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10 Things Every Writer Needs But Never Thinks About

by: Ronovan

There are things that every writer needs that they never think about and no one will ever advise them on. Well today I will share with you those secret things that only the most experienced and dedicated writers know about and like to keep to themselves. But don’t tell anyone or my life will be endangered. And with that I give to you the first secret need:

A Fluffy Butt Cushion
All serious writers must use one of these. Have you ever noticed that groove that forms on your middle finger from writing for so many years, I call it my writer’s mark? That comes from the wearing away of tissue from all that writing. Well imagine what all that writing is doing to your butt. For some of us that might be a good thing, but for others . . . well I can tell you there are some that need to hang onto what the good Lord gave them or they’ll fall right through the potty seat.

Clock With Multiple Alarm Settings
Those writers who make words their lives forget about everything else. Now enters the need to schedule everything and set an alarm to it.
• Potty breaks
• Lunch
• Taking a drink of water
• Bathing—If not, then skip the next three
• Sex
• Wedding day—if you actually remember to go on a date
• Dates—Otherwise don’t worry about the previous three
If you are a serious writer then you will also need a portable alarm set for appropriate lengths of time after the Potty Break and Date breaks, and possibly the Wedding Day . . . Honeymoons do not require alarms, as long as they are not over 48 hours long.

Nair
This is for men and women writers. Shaving of anything takes too much time. Nair the hair or go super earthy. Unless you are Alan Moore you will not get away with the Sasquatch look.

See-Through Shower Door

With your imagination you will never come out of the shower for fear of what is on the other side of the curtain.

Shamwows
You’re a writer, you know why you need this and where you need this, and I’m not talking about geographical location. Men admit it you have Butt Sweats, get the Shamwow. Women . . . I read about . . . Chest(?) Sweats today. (Sorry I just could not type the other word.) (Why is it warm in here now? Should I include a fan on this list?)

Canaries
These are just in case either; a) the alarm clock does not work, or b) you ignore the alarm clock when it alerts you to shower time. If the Canary dies, it’s time for a shower. Miners used these things for a reason.

Dog
As a writer you’ll need someone who will love you no matter what. Cats are too smart and independent to love you just because you offer them a three day old piece of left out pizza. Plus if you smell like roadkill they will NOT come near you. A dog will still think you are the greatest thing ever since . . . that piece of pizza. Then of course they will intentionally lick your face lovingly after licking their butt. Dogs are sneaky little guys.

Plastic Flowers

Why? You need an alarm to tell

you to go Potty and have Sex

and you are asking why

Plastic Flowers?

A Clue
See Previous Need.

Ideas
If you are making lists of crazy things such a Canaries and Butt Sweat towels then you really need more ideas to write about.

Thus ends THIS list of the 10 Things Every Writer Needs But Never Thinks About. Keep them secret and take them to heart.

Much Respect

Ronovan “Fluffy Cushion” Writes

(I don’t need the cushion. Just saying.)

Spread this stuff everywhere!