I found my voice . . .

“As a writer, I like to say I have found my voice since writing hundreds of articles. I now frequently receive mail wishing for me to find laryngitis”-Ronovan

 

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When Ronovan Met Miss Maple (on Skype) – Part 3

Read Hugh’s Latest in the mystery of Grammar Black Market.

Where does Hugh end up?

What is it with him and Oreos anyway?

Read now before the next installment later today here on RonovanWrites with

Part 2 The L.A.W. Comes to Town: A Kiss is Just a Kiss

The case of the disappearing

H

Credit: Freefoto.comG

H

What’s THAT doing in my in box? Viewer Discretion is Advised.

I don’t want anything violating my ‘in box’ unless it has my permission to do so. I am more the one venturing out into in boxes type of person. Not going to apologize for it. It’s the way I’ve always been.

Think about if something just showed up there one  day without you even knowing it was coming. Wouldn’t that upset you? There you are, minding your own business and suddenly your warning goes off that there it is. There is this strange meat thing in your in box.

spam_conveyor.gif

Did you know that Spam stands for Spiced Ham? Well that’s one definition of it. There is another definition that comes from Monty Python where Spam kept showing up in all of the food on the menu and even in a news report. And now you know why those unwanted things in your email are called Spam. I’m serious, that is where the name for email spam comes from.

 

I get a certain kind of Spam in my in box.  No, sorry, no spiced meat here, just unwanted email. A little spiced meat is good every now and then, right? Sometimes a lot of spice meat is amazing. Makes the body feel good.

more_tea_vicar_cosy.jpg(Thank you Hugh for clue me into this saying.)

 

Now I somehow wonder if the sort of spam I receive is all connected and if they have access to my medical records because these spam people know way too much about my needs medical history.

 

I really have no idea how things happen. Back in the old  days when everyone used to have these things called mail boxes you would get junk mail and it would be things for sell and advertisements that were at least half way possibly could be useful. And best of all? They were appropriate for all viewing audiences. An aside for a moment, have you ever considered how to say ‘advertisement’? When I say it out loud I say ad ver tize ment, but when reading I say ad ver tis ment. Sorry for that, just popped to mind. Remember, unedited and this is a good day.

 

Then Al Gore invented the internet.

al_gore_internet.jpg

 

Now I enter the email zone.

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I have no idea how some of these ended up with me but I wonder if they are all connected somehow. Yes some do end up in the spam box and not the in box before any over smarty types attempt to tell me how to keep this from happening but it’s still in my email so get a life and don’t be so OCD about things.

 

(I have a real image for that one but I think I might get in trouble if I shared it.)

 

Did I vent much there? Perhaps there is a tech person in my life that drives me insane. Just saying. Don’t worry, unless the title sounds like I’m suicidal they don’t read these things.  You think I jest?

 

But see if you see a connection with these gems that I receive multiple times and then tell me if I should be talking to my doctor about his selling information or not.  These are the actual titles of the emails.

 

Dr. Oz endorses Forskolin burn fat quicker, eat this, never diet again

I’m Fat!?!

Yeah, well, aren’t we all for the most part. Well most of my parts are. Hmm . . . that sounded kind of wrong, didn’t it? But I’m leaving it in anyway. Today Ronovan is venting and unedited. Where is that tea?

Yes, I lost 70 pounds in less than six months and need to lose some more, but is that a reason to just send me nasty emails about it? And that name, Forskolin, I swear if you combine it with my other spam mail it just sounds WRONG! You don’t think so? Just you wait.

 

Twitter-Adriana has found me there too

No that’s not the title of the email but I didn’t really want Hey big Stud to become my new nickname here in Blog World.

You all might remember Adriana from my last In Box rant. She has been after me in my email as though being from facebook. Apparently she has decided to get to me through Twitter now. She must be into role playing and dress up because each time she sends an email her description keeps changing. Sounds interesting but kind of scares me. One day I might open one of those emails, but for now I just see that little preview thingy. The words, people, the words!

 

Match.com Partner View Photos of Singles on Match.com for Free

I guess somehow people know Adriana is not making any headway with me. So now I have the singles services calling. I can bet you see a major problem with my receiving a singles ad. Hey, it’s a free world, do what you like, I ain’t a judger or fudger. (That’s a reference to my Sunday Thoughts message called Sex and Hell, if anyone was wondering. A judger is a person that judges others and a fudger is a person that fudges scripture to make it mean what they want it to.) Some couples even have that open thing going on or whatever the situations are.

 

SIZE MATTERS AS SEEN ON TV –PENIS ENLARGEMENT

I don’t watch TV. I’m serious, the most I watch is about 10 minutes with my son ‘B’ in the mornings while he eats breakfast before school. It makes me wonder where this is shown on TV. And really, I think I need to talk to my doctor about a file leak in his office.

 

Only losers have tiny weeners-stop being a loser Dr. MAXMAN

Okay now the first one didn’t get me so they sent in this guy, another doctor no less. I’m not sure what the size of hotdogs has to do with success but if Dr. Oz wants me to lose weight then I don’t understand why this guy was sent after me. But I would think tiny portions of sausages and losing is what a doctor would want.

 

Request Spank me: I’m waiting for you on my bed Adriana

Yep, there she is again. Adriana now has made a request. I’m not sure what she did wrong but apparently she wants punished. It makes me wonder how old she is if spanking is a form of correction. Maybe just putting her in time out would work. That could explain the dress up and role playing things she  has going. Maybe she is just trying to set up a play date.

 

3+ Inches Today Be the most confident man in town

Okay, I get this one. It does make since. The more inches you have the more confident you might feel. I’m over 6 feet tall so another 3 inches would make me even taller and stand above the crowd even more. Tall can mean confident.

 

Enlarger Pills May your dreams of a big schlong come true

I’m not really sure what this one is. I haven’t been to a delicatessen in years.

 

Dr. Maxman Harder erections, she will feel it, Rwherse

Okay so apparently this doctor has changed from dealing with weight issues to sexual problems. I really need to talk to my doctor about that leak in his office. One thing this doctor doesn’t understand. It doesn’t matter what his program for this is, I still have a 10 year old gifted child running around. What makes you think I want a cure? If you don’t understand that, then you don’ t know what either a) having a 10 year old boy is like, b) what having a gifted child can be like, or c) haven’t had the two combined into one boy.

Ladies pardon me for a moment, please turn away for about 5 seconds and then skip to the next bold text.

 

Men if you are having erections and needing help for her to feel them . . . I don’t think harder is your answer.

 

Okay ladies. we’re back.

Now do you see why the Dr. Oz endorsing Forskolin just sounded wrong to me?

 

So you might see my concern about my doctor, right? Weight loss and that other problem or problems.

 

You can use spam filters to help you keep these nasty little things away but really there is only one thing to do. This man stole the method from us Southern type folks.

spam_shot.gif

 

What’s in YOUR in box? Let us know, leave a comment. Is Adriana asking you for a play date too?

Happy Spam Hunting

Ronovan

 

More tea vicar tea cosy from pinterest.com

Al Gore image by from cheezburger.com

Animated gifs from giphy.com

 

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FemaleFocusFriday: What I NEED to know about ROMANCE from WOMEN!

Oh Laaaadies! Holla if ya heeeeaaarrrr meee!

I have no idea why I did that but it just came to mind as I started to type. Could you imagine living with me never knowing what to expect next? I’ve asked a range of advice questions for y’all before on some many things but today . . . a rarity is occurring. Ronovan . . . is . . .

UP-squirrel-dog-animated-gif

 

 

 

. . . focusing.

 

How to ask you Out In Person, Phone Call, or Text Message

That’s right ladies it’s

ROMANCE DAY!!!!

(Yes I can feel the sizzle now. And strangely I like it. Who brought jumper cables?)

romance_Bullock

Oh yeah, focus, Ronovan . . . focus. Be the romance to be the romance. Philosophically that makes sense to me but in print it looks rather odd. Much like my photo. Hmm. Oh yeah, focus. So in person, on the phone or . . . yeah Kelly done told us about the third one.

no_texting_date_kelly_Rowland

I just want to make it clear that I obviously don’t really need help in this area, ahem, but my men friends might appreciate some advice.

Blue Jeans or Slacks/Pants or Saggin’ & Draggin’

What do you want your date to dress in? I know, I know, you’re going to say it depends if you are going to a rodeo or some other place. Let’s pick some other place for this. No Bostonian leather shoes and double breasted suit at the poop palooza. You don’t want to be seen with a dork. I get it. Okay so I know which one you might do away with automatically. Unless the mood is a bit other than romantic and well . . .

saggin_and_draggin

Natural Musk, Cologne, or Duck Commander Date Repellent

You know, it’s a difficult question for us. Seriously. What if you are allergic or asthmatic? What if and what if? We don’t want to be in the middle of  a date and have to rush you to an emergency room, that would just waste of the all you can eat taco buffet at the Huddle House Mexican Night. I am guessing here, just guessing which one you would say no to.

He_Just_Peed_On_Me(And if anyone knows of an all you can eat Taco Mexican Night at Huddle House, please let me know. I can get frog legs at the local convenience store. I kid you not.)

 

Flowers or Nothing or What

Maybe it’s an old fashion thing to ask, but what would you call Romantic or even would like to see happen? We might think of flowers and then freeze at the thought you might be allergic or hate the flowers we pick out. Then if we bring nothing do we look like a cheapskate? Then what if we brought some alternatives? Like maybe a cat toy?

cat_squirrel

Car, Truck, or Something Else

Now when considering this you need to consider other options like where you want to go on the date and do you want to climb up in the muck hauler or ride in the over compensating mobile or do you want to get a work out in the something else? Considering the attention some women put on calorie intake I am not certain about discounting number three, if it were disguised perhaps as as pedal car.

foot_power_car

Candle Lit Dinner or Picnic in the Park or Do Ya Want Fries Wid Dat

Now that is unless he’s dead broke, it’s the anniversary of your first date ever and he’s recreating it, or you just don’t care and want to be with each other because that’s where the true romance is at. Taco Bell served me well in those early days. I think I know we can probably rule out number three as being Romantic. See even that guy agrees.

RonaldSlap

Dancing, No Dancing or Whatever

This one might be a little difficult because of various situations. For one, even if women can’t dance they can dance. But men when they dance, well. They think they dance like this . . .

dancing_spin

But in reality dance like this . . .

nerd_dance_giphy

Kiss Good Night, Hand Shake, Or Something Else

We have come to the end of the evening, I know . . . I know . . .  there are some steps missing like a stroll along aromantically lit street that seems to transport you back in time, or a classic movie being shown special on the big screen, or a concert that is difficult to ge t tickets for. Then of course perhaps coffee or something and the ride home.

Now we  come to the second most important moment of the second most important moment of the night. The kiss . . .  oh the most important? Well how to handle going to the potty, especially if it’s number 2. How romantic is that? But you asked.

There are people out there who still live with their parents. It doesn’t matter what age the dat eis, they live at home for some reason. A kiss? Okay, a soft, tender but intent kiss is a good start if you mean it. Or a lingering gentle hand shake, bu the there is the one that probably mean can relate to . . . The father inquisition . . .

baby-oil-slap

Men need to know what you expect. It would be nice if their were  a manual but so many of you are different. So I want to hear from you. I mean I reiterate that I PERSONALLY don’t need in the help in the romance department if you know what I mean but there are some out there that do. What are your answers? We NEED to KNOW!!!!

Cause all I got are . . .

free_shrugs

ron_bloglovin2

Much Respect

Romance Man

Ronovan

(Yeah, I could have given the guys the word but you know, I can’t be sharin’ my secrets. Anyone seen my Atari 2600 Joy Stick? It’s my turn to play Frogger. Freakin’ Alligator.)

2014 © Copyright-All rights reserved by ronovanwrites.wordpress.com

Hugh is Disappearing! What does Ronovan Do?: The LAW comes to town.

To come in at the beginning, although it’s not a must you might want to start with:

When Ronovan Met Miss Maple (On Skype) Part 1 – A Response to Ronovan at Ronovan Writes

By Hugh Roberts of Hugh’s Views & News

And then my part in response to him:

Extra! Extra! Rose & Ghun Bust Hugh Roberts For Letter Hoarding!

I was rubbing my eyes from lack of sleep when Miss Maypole blurted out we were losing Hugh. When I looked back to the screen they had disconnected. I guess they were getting in touch with that Eloise Mellow person.

 

Losing Hugh was not really a pleasing idea. I still had his different hats he sent me for my son B’s school project. Hugh had seemed very fond of the Native American war bonnet. Sometimes I just didn’t ask. I had already seen Hugh dancing and the imagery was too vivid to go there. I had seen his anxious look when he saw the hats earlier.

Hugh Loaded

Plus I had to admit, Hugh was a sexy man. (Did I say that out loud or was that a thought? It’s fine, I’m in touch with my masculinity and that other side of me. Brad Pitt’s hot and so is that Robert Downey Iron Man dude in a Weird Science kind of way.)

 

I did what I had to do, I flipped open my battered blue cased cell and hit the last number dialed. (Yes, I said flipped opened.)

 

“Ron, we’re already out of town,” said Rose.

 

“I know but things are getting worse. They tell me my h’s are missing now and if something isn’t done Hugh will disappear.”

 

There was silence for a moment on the other end of the line. Then I heard a lot of noise, a few screams, and possibly what I would have sworn was a grown man begging. “Ron, sorry but we can’t help you this time. We’re kind of busy. Call the LAW,” said Rose.

 

“LAW?” I asked. “The police?”

 

“No, the LAW, League of Awesome Women and they should be able to handle this. Listen, I’ll give them a call and they’ll be in contact with y . . . Ghun! Get him! Nooo not on the leather seats. Blood gets in the seams. Aw . . . man.” The phone went silent.

 

I held the phone frozen in place, wondering what I was getting into. LAW, Grammar Black Market, and I had to worry about sending Hugh back his Village People props, he had said something about doing a mix called Rocky Horror Village Show. I didn’t ask. I had seen his concern about the hats though. They had come in handy for the History of America project B had at school. I still wonder where he got the Native American headdress from. I was 1/8 Native American and didn’t have any Native American things.

 

The knock on the door about made me jump as I was wondering if Rose and Ghun would ever get married. Yes, I really am that random with thoughts. Since they had only known each other a few months I wasn’t sure where it would go, what with her aunt having been his old girlfriend . . . I barely had the door open when the group of hair and perfume shoved their way into my house. Okay actually not so much hair, but someone smelled of vanilla.

 

Amira Loaded1

 

“Ummupload_vu41pgvlebvp4ufulvjufjr1p5228595.JPG-final(1), yeah,” I managed. The presence of actual women skeered me something fierce. At least Rose had been here with Ghun.

Kate Loaded1
Elena Loaded1
Amira Loaded 2

Before I knew it upload_vu41pgvlebvp4ufulvjufjr1p5228595.JPG-finalwomen were rummaging through my drawers everywhere. Then it suddenly dawned on me that these were some of my online Blog World friends.

 

Amira & Elena Makansi the Authors of The Sowing, Kate of Dazzling Whimsy, Cat of Obscured Dreamer, and Jenna of Jen’s Pen Den. It was major freak out time for me.

 

They were secretly part of some super smarticles group. Oh, no. They now knew how I lived. My secrets were out. The would know I blogged in underwear and ate Pringles by the cans each day along with 2 liter bottles of grape soda.

 

Wait, that’s not me. That must be some other blogger.

 

Kate Loaded2
Cat Loaded1
Elena Loaded2Amira Loaded 3
Jenna Loaded 1
Amira Loaded 4

“Oh and it looks like they have it out for Hugh. The letters in his name are Jenna Loaded 1the ones that are missing,” I said. I couldn’t look at their faces and Jenna was still red. I was trying to remember what was in my room. Then I upload_vu41pgvlebvp4ufulvjufjr1p5228595.JPG-finalremembered my laptop and the screen saver. I died a little bit more.

 

Kate Loaded 3

That’s when it hit me, and I saw a look cross Elena’s face as well.

 

Elena Loaded 3

Could we both be thinking of the same person? . . .  to be continued.

 

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Next Stop:

When Ronovan Met Miss Maple (on Skype) – Part 3

By Hugh Roberts of Hugh’s Views & News