A little Monday Monty Python for you and you and you and you and you. (Singing those for yous to the whistling portion of Always Look On The Bright Side of Life.)
humour
I found my voice . . .
“As a writer, I like to say I have found my voice since writing hundreds of articles. I now frequently receive mail wishing for me to find laryngitis”-Ronovan
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When Ronovan Met Miss Maple (on Skype) – Part 3
Read Hugh’s Latest in the mystery of Grammar Black Market.
Where does Hugh end up?
What is it with him and Oreos anyway?
Read now before the next installment later today here on RonovanWrites with
Part 2 The L.A.W. Comes to Town: A Kiss is Just a Kiss
The case of the disappearing
H
G
H
What’s THAT doing in my in box? Viewer Discretion is Advised.
I don’t want anything violating my ‘in box’ unless it has my permission to do so. I am more the one venturing out into in boxes type of person. Not going to apologize for it. It’s the way I’ve always been.
Think about if something just showed up there one day without you even knowing it was coming. Wouldn’t that upset you? There you are, minding your own business and suddenly your warning goes off that there it is. There is this strange meat thing in your in box.
Did you know that Spam stands for Spiced Ham? Well that’s one definition of it. There is another definition that comes from Monty Python where Spam kept showing up in all of the food on the menu and even in a news report. And now you know why those unwanted things in your email are called Spam. I’m serious, that is where the name for email spam comes from.
I get a certain kind of Spam in my in box. No, sorry, no spiced meat here, just unwanted email. A little spiced meat is good every now and then, right? Sometimes a lot of spice meat is amazing. Makes the body feel good.
(Thank you Hugh for clue me into this saying.)
Now I somehow wonder if the sort of spam I receive is all connected and if they have access to my medical records because these spam people know way too much about my needs medical history.
I really have no idea how things happen. Back in the old days when everyone used to have these things called mail boxes you would get junk mail and it would be things for sell and advertisements that were at least half way possibly could be useful. And best of all? They were appropriate for all viewing audiences. An aside for a moment, have you ever considered how to say ‘advertisement’? When I say it out loud I say ad ver tize ment, but when reading I say ad ver tis ment. Sorry for that, just popped to mind. Remember, unedited and this is a good day.
Then Al Gore invented the internet.
Now I enter the email zone.
I have no idea how some of these ended up with me but I wonder if they are all connected somehow. Yes some do end up in the spam box and not the in box before any over smarty types attempt to tell me how to keep this from happening but it’s still in my email so get a life and don’t be so OCD about things.
(I have a real image for that one but I think I might get in trouble if I shared it.)
Did I vent much there? Perhaps there is a tech person in my life that drives me insane. Just saying. Don’t worry, unless the title sounds like I’m suicidal they don’t read these things. You think I jest?
But see if you see a connection with these gems that I receive multiple times and then tell me if I should be talking to my doctor about his selling information or not. These are the actual titles of the emails.
Dr. Oz endorses Forskolin burn fat quicker, eat this, never diet again
I’m Fat!?!
Yeah, well, aren’t we all for the most part. Well most of my parts are. Hmm . . . that sounded kind of wrong, didn’t it? But I’m leaving it in anyway. Today Ronovan is venting and unedited. Where is that tea?
Yes, I lost 70 pounds in less than six months and need to lose some more, but is that a reason to just send me nasty emails about it? And that name, Forskolin, I swear if you combine it with my other spam mail it just sounds WRONG! You don’t think so? Just you wait.
Twitter-Adriana has found me there too
No that’s not the title of the email but I didn’t really want Hey big Stud to become my new nickname here in Blog World.
You all might remember Adriana from my last In Box rant. She has been after me in my email as though being from facebook. Apparently she has decided to get to me through Twitter now. She must be into role playing and dress up because each time she sends an email her description keeps changing. Sounds interesting but kind of scares me. One day I might open one of those emails, but for now I just see that little preview thingy. The words, people, the words!
Match.com Partner View Photos of Singles on Match.com for Free
I guess somehow people know Adriana is not making any headway with me. So now I have the singles services calling. I can bet you see a major problem with my receiving a singles ad. Hey, it’s a free world, do what you like, I ain’t a judger or fudger. (That’s a reference to my Sunday Thoughts message called Sex and Hell, if anyone was wondering. A judger is a person that judges others and a fudger is a person that fudges scripture to make it mean what they want it to.) Some couples even have that open thing going on or whatever the situations are.
SIZE MATTERS AS SEEN ON TV –PENIS ENLARGEMENT
I don’t watch TV. I’m serious, the most I watch is about 10 minutes with my son ‘B’ in the mornings while he eats breakfast before school. It makes me wonder where this is shown on TV. And really, I think I need to talk to my doctor about a file leak in his office.
Only losers have tiny weeners-stop being a loser Dr. MAXMAN
Okay now the first one didn’t get me so they sent in this guy, another doctor no less. I’m not sure what the size of hotdogs has to do with success but if Dr. Oz wants me to lose weight then I don’t understand why this guy was sent after me. But I would think tiny portions of sausages and losing is what a doctor would want.
Request Spank me: I’m waiting for you on my bed Adriana
Yep, there she is again. Adriana now has made a request. I’m not sure what she did wrong but apparently she wants punished. It makes me wonder how old she is if spanking is a form of correction. Maybe just putting her in time out would work. That could explain the dress up and role playing things she has going. Maybe she is just trying to set up a play date.
3+ Inches Today Be the most confident man in town
Okay, I get this one. It does make since. The more inches you have the more confident you might feel. I’m over 6 feet tall so another 3 inches would make me even taller and stand above the crowd even more. Tall can mean confident.
Enlarger Pills May your dreams of a big schlong come true
I’m not really sure what this one is. I haven’t been to a delicatessen in years.
Dr. Maxman Harder erections, she will feel it, Rwherse
Okay so apparently this doctor has changed from dealing with weight issues to sexual problems. I really need to talk to my doctor about that leak in his office. One thing this doctor doesn’t understand. It doesn’t matter what his program for this is, I still have a 10 year old gifted child running around. What makes you think I want a cure? If you don’t understand that, then you don’ t know what either a) having a 10 year old boy is like, b) what having a gifted child can be like, or c) haven’t had the two combined into one boy.
Ladies pardon me for a moment, please turn away for about 5 seconds and then skip to the next bold text.
Men if you are having erections and needing help for her to feel them . . . I don’t think harder is your answer.
Okay ladies. we’re back.
Now do you see why the Dr. Oz endorsing Forskolin just sounded wrong to me?
So you might see my concern about my doctor, right? Weight loss and that other problem or problems.
You can use spam filters to help you keep these nasty little things away but really there is only one thing to do. This man stole the method from us Southern type folks.
What’s in YOUR in box? Let us know, leave a comment. Is Adriana asking you for a play date too?
Happy Spam Hunting
Ronovan
More tea vicar tea cosy from pinterest.com
Al Gore image by from cheezburger.com
Animated gifs from giphy.com
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FemaleFocusFriday: What I NEED to know about ROMANCE from WOMEN!
Oh Laaaadies! Holla if ya heeeeaaarrrr meee!
I have no idea why I did that but it just came to mind as I started to type. Could you imagine living with me never knowing what to expect next? I’ve asked a range of advice questions for y’all before on some many things but today . . . a rarity is occurring. Ronovan . . . is . . .
. . . focusing.
How to ask you Out In Person, Phone Call, or Text Message
That’s right ladies it’s
ROMANCE DAY!!!!
(Yes I can feel the sizzle now. And strangely I like it. Who brought jumper cables?)
Oh yeah, focus, Ronovan . . . focus. Be the romance to be the romance. Philosophically that makes sense to me but in print it looks rather odd. Much like my photo. Hmm. Oh yeah, focus. So in person, on the phone or . . . yeah Kelly done told us about the third one.
I just want to make it clear that I obviously don’t really need help in this area, ahem, but my men friends might appreciate some advice.
Blue Jeans or Slacks/Pants or Saggin’ & Draggin’
What do you want your date to dress in? I know, I know, you’re going to say it depends if you are going to a rodeo or some other place. Let’s pick some other place for this. No Bostonian leather shoes and double breasted suit at the poop palooza. You don’t want to be seen with a dork. I get it. Okay so I know which one you might do away with automatically. Unless the mood is a bit other than romantic and well . . .
Natural Musk, Cologne, or Duck Commander Date Repellent
You know, it’s a difficult question for us. Seriously. What if you are allergic or asthmatic? What if and what if? We don’t want to be in the middle of a date and have to rush you to an emergency room, that would just waste of the all you can eat taco buffet at the Huddle House Mexican Night. I am guessing here, just guessing which one you would say no to.
(And if anyone knows of an all you can eat Taco Mexican Night at Huddle House, please let me know. I can get frog legs at the local convenience store. I kid you not.)
Flowers or Nothing or What
Maybe it’s an old fashion thing to ask, but what would you call Romantic or even would like to see happen? We might think of flowers and then freeze at the thought you might be allergic or hate the flowers we pick out. Then if we bring nothing do we look like a cheapskate? Then what if we brought some alternatives? Like maybe a cat toy?
Car, Truck, or Something Else
Now when considering this you need to consider other options like where you want to go on the date and do you want to climb up in the muck hauler or ride in the over compensating mobile or do you want to get a work out in the something else? Considering the attention some women put on calorie intake I am not certain about discounting number three, if it were disguised perhaps as as pedal car.
Candle Lit Dinner or Picnic in the Park or Do Ya Want Fries Wid Dat
Now that is unless he’s dead broke, it’s the anniversary of your first date ever and he’s recreating it, or you just don’t care and want to be with each other because that’s where the true romance is at. Taco Bell served me well in those early days. I think I know we can probably rule out number three as being Romantic. See even that guy agrees.
Dancing, No Dancing or Whatever
This one might be a little difficult because of various situations. For one, even if women can’t dance they can dance. But men when they dance, well. They think they dance like this . . .
But in reality dance like this . . .
Kiss Good Night, Hand Shake, Or Something Else
We have come to the end of the evening, I know . . . I know . . . there are some steps missing like a stroll along aromantically lit street that seems to transport you back in time, or a classic movie being shown special on the big screen, or a concert that is difficult to ge t tickets for. Then of course perhaps coffee or something and the ride home.
Now we come to the second most important moment of the second most important moment of the night. The kiss . . . oh the most important? Well how to handle going to the potty, especially if it’s number 2. How romantic is that? But you asked.
There are people out there who still live with their parents. It doesn’t matter what age the dat eis, they live at home for some reason. A kiss? Okay, a soft, tender but intent kiss is a good start if you mean it. Or a lingering gentle hand shake, bu the there is the one that probably mean can relate to . . . The father inquisition . . .
Men need to know what you expect. It would be nice if their were a manual but so many of you are different. So I want to hear from you. I mean I reiterate that I PERSONALLY don’t need in the help in the romance department if you know what I mean but there are some out there that do. What are your answers? We NEED to KNOW!!!!
Cause all I got are . . .
Much Respect
Romance Man
Ronovan
(Yeah, I could have given the guys the word but you know, I can’t be sharin’ my secrets. Anyone seen my Atari 2600 Joy Stick? It’s my turn to play Frogger. Freakin’ Alligator.)
2014 © Copyright-All rights reserved by ronovanwrites.wordpress.com
Hugh is Disappearing! What does Ronovan Do?: The LAW comes to town.
To come in at the beginning, although it’s not a must you might want to start with:
When Ronovan Met Miss Maple (On Skype) Part 1 – A Response to Ronovan at Ronovan Writes
By Hugh Roberts of Hugh’s Views & News
And then my part in response to him:
Extra! Extra! Rose & Ghun Bust Hugh Roberts For Letter Hoarding!
I was rubbing my eyes from lack of sleep when Miss Maypole blurted out we were losing Hugh. When I looked back to the screen they had disconnected. I guess they were getting in touch with that Eloise Mellow person.
Losing Hugh was not really a pleasing idea. I still had his different hats he sent me for my son B’s school project. Hugh had seemed very fond of the Native American war bonnet. Sometimes I just didn’t ask. I had already seen Hugh dancing and the imagery was too vivid to go there. I had seen his anxious look when he saw the hats earlier.
Plus I had to admit, Hugh was a sexy man. (Did I say that out loud or was that a thought? It’s fine, I’m in touch with my masculinity and that other side of me. Brad Pitt’s hot and so is that Robert Downey Iron Man dude in a Weird Science kind of way.)
I did what I had to do, I flipped open my battered blue cased cell and hit the last number dialed. (Yes, I said flipped opened.)
“Ron, we’re already out of town,” said Rose.
“I know but things are getting worse. They tell me my h’s are missing now and if something isn’t done Hugh will disappear.”
There was silence for a moment on the other end of the line. Then I heard a lot of noise, a few screams, and possibly what I would have sworn was a grown man begging. “Ron, sorry but we can’t help you this time. We’re kind of busy. Call the LAW,” said Rose.
“LAW?” I asked. “The police?”
“No, the LAW, League of Awesome Women and they should be able to handle this. Listen, I’ll give them a call and they’ll be in contact with y . . . Ghun! Get him! Nooo not on the leather seats. Blood gets in the seams. Aw . . . man.” The phone went silent.
I held the phone frozen in place, wondering what I was getting into. LAW, Grammar Black Market, and I had to worry about sending Hugh back his Village People props, he had said something about doing a mix called Rocky Horror Village Show. I didn’t ask. I had seen his concern about the hats though. They had come in handy for the History of America project B had at school. I still wonder where he got the Native American headdress from. I was 1/8 Native American and didn’t have any Native American things.
The knock on the door about made me jump as I was wondering if Rose and Ghun would ever get married. Yes, I really am that random with thoughts. Since they had only known each other a few months I wasn’t sure where it would go, what with her aunt having been his old girlfriend . . . I barely had the door open when the group of hair and perfume shoved their way into my house. Okay actually not so much hair, but someone smelled of vanilla.
“Umm
, yeah,” I managed. The presence of actual women skeered me something fierce. At least Rose had been here with Ghun.
Before I knew it 
women were rummaging through my drawers everywhere. Then it suddenly dawned on me that these were some of my online Blog World friends.
Amira & Elena Makansi the Authors of The Sowing, Kate of Dazzling Whimsy, Cat of Obscured Dreamer, and Jenna of Jen’s Pen Den. It was major freak out time for me.
They were secretly part of some super smarticles group. Oh, no. They now knew how I lived. My secrets were out. The would know I blogged in underwear and ate Pringles by the cans each day along with 2 liter bottles of grape soda.
Wait, that’s not me. That must be some other blogger.
“Oh and it looks like they have it out for Hugh. The letters in his name are 
the ones that are missing,” I said. I couldn’t look at their faces and Jenna was still red. I was trying to remember what was in my room. Then I 
remembered my laptop and the screen saver. I died a little bit more.
That’s when it hit me, and I saw a look cross Elena’s face as well.
Could we both be thinking of the same person? . . . to be continued.
2014 © Copyright-All rights reserved by ronovanwrites.wordpress.com
Next Stop:
When Ronovan Met Miss Maple (on Skype) – Part 3
By Hugh Roberts of Hugh’s Views & News
When Ronovan Met Miss Maple (on Skype) – Part 2
Read Hugh’s most recent episode of our ongoing mystery. Then read mine tomorrow! I can’t guarantee it will be good, but I will say this . . . it’s different. muahahahahahaaha And just who is The L.A.W.?
Much Respect and Love to Y’all
Ronovan
When Ronovan Met Miss Maple (On Skype) Part 1 – A Response to Ronovan at Ronovan Writes
This is Hugh’s response to a response of a response . . . well you get where I’m going. But his is why I called in Rose & Ghun to take care of him!
10 Things Men Think Women Think They MUST Know About Men
1o Things Men Think Women Know About Me
A list of things about what I believe is an easy thing to do. I was challenged by Florence T. to come up with a list of things we think women know about us. I of course never back down from a writing challenge. And yes, ladies, challenge me if you will.
I enjoyed this moment to delve into what I think men might think about this. Being a man it should be easy, but y’all may understand why there may be difficulties at times. These are not what I specifically thing about each subject, but I think people get tired of hearing my personal thoughts about things like this. But without any further rambling and to do, in no particular order but number so I will not get lost I give you . . .
10 Things Men Think Women Think They MUST Know About Men
#1
What they MUST know:
We ignore them EVERY time they talk unless the word SEX is mentioned.
Truth:
We don’t ignore. We are simply selective in what we acknowledge in having heard. Society has given us a way out. We are portrayed as buffoons on TV and in movies. We do not like this image but if we must suffer through it, then we will take advantage of it. And no, SEX is not the ONLY thing we acknowledge, Hamburgers, Nachos, Tacos, Pizza, and Steak also are worthy. And even for some none of these words will work.
#2
What they MUST know:
We like women wearing tight fitting clothing or see through clothing.
Truth:
There is a rare occasion that tight fitting clothing is something we prefer to see women in. I see women wearing things so tight that I wonder how blood circulates. Very few of them should have stepped out in this attire in the first place as the sizes are not only tight, but perhaps two sizes too small. As for the see through attire? We can see more going to a restaurant or walking through any Walmart. Style, grace, a nice fit, and something hinting at what is beneath are far more appealing. Hinting by the nice fit and the moving of the body under the material.
#3
What they MUST know:
We are Cuddling Machines.
Truth:
We are not Cuddling Machines. Yes we do like to snuggle and cuddle at times, but this is referring to the after SEX moments. For me it is a fortunate thing if the blood pressure is not so great that my arteries do not scream at me. Muscles are trembling and every part of my body is aching from use. It has been the most enjoyable and most excruciating 5 minutes of my life. I cannot cuddle.
#4
What they MUST know:
We want to be examples of perfect health.
Truth:
We like salads. We like the grilled salmon over the fried oysters. Both of these statements are sometimes statements. As Cookie Monster says, “C is for Cookie and that’s good enough for me”. And to paraphrase what society has forced him to say, “Cauliflower is a sometimes food”. If you need more clarification please see the end of #1.
#5
What they MUST know:
We want our foods perfectly organized on our plates . . . not touching.
Truth:
This is some myth taught in a class we males were not included in. If the food isn’t touching that means there is less of it. In fact we like most of our foods to touch as they taste better together. If we go to an all you can eat buffet our plates are layered like lasagna and you may find lasagna under the fried chicken and the fresh yeasty rolls, if the popcorn shrimp isn’t hiding it.
#6
What they MUST know:
We don’t care about what softness of toilet tissue we end up with.
Truth:
Just because you can’t see us cry in the bathroom, the one we have been exiled to while using the sandpaper that seems to only be in the exiled bathroom does not, mean we don’t care. Men do not walk the way we do because we have different equipment below the belt line. We are trying not to cause ourselves to cry in public. Now you know where John Travolta got the strut from in Saturday Night Fever.
#7
What they MUST know:
We enjoy practical gifts for every gift occasion.
Truth:
We want toys. I need not go into this one any further.
#8
What they MUST know:
We always want monkey SEX.
Truth:
We are not that animalistic . . . all the time. There are those days when we have been thinking about you all day long . . . through the hours of sitting in traffic to get home . . . and we are animalistic, but sometimes we actually prefer the slow moments of the connecting gazes.
#9
What they MUST know:
We ALL know how to fix cars.
Truth:
My father knew better than to let me near a car. He used me as the free tire rotating service growing up. That was my job every few months on a Saturday. I was ‘learning’ how to change a tire. No I was ‘being used’ for free labor. That is about as far as it goes. Yes I can put oil in, and various other fluids, and even change a battery if need be. I am sure if I really had to I could do much more, I am intelligent and can read and follow instructions. But it is not a born with gift.
#10
What they MUST know:
We are all the jealous types.
Truth:
This is a bit serious. There are some ladies that will intentionally draw attention in order to make their Significant One jealous. We know this. Here are the things to keep in mind when doing this. If you have friends that do this, let them know.
1) If you make the wrong Significant One jealous, violence will occur
2) If you want to play that game, some of us will let you play it alone
Bonus
What they MUST know:
We don’t know how to use the washing machine.
Truth:
You know guys go to college and do their own laundry and often times end up with a fiance. Then what happens? Marriage and suddenly the wife decides the husband does not know how to wash clothes. Now this is not one I believe there is a complaint about. But I am putting it on the list because it is one of those things women MUST think they know about men.
I know much of the above is perhaps just my own opinions and in truth you can even turn some of them around and change the genders, especially with #10. But I accepted the challenge and I put some thought into it. I like to be funny with these lists but I also like there to be truth in each number I give so we can all share and learn. And perhaps even learn we are wrong, both you and me.
Ladies, are there things you think you know and want to know the real deal? Message me here, or if you want go to my About page and use that form, or email me at ronovanwrites@gmail.com, or even DM me on twitter @RonovanWrites. I really do mean it.
For next week each day I think will take Florence T up on the second challenge she offered up.
“Or what could be a ‘perfect’ balance between two persons in a relationship..not talking about equality here… ‘balance’! Did I just take the humor out of your post? Oops! :)”-Florence T
Much Respect
Ronovan
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It landed in muh front yard.-Response to Hugh of Hugh’s Views & News
I was sittin’ out on thuh front porch ponderin’ sumthin’ fierce. I was wonderin’ how I could batter and fry a hamburger. I had done see one of them there guys on that little talkin’ picture box do it but I weren’t sure iffin’ I was up fer it. Also I was wonderin’ how Britain hadn’t become over popluated after so many centuries of existence with rainy weather. I also wondered if they, meanin’ them British type folks were wantin’ Charles to be king for a day and then hand it over to William or what. Would 007 come out of retirement tuh help Scotland become a nation or whatever is goin’ on? I’m part Scotish an’ need tuh look into that there problem.
That ain’t got nuthin’ tuh do with this story. I took another swig of muh peanuts an’ Coke as sumthin’ strange came flyin’ up thuh driveway an’ landed in thuh front yard next tuh muh car . . . up on cement blocks as I was workin’ tuh git ‘er done fixed up super fancy like.
Then ‘it’ got out of it. I say ‘it’ because at first I didn’t know what ‘it’ was. I was afeerd it might be some alien thuh way it was drivin’ . . . steering wheel on the right. Then I figured out it was a fancy dude with this straw hat thing an’ a blue jacket thing on. The dude put his hands on his hips an’ looked around with a smile on his face, hummin’ some song that sounded kind uh familiar. Then it happened. He started walkin’.
I don’t know quite what that song was in his head but it must uh caused that feller tuh do that spinnin’ dancin’ thing. He spun so faced his straw hat didn’t have time to move. He just spun under it. He turned bright yellow as he did it too. And then he was at muh steps.
“Why hello there,” he said.
“You ain’t from around here is yuh?” I asked.
“How ever could you tell? Was it the steering wheel on the right side? Is it my lovely accent?”
“Nah,” I replied, I weren’t much into talkin’ in person.
“Then please do enlighten me.”
“You spun clockwise durin’ that fancy dance you just did.”
“Oh, dance?” He looked a might bit confused. I could see thuh cylinders doin’ there work inside his head an’ then thuh light bulb went off. “You mean my walk? You are such a funny man.” He looked at my car. “Quite a nice banger you have there.”
I kind uh just went with it at that point. “Thanks.” I heard thuh word nice so figured it was a good thing he done said. “Well I reckon you ain’t here on purpose, so what you want?”
“I am lookin’ fer, I mean looking for, heavens your accent is certainly very Southern American, anyway I am visiting here and was watching the Beeb while bone-idle I saw a program about people and their bits and bobs and was inspired to venture out into the countryside to see what I could see. I was doing quite well but I first was nearly run off the carriageway by a brute in an artic and then I became trapped behind a caravan. Now I am desperate to find a chip shop and a chemist.”
I stared.
And stared some more.
He was rubbin’ his hind parts so I reckoned the chemist might have meant doctor for some hind parts problem. Thuh Sip n’ Dip Quick Stop had a lot of chips so I thought I might could help him out.
I stood up an’ walked down into thuh yard. The lose board almost got me again but I won this time. I rubbed my fingers across thuh stubble of my face and rubbed my belly as I ciphered out what tuh do.
“Now you first gotta go out back thuh way you came up thuh driveway an’ then take a left on to thuh road. You’ll pass thuh old bait shop on yer right but it’s closed now. Keep goin’ and you’ll come to a roundabout they put in not long ago. You just keep movin’ if their ain’t nobody a comin’ or you git their first. Just go counterclockwise. Then when thuh road deadends you’ll come out on thuh highway. Take a right and head on fer about 5 miles an’ you’ll come to a big building on yer right. Go inside and you’ll be on thuh ground floor. When you get in the elevator you’ll know you done got it right cause the G will light up and the little light will come on next to the silver button with a G on it. Go up to the first floor by pushin’ that 1 button. Lady right there will help you out for sure.”
He was starin’ at me.
An’ starin’.
“You have roundabouts?”
“Yeah, just stay to thuh right and won’t be wrong. I always wondered about that counterclockwise thing but I reckon it must be somthin’ about everything being about entering buildings through thuh right doors and exiting through thuh lefts, so they do the same with the roundabouts an’ roads.”
“And ground floors?”
“Well they on thuh ground ain’t they? What do ya’ call ‘em where you come from?”
“Ground floors.”
“I bet if someone called ’em uh first floor that sure would send you off on a hunt. An’ I almost fergot that chip place you can find along thuh way too.”
“Thank you so very much.” With a twirl he was off, humming his way back into his car and disappearing down the driveway.
Grandma came out. “What was that?”
“Guy from Boston looking for directions.”
“I heard you give him directions to the hospital but why did you send him up to the psychiatric ward.”
“Grandma, I figured they would either be able to figure out what he done said, or know what tuh do with him one.”
“Ronovan, you’ve been in the sun a while, have you burned?”
I slid my foot out of my flip flop and pulled down the sock. “Does look a might pink compared tuh the catfish belly white, don’t it?”
“You get in the house.”
I need me one of them over the pond type folks to answer muh questions. Heard tell there was uh guy named Hugh that might be able tuh help out. I wonder if they want Pippa to marry Harry, and would that make her Princess Pippa? Anyways, maybe that Hugh guy can tell us somethin’.
I Reckon That’s All
Ronovan
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Did you ever wonder . . . in a British accent?
Did you ever wonder?
Very likely your answer to that question is yes. If not perhaps you will now wonder why I thought it should be. So now that we have all wondered about something, let us continue.
It was about 10 PM one night recently and I suddenly started thinking in British. And oddly ‘Venus’ by Bananarama was running through my brain. And I started this crazy dance without any reason at all. I felt like I was in stand up spin cycle washing machine or something.
Have you ever had that happen to you? No . . . well of late it happens to me quite often. Fortunately I was able to get out of my bubble bath but had to skip the Super Walmart excursion as my socks were not clean anyway and I hate the way my sandals feel on my bare feet. You know that sweaty icky feeling. If rubber then you wonder if some jelly baby is sucking at your feet, if leather than the cow is attempting to become a symbiote with your toes to live again. Yes, these thoughts do run through my mind. And really why DOES a nose run and feet smell? And what happens when the nose runs and meets the smelling feet? I need to know before 3 AM when I go to sleep.
No, that is not why I am dragging you through my quaint little village of a blog. My suddenly British thinking mind has questions.
Why are French Fries called chips in Britain? Is it xenophobia against the French? Is there a ban on using anything that sounds unhealthily like the word fry? Why not Fish and Fries? In Britain when making fried chicken is it called chipped chicken? When ordering at McDonald’s does the person taking said order ask if you would like chips with that?
And I know you know I must ask about the cookies being called biscuits. Need I really go into this? Does Ernie the Keebler Elf talk about chocolate chip biscuits? And I am still wondering about the dipping the cookie biscuit in tea. I don’t understand. And why would you drink something called Grey? Have you not read the books? You might catch 50 Shades of an STD.
Now for the really odd question burning in my brain; why the wrong side of the road driving? Are all people in Britain left handed? Are you not afraid that you will shift gears in a zig zag formation and around the world snap? I mean really people, what is . . . the . . .deal? Oh I know, perhaps Britain is where all of the mail carriers in America secretly come from. I mean why else would they have those jeeps with the wheel switched over in order to reach the mailbox? Oh, and what do they do in Britain? Do they move the wheel to the left side of the vehicle for mail carriers?
And now finally, Blood Sausage, what? I cannot fathom the mind that thought “Let us name this meaty type thing blood so people will love it”. Why? I really do ask why?
I will not ask about Piers Morgan and why you sent him here. Perhaps it was a secret plan for a new invasion. And why is he named after a place where sailors gather? Hmm? Do you know? Piers, you can tell us.
I leave you with this and perhaps anyone English British will have it running through their heads the rest of the day. And perhaps my friend Hugh of Hugh’s News and Views would be able to answer these questions . . . that is when he is not dunking cookies in 50 Shades of STDs.
Much Respect
Ronovan
2014 © Copyright-All rights reserved-RonovanWrites.wordpress.com
My Response to the 10 Things Florence T. Wants.
Florence T. paid me a great compliment by doing her own “10 Things” on Friday. After having some fun answering my ‘10 Things I Just Need to Know About . . . Women‘ she came up with her own ‘10 Things I want to know…about men‘.
Here are my answers to those questions. If you want to know the questions then please visit Florence T and her article.
#10
I love to cook so, let me see. Um . . . let’s see men like all balls of all colors. They even like smooth ones or fuzzy ones. If they see them they must have them. They are like a laser pointer to a cat.
I said a CAT!
#9
We like to watch other men with balls but we think we know about how to use them better than those who get paid for it.
#8
Men just naturally want it long I guess. They like the way it feels and lays there enticingly.
(I just had to use this one. It might not be about the question but it is just so . . . ow.)
#7
I don’t mind a woman in control. She knows, so tell me what to do and where to go otherwise she gets frustrated and then there is no fun for anyone. But I know some men just don’t get it . . . even when told.
#6
Hmm . . . one word . . .sex.
(Yeah, I changed the name of this one to “dog” slap in my files.)
#5
We like it to feel good inside not just look good.
#4
Maybe it has to do with answers to #1 and #2.
#3
It is great four letter word. It’s one of my favorites too. And I am glad you think it’s sexy. I guess some men just think it’s just not a very masculine thing and other men would use it as a sign of weakness when applied.
#2
I think you are right about this especially the anger and lust being the man ones. But answer #3 relates to this. If we used it any other way then we would be called that four letter word.
#1
Yes. I think we would love to. Just putting it all out there for everyone to see would make everyone better off and make it a healthier world.
There you have it. Now go check out ‘10 things I want to know . . .about men‘ from Florence T.
Much Respect
Ronovan
2014 © Copyright-All rights reserved-RonovanWrites.wordpress.com.
Five things men fear on first dates.
You’re on a date and you are stressed beyond belief. It’s like that first time and you just have no idea what’s going to happen. You just keep praying that you don’t do anything . . . stupid.
Stupid around my house is a bad word. We say silly instead. But really one word is as bad as another if you know what it is supposed to really stand for. No freakin’ way will I say that crap word again.
Anyway, for a guy what can you do that’s so bad on a first date, or really any date for that matter, but that first date is the one you have to impress. The rest of your time with her she realizes you’re a guy and you do guy things, so you get a pass card. And no I don’t mean that kind of pass . . . or that one either. Eww.
What do we fear?
Five Things Men Fear on First Dates
by: Ronovan
Pit Sweats
Guys, be honest, they are;
The dreaded stains,
That cause you chest pains.
You have options here men.
• Date only in winter and never wear a coat, jacket, or sweater
• Duct tape bath clothes to your pits
• Or be sensible and wear a t-shirt
But the truth is, none of those ideas occur to us until it’s the end of July and we’re standing outside her door and that trickle starts down the back of the neck. You just know what’s going to be next. Back sweats? Okay you can get away with that, she’ll understand. But then you drive and move your arm and the air hits and . . . you know it has happened.
That freezing cold feeling hits that damp pit cloth of the shirt and you begin to sweat more and wonder if she would question stopping at a local Quik Trip convenience store while you air dry your pits with the hand dryer in the restroom. Then you begin to worry she thinks you have other problems.
Bad Breath
You leave the house and you are like, “It’s all good.” Then you start singing to the radio. Something begins to smell.
You’re at her driveway. She’s sitting on the porch swing and sees you. You have no way out. You pull in and scrounge for anything.
And then you find it, that melted plastic wrapped piece of peppermint candy that is now pink from where the food coloring has fun together from who knows how many years of living in the cup holder under that Taco Bell napkin.
The plastic will not release. She’s stopped swinging and now is staring. Yes, you do it. In goes the candy, plastic and all and you . . . chew. You have to get out of the car because she’s coming. She’s worried about you. Oh no, you can’t get rid of the plastic or she’ll see and then your hands are covered in sticky 3,000 year old candy sugar.
Yep, you swallow the plastic.
Bats in the Cave
It happens to everyone, even her. But men, you know it’s going to happen on that date.
You can even feel it happening. The tickle starts. You breathe and hear that slight noise and feel it moving.
You start breathing through your mouth slightly. But then she’ll think you’re a mouth breather. You try for the distraction and the big sniff to move that thing up. Or maybe you find a way to rub your nose in the hopes of it settling into place.
Then one of two things happens. You’re in the moment, the kiss could happen. She has those melt you in your shoes eyes looking up at you and her eyes go from yours to your lips then . . . you got it. Her eyes moves slightly upward as the bat begins to say hello.
Is that the worst thing? Nope. Same situation and then Bat Cave Bomb Away, you got it, the boogie done left the building and it only has one place to go.
Nose Hair
Related to the Bat Cave situation are the Nasal Follicles.
I know the Good Lord designed them to help us out, after all if not for them all those Bats in the Cave matter would be in our lungs, but for goodness sake, trim the vines before the date.
Men if you are headed to the date and you are in your car, look in the mirror. No, you don’t have the nose hair trimmers with you. Yes ladies, we do have those. Mine are burgundy. Now guys if you look in the mirror and see Tarzan swinging it’s desperate measure time.
Yes, you have to pull them out. I heard the ouch. I feel your pain. Seriously, I’ve been there. Just go for it and yank Tarzan and Cheetah both out and hope the tears are gone before you get to Jane.
B.O. Bomb
Well men we finally come to the most dreaded one of all. All the others we can try to avoid and take care of. But when it comes to the body odor, well, what can I say? It stinks.
Some men keep deodorant in their car. Nice. Some even keep cologne. Not going to work. If you are like most men, you’re in trouble.
There are four options available at this point if you are in her driveway:
1. Grab the jacket in the back seat and wear it all night, even in late July at the ball game. Yeah, Pit Sweats combined with the B.O Bomb. Nice. Then you begin breathing heavy and the plastic peppermint quits working and you feel that piece of plastic still stuck in your teeth.
2. The car deodorizer might work. Chemical hazard? Yes. Worth a kiss on the first date? Yep.
3. Asking to borrow her bathroom and using her deodorant. It’s one way to be sure but you better keep it a secret.
4. Keep as far apart from her as you think is the safe smell limit. One problem with this is . . . no second date. You can either get close and get the rep as Señor Stinko with all of her friends who you also know, or become known as General Germaphobia. Take your pick.
Well, there you have them, and that’s just 5 of our fears. You didn’t know we had them, did you ladies? You thought our only worries were how expensive you were going to order and if we were going to get to first base or farther. Oh, and some of you men didn’t know you had to worry about all of that? Welcome to reality.
If you really want something that will freak you out, and this really happened, check out “When toots let loose. . . “ or what I call “A College Girls Gas Confession” at my fellow blogger’s site A College Girl’s Confessions. I swear, I’m not making this up.
Men AND women, do you care to share some of your MOMENTS on dates? Come on, you know you want to. Put a comment in.
Much Respect
Apparently Hygiene Deficient Ronovan
1st Image Credit: gettyimages© Original Photo by Laurence Monneret/The Image Bank
2nd Image Credit: gettyimages© Original Photo by Don Bayley/E+
4th Image Credit: gettyimages© Original Photo by sturti-E+ Man
5th Image Credit: gettyimages© Original Photo by Don Bayley/Vetta Man
© Copyright-All rights reserved-RonovanWrites.wordpress.com.
Notification of Plop
Notification of Plop
by: Ronovan
I have a notification
I see it up there at the top
But when I go to look
There’s nothing to make me stop
I wonder where the number went
That number 1 that went pop
Was it just there to tease me
With hopes that then went flop
Oh you evil message thingy
You promised me a prop
Then you evil message thingy
You end up splashing plop
© Copyright-All rights reserved-RonovanWrites.wordpress.com
He said she said….
Nishi is really expanding on her writing and blogging style. That ‘My Best Friend’ about broke my heart, and now she nails the man woman relationship in the technological age.
You have to check it out and let her know how great she’s doing. 🙂 Although I don’t need any further writing competition around here. Never mind!
“Hey, what are you doing?” he asked
“Cooking” she said
“Are you watching that show on your iPad?”
“Hmm.. yes” she said
“Why cant you just do one thing at a time?”
“Because I CAN do both” she said
“Whatever” he said dismissively
“What are you doing?” she asked
“Working” he said
“And your headphones?”she asked
“What about them?
“They’re in your ear”
“Im listening to music” he said
“Let me see… and Facebooks open..”she said peering into the laptop screen
“Yea, so?”
“I rest my case”
Word of Warning: Never text and drive.
The Problematic Pimple
Amanda had a Pimple? On a Wedding Day? Say it isn’t so. Even more surprising were her disastrous solutions. Is an Egyptian Mummy wrap the solution? Read and find out. 🙂
@AmandaLyle86
Pesky Passengers!
Amanda at Inside The Life of Moi rants better than anyone I know. Why? Because there is truth in her humorous rants. I ran across this one just now and I am still cringing and laughing from the awful truth of it.
@AmandaLyle86
10 Things Every Writer Needs But Never Thinks About
10 Things Every Writer Needs But Never Thinks About
by: Ronovan
There are things that every writer needs that they never think about and no one will ever advise them on. Well today I will share with you those secret things that only the most experienced and dedicated writers know about and like to keep to themselves. But don’t tell anyone or my life will be endangered. And with that I give to you the first secret need:
A Fluffy Butt Cushion
All serious writers must use one of these. Have you ever noticed that groove that forms on your middle finger from writing for so many years, I call it my writer’s mark? That comes from the wearing away of tissue from all that writing. Well imagine what all that writing is doing to your butt. For some of us that might be a good thing, but for others . . . well I can tell you there are some that need to hang onto what the good Lord gave them or they’ll fall right through the potty seat.
Clock With Multiple Alarm Settings
Those writers who make words their lives forget about everything else. Now enters the need to schedule everything and set an alarm to it.
• Potty breaks
• Lunch
• Taking a drink of water
• Bathing—If not, then skip the next three
• Sex
• Wedding day—if you actually remember to go on a date
• Dates—Otherwise don’t worry about the previous three
If you are a serious writer then you will also need a portable alarm set for appropriate lengths of time after the Potty Break and Date breaks, and possibly the Wedding Day . . . Honeymoons do not require alarms, as long as they are not over 48 hours long.
Nair
This is for men and women writers. Shaving of anything takes too much time. Nair the hair or go super earthy. Unless you are Alan Moore you will not get away with the Sasquatch look.
See-Through Shower Door
With your imagination you will never come out of the shower for fear of what is on the other side of the curtain.
Shamwows
You’re a writer, you know why you need this and where you need this, and I’m not talking about geographical location. Men admit it you have Butt Sweats, get the Shamwow. Women . . . I read about . . . Chest(?) Sweats today. (Sorry I just could not type the other word.) (Why is it warm in here now? Should I include a fan on this list?)
Canaries
These are just in case either; a) the alarm clock does not work, or b) you ignore the alarm clock when it alerts you to shower time. If the Canary dies, it’s time for a shower. Miners used these things for a reason.
Dog
As a writer you’ll need someone who will love you no matter what. Cats are too smart and independent to love you just because you offer them a three day old piece of left out pizza. Plus if you smell like roadkill they will NOT come near you. A dog will still think you are the greatest thing ever since . . . that piece of pizza. Then of course they will intentionally lick your face lovingly after licking their butt. Dogs are sneaky little guys.
Plastic Flowers
Why? You need an alarm to tell
you to go Potty and have Sex
and you are asking why
Plastic Flowers?
A Clue
See Previous Need.
Ideas
If you are making lists of crazy things such a Canaries and Butt Sweat towels then you really need more ideas to write about.
Thus ends THIS list of the 10 Things Every Writer Needs But Never Thinks About. Keep them secret and take them to heart.
Much Respect
Ronovan “Fluffy Cushion” Writes
(I don’t need the cushion. Just saying.)
© Copyright-All rights reserved-RonovanWrites.wordpress.com-June 18, 2014.
The Curious Case Of The Man Flu
Yes, I greatly dislike it when she’s right. I almost didn’t share this one with everyone, but grrr…..why am I so honest sometimes? And she makes me LAUGH!!!!! Men don’t take away my man card for sharing this one. Remember to follow her on Twitter as well
ronovanwrites 