First of all, THIS IS NOT A SELF SEEKING PITY POST! I am simply sharing as therapy here. I share to let others see that we are all the same and have the same things happen or similar things happen. Even the positive people of the world have screwed up lives at times. So PLEASE do not take this as a pity post.
Seeing that tomorrow is my day for a positive post I am getting myself ready for it now. The past few days have been those days where I want to simply sleep all day.
- Fevers have been occurring in the house.
- Breakfasts have been reappearing with sudden force.
- Migraines have been off the chart.
- Pressures have run rampant.
I’ve been on the verge of:
- Giving up dreams.
- Giving up friendships.
- Even giving up a book I wrote and telling the co-author it’s theirs to do with as they wished.
A lot of people look at me and think, just rest. “You do too much.” “It’ll be okay.” “You’re under stress.” But they forget a few things about me. Old Ronovan isn’t all okay up there in the noggin.
It’s been a while since I’ve been on the cusp of debilitating depression. Depressed? Yes. Hide in my room and not come out for any reason whatsoever? No. I think it’s been maybe a month and a half or so.
Recently I’ve lost memories of friends. I get emails from them and have to wing it. I don’t want people to get upset with me, because I hope things will come back. I read back through previous emails from them to get an idea of things and then come up with a decent reply.
You know, the bad part is there are people I wish at times would just disappear that don’t. Do you have people like that?
What people don’t get is I do so much in order to keep out of depression. But then I get in to so much and border on letting people down and then the depression begins.
So why am I saying all of this while wanting to get ready for a positive day of posts? You gotta get it out of your system.
Share it, don’t wear it.
Know what I mean? You have those friends like that? They like to wear their problems and not get rid of them. It’s like they are so happy to be down. I share and get it over with. blah
It’s difficult to be a friend of mine in the sense of like a outside of blog friend. Like in email and chat friend. You don’t know if I am going to be normal one moment and completely not handle situations properly the next. There is like a wire inside my mind that overheats and as it does it doesn’t want to work right.
You know like on the dryer in your house. Sometimes a part will heat up and it will actually just get hotter and hotter. That’s my brain. I can feel it at times doing that. But it feels more like an icepick scratching and scraping away at a spot, trying to make its way deeper inside my brain.
That’s when I enter the, “I’m sorry” zone. I apologize for everything and then I disappear. I’m not gone for good, but I need to shut down and try to patch things back up and cool the brain down.
I hope my friends are reading this so they will understand me better. If not? I guess I will keep going through the cycle. You do what you have to do, right?
See you all tomorrow for Be Wonderful on Wednesday. I’ve got the bad out and can now go for the good. You can even look at this as positive. I do. I shared it, I didn’t wear it. And I’m not hiding.
Oh, a cool thing today. My son is in the fourth grade and recently they took a reading test to see their level of reading. He sort of blew it off not realizing what it was for. His level came out to be half way through the 8th Grade and he was second highest in his grade. He so needs to learn each test is a test no matter what it is. Geesh. Imagine what he might have done. Anyone surprised he’s an advanced reader?
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