Outlasting?

Man in pain beside poem on right.

Stuck in a rut with no way out.

Opening my mouth but you can’t hear me shout.

Locked here in this world alone with my doubt.

Directions to safety keeps telling me to reroute.

My positivity has been my fingertip of hope.

Lately I’ve been sounding more like a garbage eating billy goat.

I keep slipping and sliding up and down a well traveled slope.

My plans so sabotaged I feel on the verge of a Virginia Woolf note.

The love for life counted down till it came.

And all those blissful imaginings… went up in a flame.

The clock hit zero and that pain I’ve held back…my brain is lame.

My mind limps and stumbles with fatigue and shame.

To change the world takes so much of your light.

You pull yourself up but find you haven’t enough fight.

You claw at limbs to see the white light.

Try as you may you just don’t have the might.

I still hang on to one thin strand.

Feeling the whole time that I wait on grains of sand.

My heart burns and it aches with each weak demand.

When I last close my eyes I hope to be in a new land.

Share it, don’t wear it.

First of all, THIS IS NOT A SELF SEEKING PITY POST! I am simply sharing as therapy here. I share to let others see that we are all the same and have the same things happen or similar things happen. Even the positive people of the world have screwed up lives at times. So PLEASE do not take this as a pity post.

Seeing that tomorrow is my day for a positive post I am getting myself ready for it now. The past few days have been those days where I want to simply sleep all day.

  • Fevers have been occurring in the house.
  • Breakfasts have been reappearing with sudden force.
  • Migraines have been off the chart.
  • Pressures have run rampant.

I’ve been on the verge of:

  • Giving up dreams.
  • Giving up friendships.
  • Even giving up a book I wrote and telling the co-author it’s theirs to do with as they wished.

A lot of people look at me and think, just rest. “You do too much.” “It’ll be okay.” “You’re under stress.” But they forget a few things about me. Old Ronovan isn’t all okay up there in the noggin.

It’s been a while since I’ve been on the cusp of debilitating depression. Depressed? Yes. Hide in my room and not come out for any reason whatsoever? No. I think it’s been maybe a month and a half or so.

Recently I’ve lost memories of friends. I get emails from them and have to wing it. I don’t want people to get upset with me, because I hope things will come back. I read back through previous emails from them to get an idea of things and then come up with a decent reply.

You know, the bad part is there are people I wish at times would just disappear that don’t. Do you have people like that?

What people don’t get is I do so much in order to keep out of depression. But then I get in to so much and border on letting people down and then the depression begins.

So why am I saying all of this while wanting to get ready for a positive day of posts? You gotta get it out of your system.

Share it, don’t wear it.

Know what I mean? You have those friends like that? They like to wear their problems and not get rid of them. It’s like they are so happy to be down. I share and get it over with. blah

It’s difficult to be a friend of mine in the sense of like a outside of blog friend. Like in email and chat friend. You don’t know if I am going to be normal one moment and completely not handle situations properly the next. There is like a wire inside my mind that overheats and as it does it doesn’t want to work right.

You know like on the dryer in your house. Sometimes a part will heat up and it will actually just get hotter and hotter. That’s my brain. I can feel it at times doing that. But it feels more like an icepick scratching and scraping away at a spot, trying to make its way deeper inside my brain.

That’s when I enter the, “I’m sorry” zone. I apologize for everything and then I disappear. I’m not gone for good, but I need to shut down and try to patch things back up and cool the brain down.

I hope my friends are reading this so they will understand me better. If not? I guess I will keep going through the cycle. You do what you have to do, right?

See you all tomorrow for Be Wonderful on Wednesday. I’ve got the bad out and can now go for the good. You can even look at this as positive. I do. I shared it, I didn’t wear it. And I’m not hiding.

Oh, a cool thing today. My son is in the fourth grade and recently they took a reading test to see their level of reading. He sort of blew it off not realizing what it was for. His level came out to be half way through the 8th Grade and he was second highest in his grade. He so needs to learn each test is a test no matter what it is. Geesh. Imagine what he might have done. Anyone surprised he’s an advanced reader?

Remember to find me and follow me at @RonovanWrites, on Google+, and on Facebook.

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© Copyright-All rights reserved by ronovanwrites.wordpress.com 2015

 

Afraid to be Nice

Afraid to be Nice

by: Ronovan

 Afraid

 

I tried to be nice

But I was told it might not be that way

It’s not that I was bad

It’s not that I did wrong or was anything I had to say

 

But for a heart wearer

Who has lost how the world may work

Things can be breaking

When chastised remotely I feel like a jerk

 

You say get over it

And I will try in my time and way

But live in my shoes

The hurt is the only thing that will stay

 

Now I question everything I do

Will I write the wrong word or comment

Will I use the wrong image

All these doubts and questions spin in a torrent

 

I am a dweller

I live in the heart of emotion

I cannot shake it

My heart is my devotion

 

 

© Copyright-All rights reserved-RonovanWrites.wordpress.com-June 16, 2014.

 

They Too Shall Pass

They Too Shall Pass
by: Ronovan

I cannot look
As they burn our land
No affording to pay
They take it all
Now we have nothing
He stares on with strong eyes
But I cannot bare it
I know the hardship to come
I know his humiliation
He braves onward for our little one
I will brave onward later
For now I cannot look
For now I simply comfort with a touch
But someday…someday…I will comfort
With justice
Someday they will burn

 

Inspired by a statue photo by Mara Eastern entitled ‘A Depressed Family’.

© Copyright-All rights reserved-RonovanWrites.wordpress.com-June 09, 2014.