Fries called chips in Britain? Is it xenophobia against the French? Is there a ban on using anything that sounds unhealthily like the word fry? Why not Fish and Fries? In Britain when making fried chicken is it called chipped chicken? When ordering at McDonald’s does the person taking said order ask if you would like chips with that?
And I know you know I must ask about the cookies being called biscuits. Need I really go into this? Does Ernie the Keebler Elf talk about chocolate chip biscuits? And I am still wondering about the dipping the cookie biscuit in tea. I don’t understand. And why would you drink something called Grey? Have you not read the books? You might catch 50 Shades of an STD.
Now for the really odd question burning in my brain; why the wrong side of the road driving? Are all people in Britain left handed? Are you not afraid that you will shift gears in a zig zag formation and around the world snap? I mean really people, what is . . . the . . .deal? Oh I know, perhaps Britain is where all of the mail carriers in America secretly come from. I mean why else would they have those jeeps with the wheel switched over in order to reach the mailbox? Oh, and what do they do in Britain? Do they move the wheel to the left side of the vehicle for mail carriers?
And now finally, Blood Sausage, what? I cannot fathom the mind that thought “Let us name this meaty type thing blood so people will love it”. Why? I really do ask why?
I will not ask about Piers Morgan and why you sent him here. Perhaps it was a secret plan for a new invasion. And why is he named after a place where sailors gather? Hmm? Do you know? Piers, you can tell us.
I leave you with this and perhaps anyone
English British will have it running through their heads the rest of the day. And perhaps my friend Hugh of Hugh’s News and Views would be able to answer these questions . . . that is when he is not dunking cookies in 50 Shades of STDs.
2014 © Copyright-All rights reserved-RonovanWrites.wordpress.com
Saw this earlier in the week and made note to share it with everyone on Female Focus Friday here on RonovanWrites. The lady has a hilarious style and some real advice men should take. Honestly guys, if your love life is suffering read this and maybe it will give you some ideas.
What better way to announce my next Blogger Interview than to give you a taste of him? So have a taste of Hugh’s Views & News and his thoughts on Summer and BBQ. Pass me the ribs and sausages.
Florence T. paid me a great compliment by doing her own “10 Things” on Friday. After having some fun answering my ‘10 Things I Just Need to Know About . . . Women‘ she came up with her own ‘10 Things I want to know…about men‘.
Here are my answers to those questions. If you want to know the questions then please visit Florence T and her article.
I love to cook so, let me see. Um . . . let’s see men like all balls of all colors. They even like smooth ones or fuzzy ones. If they see them they must have them. They are like a laser pointer to a cat.
We like to watch other men with balls but we think we know about how to use them better than those who get paid for it.
Men just naturally want it long I guess. They like the way it feels and lays there enticingly.
(I just had to use this one. It might not be about the question but it is just so . . . ow.)
I don’t mind a woman in control. She knows, so tell me what to do and where to go otherwise she gets frustrated and then there is no fun for anyone. But I know some men just don’t get it . . . even when told.
Hmm . . . one word . . .sex.
(Yeah, I changed the name of this one to “dog” slap in my files.)
We like it to feel good inside not just look good.
Maybe it has to do with answers to #1 and #2.
It is great four letter word. It’s one of my favorites too. And I am glad you think it’s sexy. I guess some men just think it’s just not a very masculine thing and other men would use it as a sign of weakness when applied.
I think you are right about this especially the anger and lust being the man ones. But answer #3 relates to this. If we used it any other way then we would be called that four letter word.
Yes. I think we would love to. Just putting it all out there for everyone to see would make everyone better off and make it a healthier world.
There you have it. Now go check out ‘10 things I want to know . . .about men‘ from Florence T.
2014 © Copyright-All rights reserved-RonovanWrites.wordpress.com.
You’re on a date and you are stressed beyond belief. It’s like that first time and you just have no idea what’s going to happen. You just keep praying that you don’t do anything . . . stupid.
Stupid around my house is a bad word. We say silly instead. But really one word is as bad as another if you know what it is supposed to really stand for. No freakin’ way will I say that crap word again.
Anyway, for a guy what can you do that’s so bad on a first date, or really any date for that matter, but that first date is the one you have to impress. The rest of your time with her she realizes you’re a guy and you do guy things, so you get a pass card. And no I don’t mean that kind of pass . . . or that one either. Eww.
What do we fear?
The dreaded stains,
That cause you chest pains.
You have options here men.
• Date only in winter and never wear a coat, jacket, or sweater
• Duct tape bath clothes to your pits
• Or be sensible and wear a t-shirt
But the truth is, none of those ideas occur to us until it’s the end of July and we’re standing outside her door and that trickle starts down the back of the neck. You just know what’s going to be next. Back sweats? Okay you can get away with that, she’ll understand. But then you drive and move your arm and the air hits and . . . you know it has happened.
That freezing cold feeling hits that damp pit cloth of the shirt and you begin to sweat more and wonder if she would question stopping at a local Quik Trip convenience store while you air dry your pits with the hand dryer in the restroom. Then you begin to worry she thinks you have other problems.
You leave the house and you are like, “It’s all good.” Then you start singing to the radio. Something begins to smell.
You’re at her driveway. She’s sitting on the porch swing and sees you. You have no way out. You pull in and scrounge for anything.
And then you find it, that melted plastic wrapped piece of peppermint candy that is now pink from where the food coloring has fun together from who knows how many years of living in the cup holder under that Taco Bell napkin.
The plastic will not release. She’s stopped swinging and now is staring. Yes, you do it. In goes the candy, plastic and all and you . . . chew. You have to get out of the car because she’s coming. She’s worried about you. Oh no, you can’t get rid of the plastic or she’ll see and then your hands are covered in sticky 3,000 year old candy sugar.
Yep, you swallow the plastic.
It happens to everyone, even her. But men, you know it’s going to happen on that date.
You can even feel it happening. The tickle starts. You breathe and hear that slight noise and feel it moving.
You start breathing through your mouth slightly. But then she’ll think you’re a mouth breather. You try for the distraction and the big sniff to move that thing up. Or maybe you find a way to rub your nose in the hopes of it settling into place.
Then one of two things happens. You’re in the moment, the kiss could happen. She has those melt you in your shoes eyes looking up at you and her eyes go from yours to your lips then . . . you got it. Her eyes moves slightly upward as the bat begins to say hello.
Is that the worst thing? Nope. Same situation and then Bat Cave Bomb Away, you got it, the boogie done left the building and it only has one place to go.
Related to the Bat Cave situation are the Nasal Follicles.
I know the Good Lord designed them to help us out, after all if not for them all those Bats in the Cave matter would be in our lungs, but for goodness sake, trim the vines before the date.
Men if you are headed to the date and you are in your car, look in the mirror. No, you don’t have the nose hair trimmers with you. Yes ladies, we do have those. Mine are burgundy. Now guys if you look in the mirror and see Tarzan swinging it’s desperate measure time.
Yes, you have to pull them out. I heard the ouch. I feel your pain. Seriously, I’ve been there. Just go for it and yank Tarzan and Cheetah both out and hope the tears are gone before you get to Jane.
Well men we finally come to the most dreaded one of all. All the others we can try to avoid and take care of. But when it comes to the body odor, well, what can I say? It stinks.
Some men keep deodorant in their car. Nice. Some even keep cologne. Not going to work. If you are like most men, you’re in trouble.
There are four options available at this point if you are in her driveway:
1. Grab the jacket in the back seat and wear it all night, even in late July at the ball game. Yeah, Pit Sweats combined with the B.O Bomb. Nice. Then you begin breathing heavy and the plastic peppermint quits working and you feel that piece of plastic still stuck in your teeth.
2. The car deodorizer might work. Chemical hazard? Yes. Worth a kiss on the first date? Yep.
3. Asking to borrow her bathroom and using her deodorant. It’s one way to be sure but you better keep it a secret.
4. Keep as far apart from her as you think is the safe smell limit. One problem with this is . . . no second date. You can either get close and get the rep as Señor Stinko with all of her friends who you also know, or become known as General Germaphobia. Take your pick.
Well, there you have them, and that’s just 5 of our fears. You didn’t know we had them, did you ladies? You thought our only worries were how expensive you were going to order and if we were going to get to first base or farther. Oh, and some of you men didn’t know you had to worry about all of that? Welcome to reality.
If you really want something that will freak you out, and this really happened, check out “When toots let loose. . . “ or what I call “A College Girls Gas Confession” at my fellow blogger’s site A College Girl’s Confessions. I swear, I’m not making this up.
Apparently Hygiene Deficient Ronovan
1st Image Credit: gettyimages© Original Photo by Laurence Monneret/The Image Bank
2nd Image Credit: gettyimages© Original Photo by Don Bayley/E+
4th Image Credit: gettyimages© Original Photo by sturti-E+ Man
5th Image Credit: gettyimages© Original Photo by Don Bayley/Vetta Man
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10 Things: How to Avoid a Vasectomy
So men, she wants you snipped. You are thinking, “Uh uh”. Short of divorce or breaking up with said female desiring the snippage what are you going to do?
I came up with 10 things that will help. Some may only work if married because a wife by the point where a vasectomy is an issue is probably at the point of ‘whatever’ when it comes to things you do. Any ladies reading this know what I mean. (Men if your wife or girlfriend ‘likes’ this article, email me for other ideas.)
Some of these are just ways not to have sex and others are ways to make things stop before that “Gorilla Grunt” thing men do. Either way you don’t want to end up with the babies.
Whoopi Goldberg Naked
I know it sounds desperate but in all honesty that’ll withdraw the cannons and the . . . umm . . . ammunition very quickly. There is a drawback to this method. Don’t use it too often or every time you start having sex you will start thinking about Whoopi Goldberg and eventually throw Ted Danson in there too. You’ll be impotent for the rest of your life. (Admittedly, in her early career Whoopi had it going on. Just saying.)
Not ignoring the back pain
This is simple and real one. For years you’ve fought through the pain because, well you know why. But now you have no choice but to admit the weakness. Again, don’t use this too often or you end up at the doctor’s office and going through MRIs and therapy sessions.
This is the easiest for men to do. It’s a natural part of us not to want to bath. If not bathing is not something you want to go through, don’t use the deodorant. After one whiff of you she’ll never want another hamburger from McDonald’s again.
If you have children just remember how many sleepless nights you had and how many times you let that baby barf on you instead of spinning it around to face a room just so it wouldn’t get upset and the carpet didn’t have to be cleaned. What? Am I the only one that did that? There is no experience like the feel of barf on the neck and eyebrows. But the boy didn’t get very upset and he appreciates it now. (Note: This is one way the woman will get you to shower to overcome #8.)
Bringing out the Handcuffs and the Vaseline
Now for some this might actually backfire, so be careful. If you aren’t really certain then don’t do it. You decide which way would gross her out more; smearing on your own pale paste body or asking her to smear it on herself while you watch. The handcuffs are the scare tactic part to push her over the edge. Understand the downside of this though, she’s going to wonder one of two things; 1) you’ve been watching porn movies or 2) you have lost your freaking mind.
Now we enter the Desperate Zone.
Men, only do this if you are willing to live with the results. I will not be held responsible for any attorney’s fees, medical expenses or anything else that comes from these ideas. If explanations are really needed for each of these ideas then you may require some professional help. Just go ahead and have the Vasectomy along with the Psych Ward admittance. Two for one deals are popular even in hospitals these days.
Telling Her Anything is Women’s Work
All men know what this does to a woman. If you don’t then you are a pig and jerk. (Sorry for diverting from the humor.)
Insulting her mother
Even if she doesn’t like her mother, always remember only she can insult her while you nod for support. You cannot start the insulting . . . unless it’s for very desperate reasons.
Discussing your Playboy subscription during Sunday School class at church or in front of any of her friends
She may not even care that you have a subscription, but she doesn’t want everyone to know it. It makes her feel like either a) there is something wrong with her, or b) like you’re a complete jerk. We all know which one is true.
Talking about how hot her sister/cousin/best friend/or if your girlfriend her daughter is
Yeah . . . I think the picture speaks for itself on this one.
Calling her an ex-girlfriend’s name
Unless you decide to always date women with the same name, you may end up slipping on this one anyway. But the use of this when the lights go out will result in instant celibacy.
I doubt there are any of my Friends reading this that would actually need to use any of these, but I hop you were entertained. And those ladies that may have actually read, men wouldn’t really do this . . . you think?
Copyright-All rights reserved-©RonovanWrites.wordpress.com-June 29, 2014.
Nishi is really expanding on her writing and blogging style. That ‘My Best Friend’ about broke my heart, and now she nails the man woman relationship in the technological age.
You have to check it out and let her know how great she’s doing. 🙂 Although I don’t need any further writing competition around here. Never mind!
“Hey, what are you doing?” he asked
“Cooking” she said
“Are you watching that show on your iPad?”
“Hmm.. yes” she said
“Why cant you just do one thing at a time?”
“Because I CAN do both” she said
“Whatever” he said dismissively
“What are you doing?” she asked
“Working” he said
“And your headphones?”she asked
“What about them?
“They’re in your ear”
“Im listening to music” he said
“Let me see… and Facebooks open..”she said peering into the laptop screen
“I rest my case”
Word of Warning: Never text and drive.
Men get away with . . . NOTHING!
Men, we think we have them snowed. You know all of our little ways of doing things, but we don’t. Nope. Women know. They know when you’re walking through the store and you shake that leg trying to get a muscle cramp out that you’re either a) trying to get the underwear back in place, or b) trying to get some other things in place.
Don’t yell men. I’m not giving away trade secrets. I haven’t given out the secret handshake yet.
But men, it’s time to give up the delusions.
Here are 5 things women know we’re doing:
You’re not scratching your nose or rubbing your nose. No matter how fast you do it they see the thumb slip inside that nostril. They know.
They know you aren’t behind a car with some faulty exhaust system when the smell hits after Taco Bell. Next time just the Tacos and not the additional Nachos Belle Grande.
You don’t check for your wallet that many times. They know you’re scratching your butt.
They know you are going to check out the waitress. You know you are going to check out the waitress. DON’T check out the waitress. And yes that means the other waitress a few booths behind the woman you are with that you are checking out while you pretend to be thinking about a question your lady asked you. We’re not that deep.
They know what the word ‘fine’ means. They know it doesn’t mean yes. It means the same as ‘whatever’. In other words they know that you don’t want to do whatever it is but you are agreeing to it just so they will stop talking about it.
Life could be so much simpler, guys. I don’t really know how, but it could. Yes, the nose hair causes things to itch. Trim it. Tacos? Take something ahead of time or eat less than some small states. Butt itch? Use some powder or lotion. Waitress checking? Stare at the table or your woman. The word ‘fine’? Well there’s no solution to that one. No matter what we come up with they’ll just know.
Until next time, peace out and don’t pretend to stretch so you can smell if you forgot deodorant . . . or need it.
© Copyright-All rights reserved-RonovanWrites©.wordpress.com-June 24, 2014.
Things in My Inbox
I DON’T need Viagra! Men, and women too, how many of you have the Viagra emails pop up in the old inbox almost daily?
Not many things really annoy me but I have to say those spam junk mail emails are thorns in my thighs.
And it’s not JUST the Viagra emails. I do kind of wonder if my doctor has been sharing information though.
I have no idea who Adrianne or whatever the name is from facebook that misses me and wants to share a picture but sorry, I’m not going there.
Fake Rolex? I don’t have the time for it.
Eharmony? Say what? You’re singing the wrong tune.
No, I don’t need Ink Cartridges. You send me an email about ink cartridges? Send me a letter showing me why I need ink. Really, marketing much?
And no, I don’t need to view profiles of singles in my area. I know who they are and I know why they are single. It’s not that big of an areas!
What do I want?
How about helpful writing tips from those things I signed up for that only send me things to buy?
How about a Happy Birthday message from a friend rather than your insurance agent?
How about inspiring daily scriptures I signed up for instead of the buy these DVDs?
How about a free milkshake at Arby’s without having to buy a meal?
How about . . . just a kind word?
© Copyright-All rights reserved-RonovanWrites©.wordpress.com-June 24, 2014.