Here-A Haiku and a message added. Please Read.

Oh for peace to be

Here among the clamoring,

I find loneliness.

Here a Haiku by Ronovan

Do you hear what he’s saying?



Ron_LWIRonovan is an author, and blogger who shares his life as an amnesiac and Chronic Pain sufferer though his blog RonovanWrites.WordPress.com. His love of poetry, authors and community through his online world has lead to a growing Weekly Haiku Challenge and the creation of a site dedicated to book reviews, interviews and author resources known as LitWorldInterviews.WordPress.com.

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@RonovanWrites

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This was written because of National Suicide Prevention Month. Thousands who die don’t die alone, they die around us. They call for help but we don’t know their language. Why? Because they’ve been made to feel as though there is something socially wrong and almost illegal about themselves. If they say they are depressed what happens to them? What happens at work? How does their family treat them or look at them? Do people ignore them with a “It’ll be alright.”?

For some of us we are lucky and have that one moment of clarity, that image that comes to our mind that pulls us back just in time. Not everyone has a boy “B”. Not everyone can be strong enough or maybe has fought for themselves hard enough to make it through. The above poem and image may not get the full effect I was going for, I may try again, but it tells you how we feel. All of the world around us, so close, so loud, but we feel all alone…and we don’t know why.

For some of you reading this, just think that you would never have met some great people if not for this blog. Perhaps a person has become very important to you that you met through a post or a challenge you found here.

Share this so people have an idea. We’re not crazy. But we are just out of step with something that will make us understand what is going on inside of us. And we call for help in different ways. Try to look, try to know your family, your friend. Know their language, in words, emotions, body. And when that language changes, find out why.

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#1000Speak Hello, nice to meet you . . . again.

1000 Voices Speak for Compassion.1000 voices speak for compassion

As I write this it’s the 19th and something nagged at me the 20th was a date I should know. I logged on to facebook and saw a 1000 Voices for Compassion update. It’s a group for bloggers that I think the name of speaks for itself. Now here I am writing. Good thing I joined the group at some point. Not sure when, but I did.

People forget all the time. People instantly think of Alzheimer’s patients when you start talking about memory problems. We’ve learned to have compassion for them.

But there are other reasons people forget. You have accidents that result in concussions, brain damage, and that can be a problem.

Have you ever wondered about people with amnesia? Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be an adult and not know 40 years worth of memories, people, history? Have you ever wondered how to deal with people like that? Probably not.

Let’s play pretend.

You look completely healthy. Actually you look healthier than before your accident. People look at you and have no clue anything is wrong. You might have to ask one of the simplest things you should know and people will think you are joking.

The responses range from a laugh and answer, to a curse and walking off. All you want to know is where the cooking oil is or which aisle the peanut butter is on.

Imagine if you will, walking in to a store and each time it is a brand new store, no matter how many times you walk in to the store. As far as you know have never been in that store.

Okay, let’s change that. Let’s say you wake up and you don’t know where you are. You look beside you and see a notebook that is opened to a page that says ‘Read Me’. Reading you now know your name, where you are, what is wrong with you, and how to find the restroom in the house because there is a hand drawn map on one of the pages you are told to read.

Imagine that is you every morning because not only do you have amnesia but you have short term memory problems as well.

Then you have to deal with people being mean to you. You are nice to everyone. You even cover your being afraid by joking with the cashier while the 70 year-old woman who drives you places is paying for the groceries.

Now imagine people you know, who talk to you each day, wanting you to be the exact person you were before. But you can’t. You don’t know how you became the person you were before. You want to be that person for those people and you search and search and you try to remember but the keys can’t be found.

Imagine the lack of understanding you have to deal with, even when told by the people they understand. Yes, you understand how the other people are frustrated because you can’t be the same. But what can you do about it? Can you make yourself remember and be the same? I guess that’s where the compassion comes in. Imagine the guilt you would have for not remembering. Imagine how you would see these people sad and looking at you to make things better and can’t. Imagine how the insides of you, the amnesiac are ripped apart each time that look is given, that word is said. Imagine how difficult it is for you to even face those situations that will rip them apart. Imagine the depression you would go through. Imagine how you would want it all to end.

All the things of your life that made you who you were and be the way you were and love the way you did have been forgotten—no, they have been taken away. What have they been replaced with? Opportunities for being made to feel like you are stupid and opportunities for guilt because you aren’t ABLE to act as you once did even if you do feel the same way.

Amnesiacs are a rare thing. They look healthy. They look normal. They are great actors. But they can’t do some of the simplest things due to no fault of their own. How many do you know?

Hello, my name is Ronovan. It says so on my notebook on my bed. Nice to meet you . . . again.

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By the Grace of God.

People often think they know a person. With celebrities we think we know every nuance of their lives from the fodder we’re fed through tabloid TV and media. No, this is not a hating on the media moment here.

I have gone through moments of vaguely liking or disliking Katy Perry and Taylor Swift. It seems you can only be in the camp of one and not the other. Two artists so linked by talent and artistry could be a force to reckoned with if they were to ever join together in a project. Perhaps.

But there is too much there at the moment to divide them. Today my focus is on Katy Perry. She went through this odd marriage to a man named Russell Brand. It seemed quite good for a time and then divorce. A great many people put the blame on Perry. Even those in this house are of that opinion. Or were until I stumbled upon this song a couple of katy perryweeks ago.

Some don’t know that Perry comes from a Minister’s home. That’s right, she’s a PK. A Preachers Kid. When you listen to this song she wrote you will hear the purity, the truth of her feelings. These aren’t just words. This is coming from a person truly understanding what she is singing about.

For one thing the song is about her marriage falling apart. She received a text message from Brand that they were divorcing. She thought of suicide. This is the one song about that relationship. She says any other lyrics you hear anywhere on other songs are coincidence. This is the one song that she wrote to get it out of her.

It’s a powerful song and has quickly become a favorite of mine. I am not a mainstream pop music listener normally. I dabble. After listening to this I listened to some of her other songs and she is truly a talent.

 

Was 27, surviving my return of Saturn
A long vacation didn’t sound so bad
Was full of secrets, locked up tight like Iron Mountain
Running on empty, so out of gas
 

Thought I wasn’t enough
Found I wasn’t so tough
Laying on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn’t take it anymore
 

(Chorus)

By the grace of God
There was no other way
I picked myself back up
I knew I had to stay
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror
And decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way
 

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning, there is no more mourning
Oh I can finally see myself again
 

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the Universe call the bluff
Yeah, the truth will set you free
 

(Chorus)

 

That way, no
That way, no
Not in the name of love
That way, no
That way, no
I am not giving up
 

By the grace of God
I picked myself back up
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror
 

(Chorus)

 

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The Best I Ever Had

I love a song. A beautiful song. It’s a remake of a Vertical Horizon song called  Best I Ever Had. The remake or cover is by country artist Gary Allan. As with any song the lyrics can take on the meaning you give to them. I often focus on the title words Best I Ever Had. But the song is a painful song, and perhaps that is why I connect to it. I hear the loss in Gary Allan’s voice, the pain, the sincerity that only he could give to this song.

Gary Allan went downstairs to get his wife a Coke that she asked for because she said she felt sick. Minutes later he heard a pop. He returned to the bedroom to find she had removed a gun from his gun safe under the bed and committed suicide. I prefer not to go into the details.

It took Allan some time to get to a place where he could really deal with it all and this was the song he recorded. Some looked at it in the beginning as some strange change in his style and had issues with it. I did not even know who he was but the song hit me.

Best I Ever Had can be given to so many different things. The obvious being love.

As I was finding a song to share today and came across this many old things came to mind. One in particular was the day I dropped the family off after church. It was the worst time of my adult life and the sermon that day hit me. I drove. I had no idea of what was to happen, but I needed to get away and be alone. I had not had time alone to deal with a situation that had occurred, a  life changing situation.

The happy face

Had to be in place

An no one was the wiser

I went driving. I said I went to a local park but it was closed for that time of the year. I just drove. Finding an empty parking lot I stopped and sat there. I didn’t break down and release it all. Thoughts came to mind of failure, disappointment and how things would be better and solved if I just came up with the final solution. But then the little face came to mind.

When I was in the hospital this past year after a fall in my home, I remembered a little face. A little face that led me through all the strangeness and confusion. Small faces help so often to keep us in reality and force our selfishness away.

I still have those moments every day of failure. I have forgiven myself for the life changing situation but I have also given the message to never let me drive off alone when remotely depressed. I have a grasp on reality for now, I know it, I am okay with it, and thus I am fine.

This song as I’ve learned of its meaning for Gary Allan adds to the beauty of it. In this song Allan gives the Best HE Ever Had in a vocal performance. For me this song means every possible meaning, even in a way a happy meaning. Yes, you can give it that if you look at it  that way, as that was my original intent in sharing it.

I don’t want people to think there is anything wrong or that I am looking for attention, I am simply sharing a story of my life with you. Hoping that part of me helps a part of someone that might be reading.

 

So you sailed away into a grey sky morning
Now I’m here to stay, love can be so boring
And nothing’s quite the same now
I just say your name now

But it’s not so bad
You’re only the best I ever had
You don’t want me back
You’re just the best I ever had

So you stole my world, now I’m just a phony
Remembering the girl leaves me down and lonely
We’ll send it in a letter
Make yourself feel better

But it’s not so bad
You’re only the best I ever had
You don’t want me back
You’re just the best I ever had

And it might take some time to patch me up inside
But I can’t take it so I, I run away and hide
And I might find in time that you were always right
You’re always right

So you sailed away into a grey sky morning
Now, I’m here to stay, love can be so boring
Was it what you wanted?
Could it be I’m haunted?

But it’s not so bad
You’re only the best I ever had
You don’t want me back
You’re just the best I ever had
You’re just the best I ever had

Much Respect

Ronovan

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