A blog is a place to get things off your mind and your heart. We’ve turned it into something entirely different and thus less therapeutic. When I first started blogging I did a lot of therapy with stories and poetry. Over time I thought I lost that ability. I did. I didn’t have the physical or mental energy to keep going. After you blog as intensively as I did you might understand.

I also discovered another reason I stopped. Pain. I can’t sit for more than a minute, if even that log without great pain from the bottom of my spine and inching upward. Within minutes, unless I grit my teeth and forge my way ahead, I am lying down on a couch or a bed. Walking after sitting for a few minutes is difficult because of that pain, and just the pain of trying to stand brings even more pain.

That’s not why I am brokenhearted. I tell you all of that to give you an idea of what I am going through as I write this. Many of you probably won’t like what I have to say, but then again, this is a blog. This is my journal and my journey. Those of you that were around at the beginning you know the journey I’ve been through here and with you.

I am probably one of the biggest supporters and encouragers of women. If you were here during my earlier years you would have seen almost daily posts about how great I thought women were or interviewing women, or sharing their posts here on my blog. That is another reason this is painful because people are going to think I am against women.

I support the #MeToo movement in its original purpose. I think we can all agree that some have come along and not helped it very much and have only detracted from those who are real survivors of assault and sufferers of harassment. I think women who are assaulted should be heard, even if it is decades latter.

On Wednesday I watched the Senate Judiciary Committee Hearing testimony of Christina Blasey Ford and Judge Brett Kavanaugh. The way this entire thing has been turned in to a political circus is disappointing. Ms. Ford almost experienced the worst thing a woman can experience as far as I am concerned, other than maybe losing a child of any age. I have no doubt she was attacked. I do question if it was Judge Kavanaugh simply based on the other people stated as being there deny any such party occurred.

Those are my opinions. We are all entitled to those and friends all over the world believe different things but remain friends. I think those differences make for more interesting friends and even perhaps better friends because they allow for a person to grow and experience differing opinions rather than a homogenized world view.

I am not going to fault Ms. Ford’s gaps in memory because I also have memory problems, or problem, after suffering a Grade 3 concussion that ended up providing me with retrograde amnesia. In other words, I lost all of my memories from before that concussion. Was it entirely from the fall and my head striking against three hard surfaces in three different places before I impacted with the floor? Perhaps there is also an emotional trauma issue.

My only theory with Ms. Ford naming Judge Kavanaugh and his not being the attacker is that perhaps in her trauma and over time Judge Kavanaugh became, to Ms. Ford, the true attacker. No, I do not think she is naming him out of some spiteful plan to keep him from the Supreme Court. No, I do not think she ever wanted to be part of what some are calling a delaying tactic. I have read the timeline of from when she thought of writing the letter until her entering the courtroom today. She never wanted to testify. She never wanted people to know her name. She wanted the Committee to take her information seriously and use it in their decision making and investigation process. Not until after some of the Committee found out that the Ranking Member had a letter regarding Judge Kavanaugh did the existence of said letter end up public and the fire was lit. Within two days reporters of The New Yorker had the contents, somehow. She revealed her name two days later in The Washington Post because reporters were sitting outside her house, talking through the window trying to calm her dog down, and even entering her classroom while she was working. People were also calling her colleagues at Stanford University.

I am heartbroken that someone related to this hearing, this confirmation, leaked the existence of her letter and then obviously her name. Someone that was either elected to one of the most powerful positions in the nation or perhaps someone that works for one of them betrayed a woman that was terrified of going public. If you saw her today you would see that she is someone that seems very private about her personal life. I could see that by the way she spoke and her body language. But I’m not an expert on that, it’s just my opinion.

Once she was exposed she then did her civic duty, as she did in the beginning by notifying her member of Congress. If only Senator Feinstein had thought to ask Judge Kavanugh questions about sexual assault during her private question meetings with him, or even during the public hearings, or even in the 1200-1300 written follow-up questions perhaps none of Wednesday would have happened.

I am heartbroken over the hyper politicized nature of this entire procedure. All Senator Feinstein had to do was ask Judge Kavanugh in her on-on-one meetings, and if he said no, then contact Ms. Ford and say she believed there was a need to move into an official investigation. I actually believe Senator Feinstein thought she was doing the right thing and the best thing for Ms. Ford. That is not a joke. I don’t believe she is the type that would use this woman’s tragedy for political plots. The hyper politicized does not come from Senator Feinstein but by others sitting to her left during the hearing.

Even before the allegation came forward, Senator Feinstein’s colleague Senator Booker back in late July called Judge Kavanaugh Evil and anyone supporting him was complicit in evil a full month before meeting with him one-on-one on August 23. Senator Booker attempted through his phrasing of a question to get Judge Kavanaugh to say Yes he thought Ms. Ford’s allegations were a ploy being used against him. If Judge Kavanaugh had said yes, he would have been vilified even more than he has been so far. Her allegations do appear as though they are being used by members of the committee as a ploy to keep Judge Kavanaugh from being confirmed. Even before they had heard Judge Kavanaugh respond to the allegations they decided he was guilty.

I am brokenhearted that my country has forgotten the immense privilege it is to be considered innocent until proven guilty. Some of our elected officials, some who want to become President of the US someday, have forgotten that we are innocent until proven guilty. They have thrown it away in their desire to deny a man nominated by a President they despise. They throw it aside because this man is a conservative and they are afraid he will help overturn Roe v. Wade.

I am brokenhearted watching apparently intelligent adults on news programs with their minds and eyes closed to events in front of them just because they don’t like Ms. Ford or Judge Kavanaugh. Both sides have come out, even before the hearing on Wednesday, saying they believed one or the other. They hadn’t even had a hearing yet.

I am brokenhearted that I am even writing this. I fought with myself for hours before finally giving in I could not get away from it. I had to get all of this out, plus so much more but I’ve been at this for well over 30 minutes and my spine has locked up and is screaming at me. My migraines, which as a result of the concussion, never stop, not even for one second in the last, four years I think. Migraines, a bad spine, Fibromyalgia, and ME/CFS all combined are not a fun filled day at the beach.

I am brokenhearted because I am ashamed of how low my country has fallen. Not just in this hearing, but throughout government and the mindset of my fellow citizens

I once was a Republican. That changed during the early months of 2017. No, I am not a Trump supporter, nor was I then. My candidate didn’t make the final cut. Write-ins are a great thing. I decided that after the election I would at least give things a chance. Be optimistic. Be hopeful. Be prayerful. And now here we are, a nation that on the surface appears so divided we should almost divide in half and move people around. But we are the United States and we go that way through one hard fought war, and kept that way through the darkest and bloodiest time on our nations soil. (That didn’t involve the killing of Native Americans.) We will stay that way through what I pray is only two more years before some amazing person comes along, be it a Democrat or perhaps a different Republican steps up to make a challenge.

I am brokenhearted because I no longer have a party that I can call home. But I have decided I don’t like the party system any longer. Look what it does to intelligent people.

I am brokenhearted that I may have to leave this country someday because I stay awake at night thinking about the disaster we are. I think about all the good things we could be, could be doing. There is so much this country could solve if there was no other side of the aisle and everyone just sat together, talked, discussed, brainstormed, and tried to find commonalities instead of all the things that divide. Focus on the united not the divided. It’s on our nation’s name.

I’ve talked enough. I have journeyed through this page and hope I can now sleep a little with a less cluttered and frustrated mind. I hope no one has read this because it will likely frustrate whoever is foolish enough to take this journey with me.

Much Respect to Y’all and good night  or perhaps I might say good morning by this time.