Dating

Relationship Advice-Man phrasing.

Ronovan Humor , , , ,

For those reading today, please keep in mind there is a bit of humor in the truth of the situations I will be sharing.

Sometimes there are moments in a man’s life when he just doesn’t know what to say. Some of us know in those moments to do the obvious . . . shut up. And then there are the other 90% of our gender. It doesn’t matter who your partner is, the male brain still has this innate ability to say the wrong things, even after deep, deep consideration–for those two seconds before opening mouth.

 

” Are you ready?”

To many men reading today they are thinking “What’s wrong with that?” Your significant one has a brand new shirt on and you don’t know if that means ready or not. They are wearing their ‘around the house’ clothes and you don’t realize it. You have just admitted your lack of attention and you are also coming across as impatient.

The alternative?

“Do I need to get ready yet?”

or even better

“Give me a 10 minute warning for when I need to get ready.”

That’s right. Have your clothes ready or even already be ready and the only thing left are perhaps shoes or getting your keys and jacket/coat.

“What’s for dinner?”

Yeah, you did it that time. You are assuming they will be making dinner. Perhaps that isn’t what you meant, but that’s what you just said.

The alternative?

“What sounds good for dinner tonight?”

At this point suggestions are made and possibly a division of cooking assignments are volunteered for.

“Did you . . .”

I wont even finish that one. Anytime you begin a sentence, a question with “Did you”, a mistake has been made. You are now about to make an accusation of forgetfulness. I know, I know that is not what you were going after but that is what is heard. Be honest, don’t you feel that way when it is said to you?

The alternative?

Depending on what it is, check for yourself if whatever it is was done. If not something you can check on then tread lightly.

All I can say here is ask a question that depends on whatever it is having been done.  For example; perhaps you are planning a trip to the mountains and all that is being waited on is the car being serviced. You could go to the car and check to see if it has been, look for a receipt, or even call the place where it would have been done, but if you are still not that motivated then perhaps this will work for you;

“Do you want to go to the mountains this weekend?”

I was going to add, “before the leaves have fallen” but that would have implied pressure to have something done. In this day and age none of us wants that.

“Is that okay with you?

Seems harmless enough but it implies the “This is what I want and I expect you to agree” thing.

The alternative?

“What do you think?”

I know, you are opening up a huge range of possibilities, or just two that you care about. Your way or their way, which would be any other way but your own. Well that’s when you have to learn.

Just a few of those phrases I’ve learned over the years. Some might help. Put some variation in it or they will know what you are doing as you answer or speak the same way each time.

Ronovan

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Things We Wish We Asked On A First Date #FemaleFocusFriday

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You know you’ve all been there, that first day and you go through the same old same old routine. You talk about the people you both know, about the movie you are about to see, maybe a couple of other things. You try not to embarrass yourself while eating the chips and salsa as the chips break apart and fly everywhere. The night comes to a close and it’s time for that end of date routine; kiss or not, call me or not.  Meanwhile things have been left out of the evening that are so so important that would help everyone make some good decisions.

Book with Question Mark

Things We Wish We Asked On A First Date

 

Do you have an arrest record?

You ever been months into a relationship and discovered that special person in your life has a court date coming up that might send them away for a few years? Not that I would know anything about this one.

 

Do you have any STDs?

What? If you are on a date then you should consider the possible outcomes short term or long term. Sex happens, even not the all the way kind that can still make you regret later on. I mean seriously, a crab dinner should be at the restaurant, not left overs you discover the next day. I just thought never thought about why she went to ‘that’ doctor every month.

 

How much do you make a year?

Your date is looking nice. Oh yeeeaaaahhhh. Who did they borrow the clothes from and the car? They living over the parent’s garage? You want to know what the real deal is now not after the wedding. Oh and don’t get hooked up because of earning potential, because let me tell you, that one never works out. Not that I have ever done that, just that I know the earning thing doesn’t always pan out.

 

Do you have kids?

There’s nothing wrong with having kids, just tell the person up front. In my much much younger days I dated a woman with kids. Not a big deal. Just need to know is all. Especially would have been nice to know about the older one . . . by the first husband. We’ll get into that more later.

 

Do you snore when you sleep?

This is one that is difficult to find out normally. Sure, you may even be having sex with someone but there is a good chance they head home afterwards, even if it is the apartment next door, leaving you and your roommate to make up the bed. And ladies, don’t be lookin’ at the men alone on this one. There’s a major drag strip near my house that is on national TV often and can be felt and heard miles and miles away. Just sayin’ some things can drown it out.

 

What’s your father/mother look like?

Your date is hot, but what will they look like down the line? I know that’s not a question anyone should ever even think of because it’s a bit shallow but I had to come up with something, and I tell you there are some that look one way now and in 20 years will look totally different. Again not a big deal, but for some it might be a thing.

 

Do you shave everything?

Yeah, I said it. Men if you are reading this, it’s not just a question we might want to ask. You think you like things a certain way, well perhaps the ladies like things to be a little neater as well. Just sayin’. Yeah, I know. they like their men to be men but men can . . . well, ladies comment on this if you like.

 

What’s your top three favorite sexual positions you would like to try?

This might seem like a bad question but it’s not. One of you may be more into sex than the other. This could legitimately cause some issues down the line, and quickly once the sexual aspect of the relationship begins. At first I put this one down as a joke but then as I thought about it, it’s  a lot more serious than one might think.

What are you like pre-mentrual?

First of all, I was given this question. I never even thought of it. And it was given to me by a woman. I won’t even go into the whys the need to know but I think on the flip side men might should be asked what they are like after their sport team loses.

Did your mother/father cheat on your father/mother?

A serious question. There can be a pattern in families. My own bio-father was  not a good man. I have done everything I could through my life to be as opposite of him as I could.  But things can always sneak up on you without notice. So this isn’t a bad question.  If you were afraid of this question you could also ask . . . well y’all get to comment with your own questions later, so I’ll the options open.

Are you married or hooked up already?

Duh, right? This should never have to be an issue but it is. Okay, I know situations can be different in each relationship, but regardless of what kind of marriage, be it a platonic or traditional one, the date would like to know because that’s some serious junk to deal with. The date has to determine if it’s a deal breaker or not. Just imagine you are at the dates apartment, it’s quiet and dark, and then lights hit the windows from a car pulling up. The date jumps up and yells “My spouse is home.” Your first reaction is well I don’t say those words any longer, I mean I can imagine what a date might say. But the sad part is, what if that was the first date? Put it this way, that would be the last date. Just sayin’.

That’s it for my part of this list of questions, now it’s up to y’all.

What questions can you come up with? Share them in the comments below, and if we have enough, I’ll put out  a reader list early next week of your contributions.

Much Respect

Ronovan

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FemaleFocusFriday: What I NEED to know about ROMANCE from WOMEN!

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Oh Laaaadies! Holla if ya heeeeaaarrrr meee!

I have no idea why I did that but it just came to mind as I started to type. Could you imagine living with me never knowing what to expect next? I’ve asked a range of advice questions for y’all before on some many things but today . . . a rarity is occurring. Ronovan . . . is . . .

UP-squirrel-dog-animated-gif

 

 

 

. . . focusing.

 

How to ask you Out In Person, Phone Call, or Text Message

That’s right ladies it’s

ROMANCE DAY!!!!

(Yes I can feel the sizzle now. And strangely I like it. Who brought jumper cables?)

romance_Bullock

Oh yeah, focus, Ronovan . . . focus. Be the romance to be the romance. Philosophically that makes sense to me but in print it looks rather odd. Much like my photo. Hmm. Oh yeah, focus. So in person, on the phone or . . . yeah Kelly done told us about the third one.

no_texting_date_kelly_Rowland

I just want to make it clear that I obviously don’t really need help in this area, ahem, but my men friends might appreciate some advice.

Blue Jeans or Slacks/Pants or Saggin’ & Draggin’

What do you want your date to dress in? I know, I know, you’re going to say it depends if you are going to a rodeo or some other place. Let’s pick some other place for this. No Bostonian leather shoes and double breasted suit at the poop palooza. You don’t want to be seen with a dork. I get it. Okay so I know which one you might do away with automatically. Unless the mood is a bit other than romantic and well . . .

saggin_and_draggin

Natural Musk, Cologne, or Duck Commander Date Repellent

You know, it’s a difficult question for us. Seriously. What if you are allergic or asthmatic? What if and what if? We don’t want to be in the middle of  a date and have to rush you to an emergency room, that would just waste of the all you can eat taco buffet at the Huddle House Mexican Night. I am guessing here, just guessing which one you would say no to.

He_Just_Peed_On_Me(And if anyone knows of an all you can eat Taco Mexican Night at Huddle House, please let me know. I can get frog legs at the local convenience store. I kid you not.)

 

Flowers or Nothing or What

Maybe it’s an old fashion thing to ask, but what would you call Romantic or even would like to see happen? We might think of flowers and then freeze at the thought you might be allergic or hate the flowers we pick out. Then if we bring nothing do we look like a cheapskate? Then what if we brought some alternatives? Like maybe a cat toy?

cat_squirrel

Car, Truck, or Something Else

Now when considering this you need to consider other options like where you want to go on the date and do you want to climb up in the muck hauler or ride in the over compensating mobile or do you want to get a work out in the something else? Considering the attention some women put on calorie intake I am not certain about discounting number three, if it were disguised perhaps as as pedal car.

foot_power_car

Candle Lit Dinner or Picnic in the Park or Do Ya Want Fries Wid Dat

Now that is unless he’s dead broke, it’s the anniversary of your first date ever and he’s recreating it, or you just don’t care and want to be with each other because that’s where the true romance is at. Taco Bell served me well in those early days. I think I know we can probably rule out number three as being Romantic. See even that guy agrees.

RonaldSlap

Dancing, No Dancing or Whatever

This one might be a little difficult because of various situations. For one, even if women can’t dance they can dance. But men when they dance, well. They think they dance like this . . .

dancing_spin

But in reality dance like this . . .

nerd_dance_giphy

Kiss Good Night, Hand Shake, Or Something Else

We have come to the end of the evening, I know . . . I know . . .  there are some steps missing like a stroll along aromantically lit street that seems to transport you back in time, or a classic movie being shown special on the big screen, or a concert that is difficult to ge t tickets for. Then of course perhaps coffee or something and the ride home.

Now we  come to the second most important moment of the second most important moment of the night. The kiss . . .  oh the most important? Well how to handle going to the potty, especially if it’s number 2. How romantic is that? But you asked.

There are people out there who still live with their parents. It doesn’t matter what age the dat eis, they live at home for some reason. A kiss? Okay, a soft, tender but intent kiss is a good start if you mean it. Or a lingering gentle hand shake, bu the there is the one that probably mean can relate to . . . The father inquisition . . .

baby-oil-slap

Men need to know what you expect. It would be nice if their were  a manual but so many of you are different. So I want to hear from you. I mean I reiterate that I PERSONALLY don’t need in the help in the romance department if you know what I mean but there are some out there that do. What are your answers? We NEED to KNOW!!!!

Cause all I got are . . .

free_shrugs

ron_bloglovin2

Much Respect

Romance Man

Ronovan

(Yeah, I could have given the guys the word but you know, I can’t be sharin’ my secrets. Anyone seen my Atari 2600 Joy Stick? It’s my turn to play Frogger. Freakin’ Alligator.)

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10 Things Women Need To Know About Men

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I see lists about ‘How to Know Your Man’ and ‘How to Make Your Man Happy in Bed or Anywhere Else’ and I wonder sometimes if even the ones by men are really nom de ploomers for 12 year old girls working for tickets to Judson Beader concerts.

 

Why do I say that?

 

I am so glad you asked. Let me tell you . . .

 

Things Women Need To Know About Men

 

Just remember that these are all based on my own opinions and what I have observed. Which are observations and which are my own personal opinions you will most likely know if you have read my site much. Enjoy and please, don’t kill the writer.

 #10

Men Sulk and Pout

man_face_down_on_couch.jpg

Ladies, I know it is difficult to believe that we men who scream at TVs during sporting events do this but yes . . .  we internalize things. We prefer you think we are insane or mentally deranged rather than discuss it. Pizza . . . Tacos . . . Game Systems . . . Shooting things filled with glow in the dark stuff at night? Sure, but talking–no. We’re not mad at you. We’re not ignoring you. Just let us sulk and we get over it faster. The longer we are talked to and asked about it the longer it takes to get over. Let us pout. Do you really want to hear about the long awful day we had at work? Do you really?

 

 

 #9

Don’t ask Don’t Tell

spaghetti_junction_atlanta.jpg

Ladies, you know those times when you ask us ‘what do you think?’ I’ll be point blank honest here. Perhaps I am honest because I don’t have the degrees for Creative Writing and all of that to tell the truth in a more creative way, just a degree History Education and writing tons of research papers. Or maybe it’s the concussion thing. My one year anniversary is coming up by the way. My imaginary self and I will be eating at an all you can eat Taco and Chinese buffet in No Calorieville. I hope you will join us. But here it is…ready?

If you already know what the answer that  you want is, don’t ask us. We don’t know what to do. Do we be honest, or give you the answer you want? You say be honest . . . but is that ALWAYS true?

Examples:

“Is this shirt too tight?”

 

Okay, the male brain has now seized up as traffic has swarmed in the form of Spaghetti Junction in Atlanta, GA at 5 PM on a Friday before a three day holiday weekend.

 

  • Yes, it’s too tight because it shows off your breasts too much to other people.
  • I love that she has incredible breasts and I am proud she’s mine, eat your heart out boys.
  • She’s asking if she’s gained weight. Oh no, what do I do?
  • She’s asking if she’s gained weight. Do I tell her no because if I say yes then she will think I think she’s put on weight?
  • Man she looks good. How long will it take to get that thing of. (I hope she isn’t wearing a bra, I have no idea how those hooks work.)

 

You may not realize the male mind does this on its own without the participation of the male itself and all in the span of 1.01 seconds. Then the male enters into the picture and uses knowledge and common sense. You read that right. And you wonder why we get in to so much trouble with this one.

 

“Baby, those twins look outrageous. Mmm Mmm Mmm! You fine, girl.”-Either the young guy with no clue or the older over the hill midlife crisis male who is reliving his unsuccessful young guy days.

 

“I like it, but honestly honey, I love your body, and I love the fact men know how great your body is. Men are going to be staring at you enough as it is because of those kill me eyes and that beautiful smile.”-Mature, experienced male with common sense in use. Men, only use this one if you are sincere. Seriously. Customize to fit what you find amazing about the beauty of your woman.

 

“I don’t know, whatever.”-Moron alert and future divorce case.

 

 

 

 #8

No opinion

man_shrugging.jpg

Sometimes we really don’t have an opinion about something, especially if it has nothing to do with us or we just don’t know anything about it. Also there are times we are just that laid back and are like go with the flow. No, we are not always that indecisive . . . we just don’t have an opinion or we just like your opinion. Imagine that, huh? Did I say that out loud? No. Whew, awesome. There is another reason, we’re lazy and just don’t want to think. I’m serious. Even me, the one that is always thinking, I get to that point where I can answer what I want on my sandwich; ham or turkey.

 

 

 

 #7

Sure, Okay & Fine

 

This was is so whatever that I couldn’t even come up with an image for it Guess what? You’ve heard us say those words and you don’t believe us. Well guess what again? Some of us actually mean it. Shocking I know. But rather than speak in sentences with all those parts of speech, we use the efficient one word answer to get back to what we were doing and/or avoid saying something to either a) make you mad or b) causing a lengthier discussion that will eventually lead into our getting into some sort of trouble which would lead to . . .

 

 

 #6

Gifts are NOT for buying Forgiveness

man_giving_roses_and_candy.jpg

We give you flowers, candy, a gift card to Home Depot for supplies for your favorite little homemade fish pond and you think we are trying to buy you off instead of saying we’re sorry. That is our saying we’re sorry. We’re not buying you off, we’re talking. We’ve been trained not to say we’re sorry or show emotions. Emotions are a weakness. Instead we do something else, like buy you something nice to say we’re sorry for spending so much on the credit card bill.

 

 #5

Sometimes we really are staring off into space and not at the server.

woman_pulling_mans_tie.jpg

When we’re out to dinner, we’re not always checking out the server in the required form fitting, skin tight black pants. (I wonder about that at times. Isn’t that like really a bad thing to have as a requirement?) We’re actually sometimes either a) tired and staring off into space not even knowing where we are looking or b) bored at the third time in the last hour you’ve talked about the same thing at work that’s ticked you off. My apologies for that second one, I know we do the same thing, but ladies, you are so much more intelligent than we are, perhaps leading by example would make the old dogs learn new tricks.

Sure we listen, we care, but after 2 or 3 times . . . we get it, you get it, the server in the skin tight black pants gets it. If we reacted indignant at what happened and acted like we were going to do something, you would then tease us or call us an idiot and say that it is only a little thing and you don’t want to cause any problems because it’s a great job. Huh?

 

 #4

We Like Chick flicks.

man_crying.jpg

You read that right. Just don’t ask us about it. Don’t give us a choice. Just say you want to go to that movie Saturday night. We need the excuse. I mean really, at the end of Armageddon when Bruce Willis is saying goodbye to his daughter, didn’t you notice the man in your life tearing up?

 

 

 #3

We Like to Smell Pretty

man_in bubble_bath_happy.jpg

When you go to the store and shop, because you know if you don’t everyone you love will die from hunger because they may have some mental block about like grocery shopping, buy us the nice smelling soaps.  We like to smell good and you like us to smell good. Don’t give us the chance to be macho and go for the unscented, floats in water soap. We’re old enough to be more concerned about smelling nice rather than sinking battleships.

 

 

#2

We Don’t Think About Megan Fox During Sex

ear_plugs.jpg

In the middle of sex, do you want to know what we’re thinking? It all depends on the situation. We are focused on how it feels and either a) praying we don’t end the session early or b) hoping we can keep going with that pain in the back before it ruins the moment.

But I am sure some men do think about things. Like earplugs for those who don’t like the overzealous screamer. There are screamers and then there are fire alarms. Screamers are fine, just saying but a lot of focus goes into those fire alarm moments. I mean really, I appreciate appreciation but well sometimes . . . you know?

So, no, no Megan Fox or anyone else for most of us. We’re just enjoying the feel of things.

 

 

#1

The Final Thing, and the one you’ve been waiting for . . .How to Make Us Happy In Bed.

man_and_woman_cuddling.jpg

How to make us happy in bed? It’s a simple thing really or is it? The idea most things you read about is show up, get naked and the man is happy. Maybe that works for some, but ladies let me clue you in on something. We like the heart behind the happening. A woman could be the worst technical lover to ever exist but can satisfy a man she loves and loves her back because he feels her intent and heart behind it. So it’s not just about showing up and trying to be sexy.

Yeah, I know, if that were true with all men then prostitution wouldn’t be a business. Porn would not be a business. But give me heart and you get me . . . never mind that . . . umm.

 

~~~~~~~~

Now I know that a lot of the above has to do with communication and that some ladies love to communicate and men just don’t and that is a huge problem. I am not condoning or excusing the above, I am just telling you the truth of what is reality. Sure some of us try to do better but failures occur. I like to understand things. Tell me things so I don’t interpret something wrong. I want to learn from whatever is happening. But once I know and you know I know . . . as I said above, don’t blame me for staring at the wall.

Anyway, that’s it for today, my Feature for Female Focus Friday here at RonovanWrites. I love Fridays. For all my Friends that might read this, please tell me what things you think?

And ladies if there are things you would like to know my opinion on . . . let me know. I would love to share . . .  I really would. That would be awesome, and maybe some of your questions will be answered next Friday in a Female Focus Friday Feature.

 

Until next time,

Much Respect and Admiration

Ronovan

 

 

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There is no ‘Let’ in Love

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“I let you love me.Romantic Silhouette Tizard Images“

 

“I let you into my world.”

 

“I let you determine our lives.”

 

Everyone, I want to say . . .

 

There is no ‘Let’ in Love

 

Also, there is no Allow . . . in Love. Letting someone do something is a phrase that has always rubbed me the wrong way, or so I believe. I know it does now, because when I find myself writing the word let or hopefully catch myself, I cringe and must examine why the word let is being used. As with everyone who is conditioned in this society of letting and allowing, those phrases slip through even when we are looking for them, so forgive me if you find them.

 

I wrote an article a bit of time back called ‘Don’t ALLOW people to control YOU’. Allowing is a bad word, just like letting. You allow and let things happen to you that are in your control that are possibly not good for you.

 

You let me fall in love with you?

You have no choice in the matter.

You let me into your world?

I am in the world already, I just found you in it.

You let me determine our lives?

No, you say yes or no and determine your own life.

 

 

You let a child have a cookie. You cannot ‘let’ someone feel.

 

Then what is it we do with love or at least what am I driving at? Love is acceptance of things as they are. If you are with someone and find out you want to change certain non life threatening things about them or they want to change you . . . yes there may still be love but it is not THE love.

 

Perhaps you are not a fan of certain types of movies, TV shows, music, or foods. You do not ‘let’ the other person enjoy those things. When you realized you were in love with them and then expressed that to them, you then ‘accepted’ them as they ARE. That is part of what makes them who they are. Why want to change what brought you to them in the first place?

 

Do not enter a relationship thinking about a change occurring later on. The only thing that will change is the end of the relationship or the straining of one to the point of years of miserable.

 

I love you, I am in love with you, I give you my love; these are the phrases of love. In none of those phrases does the word let fit. In none of those feelings does the word let fit.  In none of those phrases is permission being asked. Perhaps you will reject the phrases, but believe me when I say that the speaker of those words will continue on regardless of what you say.

 

In conclusion if you find yourself thinking the words you are letting the person in your life do something, rethink it. Are you letting or are you loving? Are you letting or are you accepting?

 

I have been brief today. If you need more explanation then let me know.

 

For all of you lovers reading, is it let or is it love?

 

Other articles in the future will deal with what you do ‘Let’ happen and ‘Change’ for love.

 

Until then,

Much Respect & Much Love

Ronovan

 

 

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Female Focus Friday: Things Men Need to Know About . . . The When and Why to Shut Up . . . During a Vent

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Guys, take it from me, the man who knows . . . Women want us to Shut Up.

 

Not a major revelation, since I imagine most of us have heard those words, or close to them . . . a few times. But I’m not talking about those times when you . . .

  • Are about to announce the name you’ve picked out for your child that you promised not to mention to anyone.  (This usually is also  accompanied by a bruised shin that occurs from underneath the restaurant table.)
  • Or when you start telling that joke in front of her parents you just know is wrong. (Yes, never tell the mother-in-law the joke about the Secret Service discovering who peed the words The President Sucks in the snow outside the White House. Yes, being OJ Simpson at the time was funny, and yes it being in the First Ladies handwriting was also funny. But still . . .)
  • Or when you are about to tell your mother the truth about what your wife thinks of one of your mother’s specialty meals. (See results of the first type of shut up moment.)

No, I’m talking about the truly important times to shut up. Bruises will heal. Some scarring may occur, depending on the shoes worn or the length of the nails as they dig into your hand if a kick is not available. There are things worse, much . . .  much worse.

 

So let me give you . . .

 

Things Men Need to Know About . . . The When and Why to Shut Up . . . During a Vent

lemmon_mcclain

First you need to know that whatever the stage of the relationship, they have to let things out sometimes. If you read all those magazines and watch all those talk shows like Oprah you will know pretty quick that “They are like  Stars” and “We are like a . . .” well it rhymes with Venus. At least that’s how it seems when it comes to handling those talk times. We are insensitive. At least that’s how we’re portrayed. We’re not insensitive. We’re just not trained right.

FGdogsleep WAKE UP! This is important. Pay attention.

You know the talk times I am talking about. She’s had a bad day, and she needs to talk, and you half mindedly listen and give your advice on how to handle the situation. Before long you realize that either 1) you are alone in the room, b) you are being glared at, or the most likely 3rd) you don’t notice a thing and keep talking as you watch the game assuming you have done something amazingly helpful.

 

Men if you are reading this and you identify with the first two or believe she was happily listening as you spouted wisdom between screams at the coach on TV for his bad play calling and crunches of nachos while still advice spouting then I advise you to keep reading.

 

The scenario:

You walk into the room and your Significant One does NOT look happy. She doesn’t give you the ‘what the frilly hoohaa have you done this time’ look, so you start breathing again. Now you do the only correct thing of the next several minutes to two hours that you will do. You ask, “What’s wrong honey?”

 

She will do of two things:

  • She will say nothing is wrong, and you will either stupidly accept that, or you will rightly be sensitive and ask her what is really wrong, knowing you will probably regret it, but you love her and must continue.
  • Or she will immediately begin telling you what is wrong without any further prompting.

 

 

Now we enter the ‘Shut Up Zone’. Men, I know it’s difficult, but in time you learn. At times you will forget, but for the majority of the time you will make your life easier. Follow these basic rules of ‘Listening to your Significant One Vent’.

 

The Reasons you need to Shut Up are . . .

 

#1

. . . so you can listen. Listening accomplishes a lot of things.

  1. You need to know what is actually going on for the test later. (The test will be unannounced and at any moment within the next 2 days to 55 years.)
  2. Another reason is to know when she is actually speaking specifically to you. If she pauses and stares at you, you best be ready with, an “of course, you’re right”.

 

#2

. . . so you can remember not to give advice. Men, the Significant One does not want your advice. If they wanted advice they would call their mother or their best friend, neither of which you are. Oh, you think you are her best friend?

Men, we like to think that. We may even believe that. But the truth is, once you become the Significant One’s other  there is a change in the dynamic. There are things that can no longer be said or shared for fear of hurting our masculine pride. Don’t believe me? Okay, your significant other is thinking of Johnny Depp while kissing you. And that ‘mmm’ sound, was not meant for you. How do you feel now? Point made.

 

#3

. . . so you can remember not to try and solve the problem. Men, they don’t need us to solve their problems. In fact if you listen well enough, you may realize there is no problem. We are the ones that created the mythical problem by asking what the problem was. In reality there probably wasn’t a ‘problem’. They just need to vent. If you do not ‘Shut Up’ you will then create a . . .

Wait for it.

 

. . .  BIGGER problem . . . YOU. As for solving a problem, if they want us to help they will ask us to help. (A secret, they usually don’t need any ‘help’. Yeah, like I said, just shut up.)

 

#4

. . . so you can tell when the vent is over. Men, you’ve listened well, but have you paid attention. The vent is over and you are sitting there staring at her. This will lead to a couple of dangerous possibilities;

  1. It is assumed you were not paying attention and zoned out,
  2.  Or your opinion may be asked, although only on a rare occasion.

Do not, I repeat, do NOT give an opinion. Agree and say that you totally agree. I REPEAT, DO NOT GIVE AN OPINION!

“But DUDE, she ASKED FOR MY OPINION!”

“DUDE, SHE IS ASKING YOU TO AGREE!!!”

 

#5

. . . so you cannot ask questions. Men, shut up and just listen. Don’t ask a question because you will do one of two things;

  1. Make her mad that you interrupted
  2. Or you will send her off onto another vent before she comes back to the main vent

I repeat . . . Shut Up.

How will you know the vent is over? I will make this simple for the moment, although this could be an entire article of its own.

  1. Know the Significant One’s body language
  2. Listen to the voice for a change in pitch
  3. Finally notice the vein is no longer protruding wherever it protrudes and the shoulders are no longer up around the ears from tension and the hands have stopped waving

You may ask, “Ronovan, how do you come by these freshwater pearls of wisdom. ”

Oh young grasshopper mint cookie. Though the waters may appear calm, even this tiny grain of sand in the great ocean of the male population irritates. You either become a pearl, or you are spit out.

 

As for the Significant Ones reading this today, I ask, are there other reasons to add to the “Shut Up” list? Please advise. We really need to know.

 

The ever Needy and

Much Respectful

Ronovan

 

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Five things men fear on first dates.

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You’re on a date and you are stressed beyond belief. It’s like that first time and you just have no idea what’s going to happen. You just keep praying that you don’t do anything . . . stupid.

Stupid around my house is a bad word. We say silly instead. But really one word is as bad as another if you know what it is supposed to really stand for. No freakin’ way will I say that crap word again.

Anyway, for a guy what can you do that’s so bad on a first date, or really any date for that matter, but that first date is the one you have to impress. The rest of your time with her she realizes you’re a guy and you do guy things, so you get a pass card. And no I don’t mean that kind of pass . . . or that one either. Eww.

What do we fear?

Five Things Men Fear on First Dates

by: Ronovan

Pit Sweats

Man with sweat under arms
Guys, be honest, they are;

The dreaded stains,

That cause you chest pains.

You have options here men.
• Date only in winter and never wear a coat, jacket, or sweater
• Duct tape bath clothes to your pits
• Or be sensible and wear a t-shirt

But the truth is, none of those ideas occur to us until it’s the end of July and we’re standing outside her door and that trickle starts down the back of the neck. You just know what’s going to be next. Back sweats? Okay you can get away with that, she’ll understand. But then you drive and move your arm and the air hits and . . . you know it has happened.

That freezing cold feeling hits that damp pit cloth of the shirt and you begin to sweat more and wonder if she would question stopping at a local Quik Trip convenience store while you air dry your pits with the hand dryer in the restroom. Then you begin to worry she thinks you have other problems.

 

 

Bad Breath

Man with Bad breath and woman with Gas mask on
You leave the house and you are like, “It’s all good.” Then you start singing to the radio. Something begins to smell.

You’re at her driveway. She’s sitting on the porch swing and sees you. You have no way out. You pull in and scrounge for anything.

And then you find it, that melted plastic wrapped piece of peppermint candy that is now pink from where the food coloring has fun together from who knows how many years of living in the cup holder under that Taco Bell napkin.

The plastic will not release. She’s stopped swinging and now is staring. Yes, you do it. In goes the candy, plastic and all and you . . . chew. You have to get out of the car because she’s coming. She’s worried about you. Oh no, you can’t get rid of the plastic or she’ll see and then your hands are covered in sticky 3,000 year old candy sugar.

Yep, you swallow the plastic.

 

 

Bats in the Cave

Bat Cave street sign
It happens to everyone, even her. But men, you know it’s going to happen on that date.

You can even feel it happening. The tickle starts. You breathe and hear that slight noise and feel it moving.

You start breathing through your mouth slightly. But then she’ll think you’re a mouth breather. You try for the distraction and the big sniff to move that thing up. Or maybe you find a way to rub your nose in the hopes of it settling into place.

Then one of two things happens. You’re in the moment, the kiss could happen. She has those melt you in your shoes eyes looking up at you and her eyes go from yours to your lips then . . . you got it. Her eyes moves slightly upward as the bat begins to say hello.

Is that the worst thing? Nope. Same situation and then Bat Cave Bomb Away, you got it, the boogie done left the building and it only has one place to go.

 

 

Nose Hair

 Man with long nose hair smiling
Related to the Bat Cave situation are the Nasal Follicles.

I know the Good Lord designed them to help us out, after all if not for them all those Bats in the Cave matter would be in our lungs, but for goodness sake, trim the vines before the date.

Men if you are headed to the date and you are in your car, look in the mirror. No, you don’t have the nose hair trimmers with you. Yes ladies, we do have those. Mine are burgundy. Now guys if you look in the mirror and see Tarzan swinging it’s desperate measure time.

Yes, you have to pull them out. I heard the ouch. I feel your pain. Seriously, I’ve been there. Just go for it and yank Tarzan and Cheetah both out and hope the tears are gone before you get to Jane.

 

 

B.O. Bomb

A smiling man holds out a yellow flower to a woman wearing a gas mask. Could represent allergies,asthma, pollution or even body odor!
Well men we finally come to the most dreaded one of all. All the others we can try to avoid and take care of. But when it comes to the body odor, well, what can I say? It stinks.

Some men keep deodorant in their car. Nice. Some even keep cologne. Not going to work. If you are like most men, you’re in trouble.

There are four options available at this point if you are in her driveway:
1. Grab the jacket in the back seat and wear it all night, even in late July at the ball game. Yeah, Pit Sweats combined with the B.O Bomb. Nice. Then you begin breathing heavy and the plastic peppermint quits working and you feel that piece of plastic still stuck in your teeth.
2. The car deodorizer might work. Chemical hazard? Yes. Worth a kiss on the first date? Yep.
3. Asking to borrow her bathroom and using her deodorant. It’s one way to be sure but you better keep it a secret.
4. Keep as far apart from her as you think is the safe smell limit. One problem with this is . . . no second date. You can either get close and get the rep as Señor Stinko with all of her friends who you also know, or become known as General Germaphobia. Take your pick.

 

Well, there you have them, and that’s just 5 of our fears. You didn’t know we had them, did you ladies? You thought our only worries were how expensive you were going to order and if we were going to get to first base or farther. Oh, and some of you men didn’t know you had to worry about all of that? Welcome to reality.

If you really want something that will freak you out, and this really happened, check out “When toots let loose. . . “ or what I call “A College Girls Gas Confession” at my fellow blogger’s site A College Girl’s Confessions. I swear, I’m not making this up.

 

Men AND women, do you care to share some of your MOMENTS on dates? Come on, you know you want to. Put a comment in.

Much Respect
Apparently Hygiene Deficient Ronovan

 

1st Image Credit: gettyimages© Original Photo by Laurence Monneret/The Image Bank

2nd Image Credit: gettyimages© Original Photo by Don Bayley/E+

4th Image Credit: gettyimages© Original Photo by sturti-E+ Man

5th Image Credit: gettyimages© Original Photo by Don Bayley/Vetta Man

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