Humor
Things We Wish We Asked On A First Date #FemaleFocusFriday
You know you’ve all been there, that first day and you go through the same old same old routine. You talk about the people you both know, about the movie you are about to see, maybe a couple of other things. You try not to embarrass yourself while eating the chips and salsa as the chips break apart and fly everywhere. The night comes to a close and it’s time for that end of date routine; kiss or not, call me or not. Meanwhile things have been left out of the evening that are so so important that would help everyone make some good decisions.
Things We Wish We Asked On A First Date
Do you have an arrest record?
You ever been months into a relationship and discovered that special person in your life has a court date coming up that might send them away for a few years? Not that I would know anything about this one.
Do you have any STDs?
What? If you are on a date then you should consider the possible outcomes short term or long term. Sex happens, even not the all the way kind that can still make you regret later on. I mean seriously, a crab dinner should be at the restaurant, not left overs you discover the next day. I just thought never thought about why she went to ‘that’ doctor every month.
How much do you make a year?
Your date is looking nice. Oh yeeeaaaahhhh. Who did they borrow the clothes from and the car? They living over the parent’s garage? You want to know what the real deal is now not after the wedding. Oh and don’t get hooked up because of earning potential, because let me tell you, that one never works out. Not that I have ever done that, just that I know the earning thing doesn’t always pan out.
Do you have kids?
There’s nothing wrong with having kids, just tell the person up front. In my much much younger days I dated a woman with kids. Not a big deal. Just need to know is all. Especially would have been nice to know about the older one . . . by the first husband. We’ll get into that more later.
Do you snore when you sleep?
This is one that is difficult to find out normally. Sure, you may even be having sex with someone but there is a good chance they head home afterwards, even if it is the apartment next door, leaving you and your roommate to make up the bed. And ladies, don’t be lookin’ at the men alone on this one. There’s a major drag strip near my house that is on national TV often and can be felt and heard miles and miles away. Just sayin’ some things can drown it out.
What’s your father/mother look like?
Your date is hot, but what will they look like down the line? I know that’s not a question anyone should ever even think of because it’s a bit shallow but I had to come up with something, and I tell you there are some that look one way now and in 20 years will look totally different. Again not a big deal, but for some it might be a thing.
Do you shave everything?
Yeah, I said it. Men if you are reading this, it’s not just a question we might want to ask. You think you like things a certain way, well perhaps the ladies like things to be a little neater as well. Just sayin’. Yeah, I know. they like their men to be men but men can . . . well, ladies comment on this if you like.
What’s your top three favorite sexual positions you would like to try?
This might seem like a bad question but it’s not. One of you may be more into sex than the other. This could legitimately cause some issues down the line, and quickly once the sexual aspect of the relationship begins. At first I put this one down as a joke but then as I thought about it, it’s a lot more serious than one might think.
What are you like pre-mentrual?
First of all, I was given this question. I never even thought of it. And it was given to me by a woman. I won’t even go into the whys the need to know but I think on the flip side men might should be asked what they are like after their sport team loses.
Did your mother/father cheat on your father/mother?
A serious question. There can be a pattern in families. My own bio-father was not a good man. I have done everything I could through my life to be as opposite of him as I could. But things can always sneak up on you without notice. So this isn’t a bad question. If you were afraid of this question you could also ask . . . well y’all get to comment with your own questions later, so I’ll the options open.
Are you married or hooked up already?
Duh, right? This should never have to be an issue but it is. Okay, I know situations can be different in each relationship, but regardless of what kind of marriage, be it a platonic or traditional one, the date would like to know because that’s some serious junk to deal with. The date has to determine if it’s a deal breaker or not. Just imagine you are at the dates apartment, it’s quiet and dark, and then lights hit the windows from a car pulling up. The date jumps up and yells “My spouse is home.” Your first reaction is well I don’t say those words any longer, I mean I can imagine what a date might say. But the sad part is, what if that was the first date? Put it this way, that would be the last date. Just sayin’.
That’s it for my part of this list of questions, now it’s up to y’all.
What questions can you come up with? Share them in the comments below, and if we have enough, I’ll put out a reader list early next week of your contributions.
Much Respect
Ronovan
2014 © Copyright-All rights reserved by ronovanwrites.wordpress.com
What’s THAT doing in my in box? Viewer Discretion is Advised.
I don’t want anything violating my ‘in box’ unless it has my permission to do so. I am more the one venturing out into in boxes type of person. Not going to apologize for it. It’s the way I’ve always been.
Think about if something just showed up there one day without you even knowing it was coming. Wouldn’t that upset you? There you are, minding your own business and suddenly your warning goes off that there it is. There is this strange meat thing in your in box.
Did you know that Spam stands for Spiced Ham? Well that’s one definition of it. There is another definition that comes from Monty Python where Spam kept showing up in all of the food on the menu and even in a news report. And now you know why those unwanted things in your email are called Spam. I’m serious, that is where the name for email spam comes from.
I get a certain kind of Spam in my in box. No, sorry, no spiced meat here, just unwanted email. A little spiced meat is good every now and then, right? Sometimes a lot of spice meat is amazing. Makes the body feel good.
(Thank you Hugh for clue me into this saying.)
Now I somehow wonder if the sort of spam I receive is all connected and if they have access to my medical records because these spam people know way too much about my needs medical history.
I really have no idea how things happen. Back in the old days when everyone used to have these things called mail boxes you would get junk mail and it would be things for sell and advertisements that were at least half way possibly could be useful. And best of all? They were appropriate for all viewing audiences. An aside for a moment, have you ever considered how to say ‘advertisement’? When I say it out loud I say ad ver tize ment, but when reading I say ad ver tis ment. Sorry for that, just popped to mind. Remember, unedited and this is a good day.
Then Al Gore invented the internet.
Now I enter the email zone.
I have no idea how some of these ended up with me but I wonder if they are all connected somehow. Yes some do end up in the spam box and not the in box before any over smarty types attempt to tell me how to keep this from happening but it’s still in my email so get a life and don’t be so OCD about things.
(I have a real image for that one but I think I might get in trouble if I shared it.)
Did I vent much there? Perhaps there is a tech person in my life that drives me insane. Just saying. Don’t worry, unless the title sounds like I’m suicidal they don’t read these things. You think I jest?
But see if you see a connection with these gems that I receive multiple times and then tell me if I should be talking to my doctor about his selling information or not. These are the actual titles of the emails.
Dr. Oz endorses Forskolin burn fat quicker, eat this, never diet again
I’m Fat!?!
Yeah, well, aren’t we all for the most part. Well most of my parts are. Hmm . . . that sounded kind of wrong, didn’t it? But I’m leaving it in anyway. Today Ronovan is venting and unedited. Where is that tea?
Yes, I lost 70 pounds in less than six months and need to lose some more, but is that a reason to just send me nasty emails about it? And that name, Forskolin, I swear if you combine it with my other spam mail it just sounds WRONG! You don’t think so? Just you wait.
Twitter-Adriana has found me there too
No that’s not the title of the email but I didn’t really want Hey big Stud to become my new nickname here in Blog World.
You all might remember Adriana from my last In Box rant. She has been after me in my email as though being from facebook. Apparently she has decided to get to me through Twitter now. She must be into role playing and dress up because each time she sends an email her description keeps changing. Sounds interesting but kind of scares me. One day I might open one of those emails, but for now I just see that little preview thingy. The words, people, the words!
Match.com Partner View Photos of Singles on Match.com for Free
I guess somehow people know Adriana is not making any headway with me. So now I have the singles services calling. I can bet you see a major problem with my receiving a singles ad. Hey, it’s a free world, do what you like, I ain’t a judger or fudger. (That’s a reference to my Sunday Thoughts message called Sex and Hell, if anyone was wondering. A judger is a person that judges others and a fudger is a person that fudges scripture to make it mean what they want it to.) Some couples even have that open thing going on or whatever the situations are.
SIZE MATTERS AS SEEN ON TV –PENIS ENLARGEMENT
I don’t watch TV. I’m serious, the most I watch is about 10 minutes with my son ‘B’ in the mornings while he eats breakfast before school. It makes me wonder where this is shown on TV. And really, I think I need to talk to my doctor about a file leak in his office.
Only losers have tiny weeners-stop being a loser Dr. MAXMAN
Okay now the first one didn’t get me so they sent in this guy, another doctor no less. I’m not sure what the size of hotdogs has to do with success but if Dr. Oz wants me to lose weight then I don’t understand why this guy was sent after me. But I would think tiny portions of sausages and losing is what a doctor would want.
Request Spank me: I’m waiting for you on my bed Adriana
Yep, there she is again. Adriana now has made a request. I’m not sure what she did wrong but apparently she wants punished. It makes me wonder how old she is if spanking is a form of correction. Maybe just putting her in time out would work. That could explain the dress up and role playing things she has going. Maybe she is just trying to set up a play date.
3+ Inches Today Be the most confident man in town
Okay, I get this one. It does make since. The more inches you have the more confident you might feel. I’m over 6 feet tall so another 3 inches would make me even taller and stand above the crowd even more. Tall can mean confident.
Enlarger Pills May your dreams of a big schlong come true
I’m not really sure what this one is. I haven’t been to a delicatessen in years.
Dr. Maxman Harder erections, she will feel it, Rwherse
Okay so apparently this doctor has changed from dealing with weight issues to sexual problems. I really need to talk to my doctor about that leak in his office. One thing this doctor doesn’t understand. It doesn’t matter what his program for this is, I still have a 10 year old gifted child running around. What makes you think I want a cure? If you don’t understand that, then you don’ t know what either a) having a 10 year old boy is like, b) what having a gifted child can be like, or c) haven’t had the two combined into one boy.
Ladies pardon me for a moment, please turn away for about 5 seconds and then skip to the next bold text.
Men if you are having erections and needing help for her to feel them . . . I don’t think harder is your answer.
Okay ladies. we’re back.
Now do you see why the Dr. Oz endorsing Forskolin just sounded wrong to me?
So you might see my concern about my doctor, right? Weight loss and that other problem or problems.
You can use spam filters to help you keep these nasty little things away but really there is only one thing to do. This man stole the method from us Southern type folks.
What’s in YOUR in box? Let us know, leave a comment. Is Adriana asking you for a play date too?
Happy Spam Hunting
Ronovan
More tea vicar tea cosy from pinterest.com
Al Gore image by from cheezburger.com
Animated gifs from giphy.com
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FemaleFocusFriday: What I NEED to know about ROMANCE from WOMEN!
Oh Laaaadies! Holla if ya heeeeaaarrrr meee!
I have no idea why I did that but it just came to mind as I started to type. Could you imagine living with me never knowing what to expect next? I’ve asked a range of advice questions for y’all before on some many things but today . . . a rarity is occurring. Ronovan . . . is . . .
. . . focusing.
How to ask you Out In Person, Phone Call, or Text Message
That’s right ladies it’s
ROMANCE DAY!!!!
(Yes I can feel the sizzle now. And strangely I like it. Who brought jumper cables?)
Oh yeah, focus, Ronovan . . . focus. Be the romance to be the romance. Philosophically that makes sense to me but in print it looks rather odd. Much like my photo. Hmm. Oh yeah, focus. So in person, on the phone or . . . yeah Kelly done told us about the third one.
I just want to make it clear that I obviously don’t really need help in this area, ahem, but my men friends might appreciate some advice.
Blue Jeans or Slacks/Pants or Saggin’ & Draggin’
What do you want your date to dress in? I know, I know, you’re going to say it depends if you are going to a rodeo or some other place. Let’s pick some other place for this. No Bostonian leather shoes and double breasted suit at the poop palooza. You don’t want to be seen with a dork. I get it. Okay so I know which one you might do away with automatically. Unless the mood is a bit other than romantic and well . . .
Natural Musk, Cologne, or Duck Commander Date Repellent
You know, it’s a difficult question for us. Seriously. What if you are allergic or asthmatic? What if and what if? We don’t want to be in the middle of a date and have to rush you to an emergency room, that would just waste of the all you can eat taco buffet at the Huddle House Mexican Night. I am guessing here, just guessing which one you would say no to.
(And if anyone knows of an all you can eat Taco Mexican Night at Huddle House, please let me know. I can get frog legs at the local convenience store. I kid you not.)
Flowers or Nothing or What
Maybe it’s an old fashion thing to ask, but what would you call Romantic or even would like to see happen? We might think of flowers and then freeze at the thought you might be allergic or hate the flowers we pick out. Then if we bring nothing do we look like a cheapskate? Then what if we brought some alternatives? Like maybe a cat toy?
Car, Truck, or Something Else
Now when considering this you need to consider other options like where you want to go on the date and do you want to climb up in the muck hauler or ride in the over compensating mobile or do you want to get a work out in the something else? Considering the attention some women put on calorie intake I am not certain about discounting number three, if it were disguised perhaps as as pedal car.
Candle Lit Dinner or Picnic in the Park or Do Ya Want Fries Wid Dat
Now that is unless he’s dead broke, it’s the anniversary of your first date ever and he’s recreating it, or you just don’t care and want to be with each other because that’s where the true romance is at. Taco Bell served me well in those early days. I think I know we can probably rule out number three as being Romantic. See even that guy agrees.
Dancing, No Dancing or Whatever
This one might be a little difficult because of various situations. For one, even if women can’t dance they can dance. But men when they dance, well. They think they dance like this . . .
But in reality dance like this . . .
Kiss Good Night, Hand Shake, Or Something Else
We have come to the end of the evening, I know . . . I know . . . there are some steps missing like a stroll along aromantically lit street that seems to transport you back in time, or a classic movie being shown special on the big screen, or a concert that is difficult to ge t tickets for. Then of course perhaps coffee or something and the ride home.
Now we come to the second most important moment of the second most important moment of the night. The kiss . . . oh the most important? Well how to handle going to the potty, especially if it’s number 2. How romantic is that? But you asked.
There are people out there who still live with their parents. It doesn’t matter what age the dat eis, they live at home for some reason. A kiss? Okay, a soft, tender but intent kiss is a good start if you mean it. Or a lingering gentle hand shake, bu the there is the one that probably mean can relate to . . . The father inquisition . . .
Men need to know what you expect. It would be nice if their were a manual but so many of you are different. So I want to hear from you. I mean I reiterate that I PERSONALLY don’t need in the help in the romance department if you know what I mean but there are some out there that do. What are your answers? We NEED to KNOW!!!!
Cause all I got are . . .
Much Respect
Romance Man
Ronovan
(Yeah, I could have given the guys the word but you know, I can’t be sharin’ my secrets. Anyone seen my Atari 2600 Joy Stick? It’s my turn to play Frogger. Freakin’ Alligator.)
2014 © Copyright-All rights reserved by ronovanwrites.wordpress.com
Hugh is Disappearing! What does Ronovan Do?: The LAW comes to town.
To come in at the beginning, although it’s not a must you might want to start with:
When Ronovan Met Miss Maple (On Skype) Part 1 – A Response to Ronovan at Ronovan Writes
By Hugh Roberts of Hugh’s Views & News
And then my part in response to him:
Extra! Extra! Rose & Ghun Bust Hugh Roberts For Letter Hoarding!
I was rubbing my eyes from lack of sleep when Miss Maypole blurted out we were losing Hugh. When I looked back to the screen they had disconnected. I guess they were getting in touch with that Eloise Mellow person.
Losing Hugh was not really a pleasing idea. I still had his different hats he sent me for my son B’s school project. Hugh had seemed very fond of the Native American war bonnet. Sometimes I just didn’t ask. I had already seen Hugh dancing and the imagery was too vivid to go there. I had seen his anxious look when he saw the hats earlier.
Plus I had to admit, Hugh was a sexy man. (Did I say that out loud or was that a thought? It’s fine, I’m in touch with my masculinity and that other side of me. Brad Pitt’s hot and so is that Robert Downey Iron Man dude in a Weird Science kind of way.)
I did what I had to do, I flipped open my battered blue cased cell and hit the last number dialed. (Yes, I said flipped opened.)
“Ron, we’re already out of town,” said Rose.
“I know but things are getting worse. They tell me my h’s are missing now and if something isn’t done Hugh will disappear.”
There was silence for a moment on the other end of the line. Then I heard a lot of noise, a few screams, and possibly what I would have sworn was a grown man begging. “Ron, sorry but we can’t help you this time. We’re kind of busy. Call the LAW,” said Rose.
“LAW?” I asked. “The police?”
“No, the LAW, League of Awesome Women and they should be able to handle this. Listen, I’ll give them a call and they’ll be in contact with y . . . Ghun! Get him! Nooo not on the leather seats. Blood gets in the seams. Aw . . . man.” The phone went silent.
I held the phone frozen in place, wondering what I was getting into. LAW, Grammar Black Market, and I had to worry about sending Hugh back his Village People props, he had said something about doing a mix called Rocky Horror Village Show. I didn’t ask. I had seen his concern about the hats though. They had come in handy for the History of America project B had at school. I still wonder where he got the Native American headdress from. I was 1/8 Native American and didn’t have any Native American things.
The knock on the door about made me jump as I was wondering if Rose and Ghun would ever get married. Yes, I really am that random with thoughts. Since they had only known each other a few months I wasn’t sure where it would go, what with her aunt having been his old girlfriend . . . I barely had the door open when the group of hair and perfume shoved their way into my house. Okay actually not so much hair, but someone smelled of vanilla.
“Umm
, yeah,” I managed. The presence of actual women skeered me something fierce. At least Rose had been here with Ghun.
Before I knew it 
women were rummaging through my drawers everywhere. Then it suddenly dawned on me that these were some of my online Blog World friends.
Amira & Elena Makansi the Authors of The Sowing, Kate of Dazzling Whimsy, Cat of Obscured Dreamer, and Jenna of Jen’s Pen Den. It was major freak out time for me.
They were secretly part of some super smarticles group. Oh, no. They now knew how I lived. My secrets were out. The would know I blogged in underwear and ate Pringles by the cans each day along with 2 liter bottles of grape soda.
Wait, that’s not me. That must be some other blogger.
“Oh and it looks like they have it out for Hugh. The letters in his name are 
the ones that are missing,” I said. I couldn’t look at their faces and Jenna was still red. I was trying to remember what was in my room. Then I 
remembered my laptop and the screen saver. I died a little bit more.
That’s when it hit me, and I saw a look cross Elena’s face as well.
Could we both be thinking of the same person? . . . to be continued.
2014 © Copyright-All rights reserved by ronovanwrites.wordpress.com
Next Stop:
When Ronovan Met Miss Maple (on Skype) – Part 3
By Hugh Roberts of Hugh’s Views & News
When Ronovan Met Miss Maple (on Skype) – Part 2
Read Hugh’s most recent episode of our ongoing mystery. Then read mine tomorrow! I can’t guarantee it will be good, but I will say this . . . it’s different. muahahahahahaaha And just who is The L.A.W.?
Much Respect and Love to Y’all
Ronovan
Things I Learned From Women-The Low Down #FemaleFocusFriday
I asked and received. Isn’t that a great thing about having a blog? You can ask things and sometimes people answer. I sometimes what I will end up with. I mean my questions. I actually sat down and wrote the first questions that came to my mind last week for Female Focus Friday. That might actually concern some of you considering the questions I asked. Some of you wanted to know the results So here they are.
Things I Need to Know From Women-The Low Down
(I first had the ending called the Down Low. Even my amnesiac brain said something about that didn’t sound right.)
Are bra’s comfortable at all?
PennyLaneThoughts-“No” (Paraphrase-Evil man contraption.)
Mara Eastern-Embarrassed to say (Paraphrase-She’s comfy in her clothes.)
eclecticalli-“Now, it’s more comfortable than not wearing one when I’m out and about” (Paraphrase-Yes unless being tortured.)
Nishi-“should feel like second skin nothing uncomfortable about them” (Paraphrase-She either is well fitted or uses paint.)
Tempest Rose-“Bras suck.” (Paraphrase-No) Eloise agrees with Tempest
Winterbayne-“I don’t mind sports bras.” (Paraphrase- Yes, normal bras suck, as Tempest says.)
qwietpleez-“In a word, NO. Not simply no my friend, but nooooo.” (Paraphrase-I like to repeat myself for emphasis because the bra is so tight and pokey I have no idea if I said it strongly enough the first time.)
Luccia Gray-“No.” (Paraphrase-The constricting embrace of this device takes my breath and leaves me feeling faint at his aproach.)
hubilicious-“They’re okay. If you have small boobs, they are probably not necessary, but if you have bigger ones, they spare you the trouble of two things wobbling in front of you that might potentially throw off your balance. ” (Paraphrase-If you got ’em you need ’em if ain’t you need no restraint.)
ifollowislands-“I hate bras.” (Paraphrase-Born free, live free.)
Serins-“Who likes bras?” (Paraphrase-Men want to see women in pretty sexy things.)
FlorenceT-” ‘no bra’ ” (Paraphrase-Men are decent without one then so am I. Women Power.)
Result: No (Paraprhase-Men if you l
ike them, then wear them for each other at your man gatherings.)
Do you like g-string undies?
PennyLaneThoughts-“I’ve worn them for years.” (Paraphrase-Yes, and my friends are cowards.)
Mara Eastern-Yes. (Paraphrase-If it’
s girly bring it on.)
eclecticalli-“It just…makes no sense.” (Paraphrase-No. The dentist didn’t prescribe butt floss so I ain’t wearin’ it.)
Nishi-Yes. (Paraphrase-It he G-String fits, wear it.)
Tempest Rose-“G-strings suck.” (Paraphrase-No.) Eloise agrees.
Winterbayne-“not my thing really” (Paraphrase-Only when I’m in the mood on days not including the letter a.)
qwietpleez-“eww-gross” (Paraphrase-gag me with a spoon)
Luccia Gray-“No.” (Paraphrase-Yon silken garment meanders into places one not soon should allow.)
hubilicious-“No” (Paraphrase-I don’t like sea life.)
ifollowislands-“Hate them, too!” (Paraphrase-Ain’t no show going on round here.)
Serins-“um no” (Paraphrase-Wants to see Ronovan in g-string undies.)
FlorenceT-“only if necessary” (Paraphrase-I think MY VPL is sexy.)
Is drawing with a pencil around your eyes fun?
Mara Eastern-Loves it. (Paraphrase-I’m an artist, what can I say?)
eclecticalli-“. . . I have trouble tracing when all odds are in my favor . . . ” (Paraphrase-I hated art class.)
Nishi-Oooo, fun day time. (Paraphrase-I’ve been drawing with my 2 year old daughter way too much.)
Tempest Rose-“Makeup sucks.” (Paraphrase-You want a right around your eye? Come here and I’ll give you one that you don’t have to draw on.”) Eloise agrees.
Winterbayne-“not squeamish about my eyes” (Paraphrase- It’s expensive and I ain’t buyin’ it when the guy doesn’t even bother to trim his nose hairs.)
qwietpleez-“Perhaps at Halloween.” (Paraphrase-I go on one date per year because makeup is expensive.)
Luccia Gray-“Yes.” (Paraphrase-I don’t need it but I like to make the men drop to their knees when I walk by and not just stand in awe.)
hubilicious-“I don’t do that.” (Paraphrase-I failed coloring in Kindergarten and never looked back.)
ifollowislands-“I used to apply eye liner . . .” (Paraphrase-I’m too pretty to have a need for it now.)
FlorenceT-“. . . it’s a health hazard.” (Paraphrase-I have moments where I want to stab things with pencils and the family avoids me when I work or put on makeup.)
Result: Yes, by a narrow margin.
Do you like the feminine product commercials?
PennyLaneThoughts-“No” (Paraphrase-Get a clue.)
eclecticalli-“I find them amusing.” (Paraphrase-I have more in life to worry about than a commercial.)
Nishi-No (Paraphrase-Let’s switch places and you try it, bub.)
Tempest Rose-“suck” (Paraphrase-Have you seen a theme yet, Ron?) Eloise agrees and in an accent.
Winterbayne-“cheesy” (Paraphrase-Dorks make commercials.)
qwietpleez-“So silly they are.” (Paraphrase-Leia sends C3PO out to buy them.)
Luccia Gray-“No.” (Paraphrase-Man asks things of stupidity.)
hubilicious-“Nope.” (Paraprhase-Are you serious?)
ifollowislands-“like a nappy in your panty” (Paraphrase-Where a diaper dude and see what you think?)
Serins-“here they are done very tactfully” (Paraphrase-American ad people are dorks.)
FlorenceT-“NO” (Paraphrase-Ron, you are a dork for asking.)
Result: No. Or in the word of Tempest “Suck”.
Do you like products that change colors and the like just to attract your dollars?
PennyLaneThoughts-“Not since I was about 12” (Paraphrase-Ron, your questions are weak.)
eclecticalli-“have you seen the Ellen commentary” (Paraphrase-I got what Ron was asking about. The whole changing to attract Gender dollars.)
Tempest Rose-“Sucks” (Paraphrase-I like mine black.) Eloise agrees.
Winterbayne-“I do color code.” (Paraphrase-Ron, ask a better question.)
qwietpleez-“I’m fairly easy to please” (Paraphrase-Black is basic.)
Luccia Gray-“helps some people” (Paraphrase-I’m good at walking the line and seeing both sides of the possibilities.)
hubilicious-“I like pens that write.” (Paraphrase-I can’t make up my mind.)
ifollowislands-“”I don’t care” (Paraphrase-I lose pens.)
FlorenceT-“No.” (Paraphrase-Advertising people are dorks.)
Result: Indifferent But you know what Tempest thinks.
If a man has a nose hair waving at you on a date, do you still kiss him?
PennyLaneThoughts-” . . .guy was . . . hot, I’d kiss him . . .” (Paraphrase-I would close my eyes and think of Hugh Jackman.)
eclecticalli-“. . . not be a deal breaker . . .” but “. . . if . . . ” (Paraphrase-Dates bore me and I don’t even notice he has hair.)
Nishi-“. . . maybe not . ” (Paraphrase-Why are you asking?)
Tempest Rose-“. . . is natural.” (Paraphrase-It doesn’t suck.) Eloise says the guy should worship her enough to be more presentable.
Winterbayne-” . . .good personality . . . I wouldn’t have noticed . . .” (Paraphrase-The guy bored me out of me gourd.)
qwietpleez-” . . . if the tables were turned.” (Paraphrase-Pull the sucker out.)
Luccia Gray-“Yes.” (Paraphrase-“Dost thou fail to notice my wavering, my love?” “Not until you pointed it out my dearest dolt.”)
hubilicious-” . . . go with Tempest . . .” (Paraphrase-Blood shed is eminent.)
ifollowislands-“. . . too gross.” (Paraphrase-Dude, take care of it or I no shave nothing no more.)
Serins-“There are worse things.” (Paraphrase-At least he doesn’t have bats in the cave about to fly on your face.)
FlorenceT-“eeewww” (Paraphrase-eeewww (notice the balanced use of e’s and w’s))
Result: This hair is split.
If a blind date goes badly do you hate the friend that set you up?
PennyLaneThoughts-“never been on one . . .” (Paraphrase-You’re out of luck, Ron.)
eclecticalli-“Unless the guy is a real jerk wad . . .” (Paraphrase-If he’s at least hot, she’s off the hook.)
Tempest Rose-“Forgive but . . .” (Paraphrase-Make their lives suck.)
Winterbayne-“Refuse to speak . . .” (Paraphrase-Save on cellphone bill. No unlimited texting and only 600 monthly minutes with no roll over.)
qwietpleez-“would never happen” (Paraphrase-I rock!)
Luccia Gray-“. . . never blame anyone . . .” (Paraphrase-Revenge comes to those who have long sense forgotten.)
hubilicious-“I think not.” (Paraphrase-He hurts me then he is toast.)
ifollowislands-“. . . friend was laughing afterwards.” (Paraphrase-Immature friend be gone with you!)
Serins-“. . . I don’t go for such a thing.” (Paraphrase-Were is the chocolate?)
FlorenceT-“no hard feeling BUT . . .” (Paraphrase-Lucy you got some splanin’ to do.)
Result: No
Would you date a friend?
PennyLaneThoughts-“NONONO” (Paraphrase-I like my TV better.)
eclecticalli-Yes (Paraphrase-What? Doesn’t everyone do it?)
LisaListed-“. . . if he ever made an effin move.” (Paraphrase-Dude, whatcha waitin’ for?)
Tempest Rose-“I’ve dated almost all of my friends.” (Paraphrase-New people suck.)
Winterbayne-Yes (Paraphrase-Move on.)
qwietpleez-“. . . I married him.” (I come from a small community.)
Luccia Gray-“No” (Paraphrase-My wish is for a dish of uncommon rarity to mine eyes.)
hubilicious-“. . . why not?!” (Paraphrase-Game on like a like a . . . something rhyming with on.)
ifollowislands-“. . . what can you lose?” (Paraphrase-Can’t deny that feeling so high.)
Serins-“. . . yes . . . no . . . ” (Paraphrase-Huh?)
FlorenceT-“Yes” (Paraphrase-Ron, are you trying to ask me something?)
Result: Yes
Do you feel discriminated against in grocery stores with the shelves so high?
PennyLaneThoughts-“No” (Paraphrase-Desperate for questions?)
Mara Eastern-No (Paraphrse-I see tall people.)
eclecticalli-No. (Paraphrase-I have style I have grace Rita Hayward gave good . . . what was the question.? Vogue Vogue Vogue.)
Tempest Rose-oooo (Paraphrase-Ron, feels discriminated for the low shelves because he’s tall and has osteoarthritis and herniated discs throughout his spine.)
Winterbayne-“Hadn’t thought about it.” (Paraphrase-Thanks Ron for making me notice!)
qwietpleez-“Nah” (Paraphrase-I say that but I shouldn’t h ave to ask help for nothing.)
Luccia Gray-“Never” (Paraphrase-I do not dwell on matters not of utmost import.)
hubilicious-“Should I?” (Paraphrase-Any other questions, Ron.)
Serins-Marketing (Paraphrase-I think I will over think this to the guy that was in marketing.)
FlorenceT-“Yes” (Paraphrase-Tall people are evil.)
Result: No
What is the biggest turnoff in a relationship to you?
PennyLaneThoughts-“I think my biggest thing is dishonesty.” (Paraphrase-Turned off by most men.)
eclecticalli-“Dishonesty. Meanness. Lack of respect.” (Paraphrase-Turned off by most men.)
Tempest Rose-“. . . everything.” (Paraphrase-Men suck.)
Winterbayne-“Arrogance & overcompensation in an attempt to impress me.” (Paraphrase-Turned off by most men.)
qwietpleez-“When people try to control their partner OR are entirely too dependent on them.” (Paraphrase-Turned off by most men.)
Luccia Gray-“Rude, unclean, or drunk men . . .” (Paraphrase-Your gender is deplorable.)
hubilicious-“Dishonesty” (Paraphrase-Turned off by most men.)
ifollowislands-“A football fanatic.” (Paraphrase-Turned off by most men.)
Serins-“I don’t know” (Paraphrase-Men are cool.)
FlorenceT-“Narcissistic and/or crass men” (Paraphrase-I’ll answer with as many things as I like.)
Result: Looks like Dishonesty
Well there you have it. We have some answers. Don’t be surprised if there is a follow up to this about what I think about the answers and results.
Much Respect
Ronovan
2014 © Copyright-All rights reserved-RonovanWrites.wordpress.com
Site is back to public.
Not sure how but RonovanWrites was set as Private for a while. Thanks to Hugh for requesting access or who knows how long it would have been that way.
Thanks Hugh of Hugh’s Views & News!
Things I Need to Know From Women
Curiosity killed the cat, I just hope it doesn’t run over Ronovan. There are things I wonder about. Some are important and some are not. Having a blog I get to ask these questions without the fear of being damaged bodily. Although I am certain I may hear about it through Twitter DMs, About page message system, emails, and even facebook messages. I am entirely too accessible.
Things I Need to Know From Women
Are bra’s comfortable at all?
The mere thought of having to wear a harness freaks me out. It’s like having to hook up a guide dog for service. I just can’t imagine. Come to think of it, I am happy I can’t image. I have a great imagination but brassiere wearing isn’t a great image apparently. At least not on me. I will stop at that with this one.
Do you like g-string undies?
I just had to ask this. A friend said she only wore them with certain outfits because of VPL. I had to google VPL, I thought her auto correct had malfunctioned. Shoelaces for undies seems so uncomfortable. Yes, men seem to get a thrill out of the idea but have them wear them and see how long that lasts. I just threw up a little in my mouth. Personally I would rather a woman wear those cheekies, I think they are called. They are probably just as uncomfortable but at least they leave something to the imagination and to me are just sexy.
Is drawing with a pencil around your eyes fun?
If I had taken a pencil and started drawing around my eyes with it as a child I would have been punished. Even little girls would have been. But it’s a huge business for adults. Eye liner, mascara . . . have you ever thought how scarey mascara sounds?
Do you like the feminine product commercials?
I just can’t imagine sitting there with the family and suddenly certain commercials come on and my son looks at me and begins to ask questions. I am trying to think of a man product that would be similar. I am sure there should be but men aren’t willing to admit it. I suppose hemorrhoid cream would be the closest. But I just don’t see how anyone would want their bodily functions, which are beyond their control spread across the television screen.
Do you like products that change colors and the like just to attract your dollars?
Do you really care what color your pens are? I even read that one college in Canada was banning various colored ink due to their being racist or discriminatory. Do you prefer your ink to be pink or is okay with you if it’s blue?
If a man has a nose hair waving at you on a date, do you still kiss him?
You like the fellow, he’s been nice and sweet and you have thought about that goodnight moment at the door. Then on approach the nose hair waves at you. If you kiss him it might even touch you. What do you do? What . . . do . . . you . . . do?
If a blind date goes badly do you hate the friend that set you up?
It happens. I know none of the ladies reading this ever had to go on a blind date. But let us say hypothetically you did go on one, what would you do if it went badly?
a) Forgive the friend
b) Disown the friend
c) Get revenge and set said friend up with the worst possible date you can find (Sorry, I’m not medically allowed to drive yet.)
Would you date a friend?
The killer happens. You go out with . . . a friend. Is it possible? Can it work? What if it doesn’t? Can you remain friends after having . . . you know . . . done the deed . . . kissed? It happens and if it goes unchecked the friends just keep going down the path to marriage and so on and so forth without that in love aspect. Would you date a friend?
Do you feel discriminated against in grocery stores with the shelves so high?
So you are elevatededly challenged and you approach the soft drink aisle. And of course what you want is on the top shelf. I know a lady of 68 who stepped on the bottom shelf to reach the bottles. She is maybe a hair over 5 feet tall. The bottle slipped and came down on her head. Now if it had been the side of the bottle it might have been okay. The problem is it came down straight bottle cap first. Is it rational to have the shelves so high when you can never find anyone to help? I don’t know how many times I’ve had to help people get things down in stores. Is it a form of discrimination or insensitivity law?
What is the biggest turnoff in a relationship to you?
Not much I can say here. This one is really up to y’all to speak on.
Those are just some of the things that came to mind recently that I need to know from women.
Much Respect
Ronovan
2014 © Copyright-All rights reserved-RonovanWrites.wordpress.com
Extra! Extra! Rose & Ghun Bust Hugh Roberts For Letter Hoarding!
For the beginning of this adventure you may want to read
When Ronovan Met Miss Maple (On Skype) Part 1 – A Response to Ronovan at Ronovan Writes
From Hugh Roberts of Hugh’s Views & News and hear his side of the story and why I called in Rose & Ghun.
Strange things happen in strange places. And when Hugh Roberts is involved they just turn down right weird. Being Southern I am a laid back kind of person that drifts along life as if tubing down the Chattahooche River through Georgia. Sure there may be some white water along the way, such as was used in the 1996 Olympics, but you get through it and end up fine.
Then a whirling dervish of a British man comes along with his Miss Maybohleen and the leftover mushroom pizza causes some interesting ocular fallacies. At least that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it.
When my friend Hugh and his friend Miss Marzipan contacted me through Skype I was quite surprised as I had months ago lost the password to Skype and the device scares me for some reason. Having spoken with Hugh on a number of occasions electronically I had noticed there was a difference in our spellings of various words. He called in Miss Maypenny who in all honesty and with great respect I must say did not bring about a solution. I worry that maybe there was not a enough tea and perhaps too much medicinal purposes in her cup of Joe. I’m saying she was a wing short of a wingnut if you get what I’m drivin’ at.
I called in Rose & Ghun, two detectives a few states away. I knew Trevor Rose from my Magnolia state days. He’s Rose and she’s Monika Ghun. And as their names indicate–he takes the names of the butts she’s kickin’. They arrived in no time. And amazingly enough they didn’t dance their way up to my door.
“Ron, I hope this is important, we are still working out how to handle the Stratford Family,” said Rose.
He acted like I should know about the Bradford Family. I knew eight’s’ enough so I moved on. I couldn’t help but notice Ghun. Her obvious Asian and African American background had combined to form a very pleasing to the eye masterpiece. “Umm, well Trevor, it’s like this. For some reason my conversations of late have lost the letter ‘U’ in them.”
Ghun stopped her foot tapping as she leaned against the wall. The thoughts that had been vaguely dancing at the corners of my mind, okay 
they were slam dancing trying to break through, died down slightly at her stare. I had heard rumors about her but they were only that until proven otherwise. “We drove through the night and all of those hours for a spelling test problem?” She asked. The voice made my head slam slightly to the side. “You’re a bit old for the spelling bee aren’t you?”
“That’s right. Well no, I mean to say that . . . well when talking about my favorite color, you see there are two ‘U’s missing,” I said. “Then there is the case of this crazy hallucination we had about some type of ship at the end of our conversation, but that may have been the left over mushroom pizza.”
“Skype waves,” said Rose. “There have been theories only of visual chatting devices causing mass hallucinations all over the world. As for the ‘U’ problem…”
“I’m fine speaking it seems. It’ writing the words that seem to be the problem,'” I said. “I was hoping y’all would fix it.”
I don’t know why Rose knelt down on my living room floor, but he suddenly became all broody and I swear it became darker. It was like nighttime had come already. You would have thought he was looking at a dead body or something. Ghun was still leaning against the wall with her arms crossed and one foot back against the wall. How she looked as if she were not feeling the humidity in all that black leather including the little jacket was beyond me, but I wasn’t complaining.
I was a gentleman, I wasn’t dead . . . yet.
“Reminds me of some of the guys we ran into at Down Under Mike’s,” said Rose. I had to lean in to hear him. He looked up at Ghun who slowly began to nod.
“Their ‘H’s,” she said. I think that’s what she said. Her dark hair shimmered and flowed with each nod as if it were water.
“So what does that mean for me?” I asked.
“You aren’t missing any ‘U’s,” said Rose as he stood.
“I’m not?”
“No, the British have kept them from being exported so they can keep them for themselves. It’s a commonly known practice on the Grammar Black Market,” he said. “Don’t worry about it. If you really want to say col our instead of col or, then just break it up into two words like that.”
“Trevor, we’re out of here,” said Ghun. “We still have to find Miles before Martin and the rest get to him. If not there will be a world of suck going on.”
“You ever need anything else like this call Amanda Lyle. She’ll be able to help you,” said Trevor Rose and the two disappeared out my door.
“Whoa,” I said. Moi herself? Was she secretly some crime fighting mistress, mastress, master . . . guru?
“Oh, Ronovan, who were those colourful people? Your favourite exterminators?” Hugh asked from the computer screen. I had forgotten it was still on.
“Bless your heart, Hugh, they were detectives. I knew Trevor from back in my Magnolia days. He says y’alls trade practices are the reason for some of the unnecessary ‘U’s missing from my words.”
“Oh really,” said Hugh as he dunked an Oreo in a cup of something that looked like weak coffee. “Hmm, you know that does make a lot of sense. The government over here really has no clue at times, but then you would be sympathetic to that, what with your limping fowl in office.”
“Hugh, I really don’t understand you a times,” I said shaking my head. “Biscuits and cookies, chips and fries? And I suppose you’re going to deny that a woman wrote all of Shakespeare’s plays next and Piers Morgan the former editor of The Daily Mirror and News of the World who was highly associated with phone tapping and cellphone tapping isn’t really a cousin of yours. I think y’all does protest too dang much.”
“Ronovan, I heard a rumor during this cruel summer that he’s got tact. But that may have been a careless whisper and that is the last thing on my mind. Love, truth, and honesty, I can’t help it, preacher man, I’m just a shy boy who lives the wild life and if you can’t take that then do not disturb me. I want you back as a friend, cause it t’aint what you do. Cheers then.” The Skype window went blank.
That was the strangest rambling I had ever heard from Hugh. I went to the window and looked up. It was indeed night time. I could see what might have been Venus, but was probably a trick of the night. My mind went to Rose & Ghun. I was glad for their help an didn’t envy whoever the Stratford Family was because there was some rough justice ahead.
I thought about calling Nathan Jones, an old friend of mine who might help me with the Grammar Black Market. I wondered if he still had that old van of his. It was every shade of blue and could only move in one direction, forward. The reverse didn’t work. Well enough of that.
I sat back down at my desk and began to work on my story about being young at heart. The main character, well he was really sayin’ somethin’ to the leading lady about ‘only your love can take me to your heart’. She looked back at him and said “Love don’t live here.” He grabbed his chest. “If you want your heart look on the floor, and if the cops ask, I’m the one that did it, I committed love in the first degree,” she said.
She began to walk away but fell. She turned and glared at me. “I’m always tripping on your love. Here, I found love and now it’s set on you,” she said and put his heart back on his sleeve.
I looked down at the page and thought, more, more, more. Robert De Niro’s waiting for this after filming Long Train Runnin’ with Mr. Bean.
I wonder what Hugh is going to do with all those Oreos and weak coffee? And what about that lady Shakespeare author?
For the next episode in this tale of ne’er do wells read:
When Ronovan Met Miss Maple (on Skype) – Part 2
From Hugh at Hugh’s Views & News then come back and meet The L.A.W. in the first part of their involvement:
Hugh is Diasppearing! What does Ronovan do?: The LAW comes to town
2014 © Copyright-All rights reserved-RonovanWrites.wordpress.com
10 Things Men Think Women Think They MUST Know About Men
1o Things Men Think Women Know About Me
A list of things about what I believe is an easy thing to do. I was challenged by Florence T. to come up with a list of things we think women know about us. I of course never back down from a writing challenge. And yes, ladies, challenge me if you will.
I enjoyed this moment to delve into what I think men might think about this. Being a man it should be easy, but y’all may understand why there may be difficulties at times. These are not what I specifically thing about each subject, but I think people get tired of hearing my personal thoughts about things like this. But without any further rambling and to do, in no particular order but number so I will not get lost I give you . . .
10 Things Men Think Women Think They MUST Know About Men
#1
What they MUST know:
We ignore them EVERY time they talk unless the word SEX is mentioned.
Truth:
We don’t ignore. We are simply selective in what we acknowledge in having heard. Society has given us a way out. We are portrayed as buffoons on TV and in movies. We do not like this image but if we must suffer through it, then we will take advantage of it. And no, SEX is not the ONLY thing we acknowledge, Hamburgers, Nachos, Tacos, Pizza, and Steak also are worthy. And even for some none of these words will work.
#2
What they MUST know:
We like women wearing tight fitting clothing or see through clothing.
Truth:
There is a rare occasion that tight fitting clothing is something we prefer to see women in. I see women wearing things so tight that I wonder how blood circulates. Very few of them should have stepped out in this attire in the first place as the sizes are not only tight, but perhaps two sizes too small. As for the see through attire? We can see more going to a restaurant or walking through any Walmart. Style, grace, a nice fit, and something hinting at what is beneath are far more appealing. Hinting by the nice fit and the moving of the body under the material.
#3
What they MUST know:
We are Cuddling Machines.
Truth:
We are not Cuddling Machines. Yes we do like to snuggle and cuddle at times, but this is referring to the after SEX moments. For me it is a fortunate thing if the blood pressure is not so great that my arteries do not scream at me. Muscles are trembling and every part of my body is aching from use. It has been the most enjoyable and most excruciating 5 minutes of my life. I cannot cuddle.
#4
What they MUST know:
We want to be examples of perfect health.
Truth:
We like salads. We like the grilled salmon over the fried oysters. Both of these statements are sometimes statements. As Cookie Monster says, “C is for Cookie and that’s good enough for me”. And to paraphrase what society has forced him to say, “Cauliflower is a sometimes food”. If you need more clarification please see the end of #1.
#5
What they MUST know:
We want our foods perfectly organized on our plates . . . not touching.
Truth:
This is some myth taught in a class we males were not included in. If the food isn’t touching that means there is less of it. In fact we like most of our foods to touch as they taste better together. If we go to an all you can eat buffet our plates are layered like lasagna and you may find lasagna under the fried chicken and the fresh yeasty rolls, if the popcorn shrimp isn’t hiding it.
#6
What they MUST know:
We don’t care about what softness of toilet tissue we end up with.
Truth:
Just because you can’t see us cry in the bathroom, the one we have been exiled to while using the sandpaper that seems to only be in the exiled bathroom does not, mean we don’t care. Men do not walk the way we do because we have different equipment below the belt line. We are trying not to cause ourselves to cry in public. Now you know where John Travolta got the strut from in Saturday Night Fever.
#7
What they MUST know:
We enjoy practical gifts for every gift occasion.
Truth:
We want toys. I need not go into this one any further.
#8
What they MUST know:
We always want monkey SEX.
Truth:
We are not that animalistic . . . all the time. There are those days when we have been thinking about you all day long . . . through the hours of sitting in traffic to get home . . . and we are animalistic, but sometimes we actually prefer the slow moments of the connecting gazes.
#9
What they MUST know:
We ALL know how to fix cars.
Truth:
My father knew better than to let me near a car. He used me as the free tire rotating service growing up. That was my job every few months on a Saturday. I was ‘learning’ how to change a tire. No I was ‘being used’ for free labor. That is about as far as it goes. Yes I can put oil in, and various other fluids, and even change a battery if need be. I am sure if I really had to I could do much more, I am intelligent and can read and follow instructions. But it is not a born with gift.
#10
What they MUST know:
We are all the jealous types.
Truth:
This is a bit serious. There are some ladies that will intentionally draw attention in order to make their Significant One jealous. We know this. Here are the things to keep in mind when doing this. If you have friends that do this, let them know.
1) If you make the wrong Significant One jealous, violence will occur
2) If you want to play that game, some of us will let you play it alone
Bonus
What they MUST know:
We don’t know how to use the washing machine.
Truth:
You know guys go to college and do their own laundry and often times end up with a fiance. Then what happens? Marriage and suddenly the wife decides the husband does not know how to wash clothes. Now this is not one I believe there is a complaint about. But I am putting it on the list because it is one of those things women MUST think they know about men.
I know much of the above is perhaps just my own opinions and in truth you can even turn some of them around and change the genders, especially with #10. But I accepted the challenge and I put some thought into it. I like to be funny with these lists but I also like there to be truth in each number I give so we can all share and learn. And perhaps even learn we are wrong, both you and me.
Ladies, are there things you think you know and want to know the real deal? Message me here, or if you want go to my About page and use that form, or email me at ronovanwrites@gmail.com, or even DM me on twitter @RonovanWrites. I really do mean it.
For next week each day I think will take Florence T up on the second challenge she offered up.
“Or what could be a ‘perfect’ balance between two persons in a relationship..not talking about equality here… ‘balance’! Did I just take the humor out of your post? Oops! :)”-Florence T
Much Respect
Ronovan
2014 © Copyright-All rights reserved-RonovanWrites.wordpress.com
It landed in muh front yard.-Response to Hugh of Hugh’s Views & News
I was sittin’ out on thuh front porch ponderin’ sumthin’ fierce. I was wonderin’ how I could batter and fry a hamburger. I had done see one of them there guys on that little talkin’ picture box do it but I weren’t sure iffin’ I was up fer it. Also I was wonderin’ how Britain hadn’t become over popluated after so many centuries of existence with rainy weather. I also wondered if they, meanin’ them British type folks were wantin’ Charles to be king for a day and then hand it over to William or what. Would 007 come out of retirement tuh help Scotland become a nation or whatever is goin’ on? I’m part Scotish an’ need tuh look into that there problem.
That ain’t got nuthin’ tuh do with this story. I took another swig of muh peanuts an’ Coke as sumthin’ strange came flyin’ up thuh driveway an’ landed in thuh front yard next tuh muh car . . . up on cement blocks as I was workin’ tuh git ‘er done fixed up super fancy like.
Then ‘it’ got out of it. I say ‘it’ because at first I didn’t know what ‘it’ was. I was afeerd it might be some alien thuh way it was drivin’ . . . steering wheel on the right. Then I figured out it was a fancy dude with this straw hat thing an’ a blue jacket thing on. The dude put his hands on his hips an’ looked around with a smile on his face, hummin’ some song that sounded kind uh familiar. Then it happened. He started walkin’.
I don’t know quite what that song was in his head but it must uh caused that feller tuh do that spinnin’ dancin’ thing. He spun so faced his straw hat didn’t have time to move. He just spun under it. He turned bright yellow as he did it too. And then he was at muh steps.
“Why hello there,” he said.
“You ain’t from around here is yuh?” I asked.
“How ever could you tell? Was it the steering wheel on the right side? Is it my lovely accent?”
“Nah,” I replied, I weren’t much into talkin’ in person.
“Then please do enlighten me.”
“You spun clockwise durin’ that fancy dance you just did.”
“Oh, dance?” He looked a might bit confused. I could see thuh cylinders doin’ there work inside his head an’ then thuh light bulb went off. “You mean my walk? You are such a funny man.” He looked at my car. “Quite a nice banger you have there.”
I kind uh just went with it at that point. “Thanks.” I heard thuh word nice so figured it was a good thing he done said. “Well I reckon you ain’t here on purpose, so what you want?”
“I am lookin’ fer, I mean looking for, heavens your accent is certainly very Southern American, anyway I am visiting here and was watching the Beeb while bone-idle I saw a program about people and their bits and bobs and was inspired to venture out into the countryside to see what I could see. I was doing quite well but I first was nearly run off the carriageway by a brute in an artic and then I became trapped behind a caravan. Now I am desperate to find a chip shop and a chemist.”
I stared.
And stared some more.
He was rubbin’ his hind parts so I reckoned the chemist might have meant doctor for some hind parts problem. Thuh Sip n’ Dip Quick Stop had a lot of chips so I thought I might could help him out.
I stood up an’ walked down into thuh yard. The lose board almost got me again but I won this time. I rubbed my fingers across thuh stubble of my face and rubbed my belly as I ciphered out what tuh do.
“Now you first gotta go out back thuh way you came up thuh driveway an’ then take a left on to thuh road. You’ll pass thuh old bait shop on yer right but it’s closed now. Keep goin’ and you’ll come to a roundabout they put in not long ago. You just keep movin’ if their ain’t nobody a comin’ or you git their first. Just go counterclockwise. Then when thuh road deadends you’ll come out on thuh highway. Take a right and head on fer about 5 miles an’ you’ll come to a big building on yer right. Go inside and you’ll be on thuh ground floor. When you get in the elevator you’ll know you done got it right cause the G will light up and the little light will come on next to the silver button with a G on it. Go up to the first floor by pushin’ that 1 button. Lady right there will help you out for sure.”
He was starin’ at me.
An’ starin’.
“You have roundabouts?”
“Yeah, just stay to thuh right and won’t be wrong. I always wondered about that counterclockwise thing but I reckon it must be somthin’ about everything being about entering buildings through thuh right doors and exiting through thuh lefts, so they do the same with the roundabouts an’ roads.”
“And ground floors?”
“Well they on thuh ground ain’t they? What do ya’ call ‘em where you come from?”
“Ground floors.”
“I bet if someone called ’em uh first floor that sure would send you off on a hunt. An’ I almost fergot that chip place you can find along thuh way too.”
“Thank you so very much.” With a twirl he was off, humming his way back into his car and disappearing down the driveway.
Grandma came out. “What was that?”
“Guy from Boston looking for directions.”
“I heard you give him directions to the hospital but why did you send him up to the psychiatric ward.”
“Grandma, I figured they would either be able to figure out what he done said, or know what tuh do with him one.”
“Ronovan, you’ve been in the sun a while, have you burned?”
I slid my foot out of my flip flop and pulled down the sock. “Does look a might pink compared tuh the catfish belly white, don’t it?”
“You get in the house.”
I need me one of them over the pond type folks to answer muh questions. Heard tell there was uh guy named Hugh that might be able tuh help out. I wonder if they want Pippa to marry Harry, and would that make her Princess Pippa? Anyways, maybe that Hugh guy can tell us somethin’.
I Reckon That’s All
Ronovan
2014 © Copyright-All rights reserved-RonovanWrites.wordpress.com
10 Things Women Need To Know About Men
I see lists about ‘How to Know Your Man’ and ‘How to Make Your Man Happy in Bed or Anywhere Else’ and I wonder sometimes if even the ones by men are really nom de ploomers for 12 year old girls working for tickets to Judson Beader concerts.
Why do I say that?
I am so glad you asked. Let me tell you . . .
Things Women Need To Know About Men
Just remember that these are all based on my own opinions and what I have observed. Which are observations and which are my own personal opinions you will most likely know if you have read my site much. Enjoy and please, don’t kill the writer.
#10
Men Sulk and Pout
Ladies, I know it is difficult to believe that we men who scream at TVs during sporting events do this but yes . . . we internalize things. We prefer you think we are insane or mentally deranged rather than discuss it. Pizza . . . Tacos . . . Game Systems . . . Shooting things filled with glow in the dark stuff at night? Sure, but talking–no. We’re not mad at you. We’re not ignoring you. Just let us sulk and we get over it faster. The longer we are talked to and asked about it the longer it takes to get over. Let us pout. Do you really want to hear about the long awful day we had at work? Do you really?
#9
Don’t ask Don’t Tell
Ladies, you know those times when you ask us ‘what do you think?’ I’ll be point blank honest here. Perhaps I am honest because I don’t have the degrees for Creative Writing and all of that to tell the truth in a more creative way, just a degree History Education and writing tons of research papers. Or maybe it’s the concussion thing. My one year anniversary is coming up by the way. My imaginary self and I will be eating at an all you can eat Taco and Chinese buffet in No Calorieville. I hope you will join us. But here it is…ready?
If you already know what the answer that you want is, don’t ask us. We don’t know what to do. Do we be honest, or give you the answer you want? You say be honest . . . but is that ALWAYS true?
Examples:
“Is this shirt too tight?”
Okay, the male brain has now seized up as traffic has swarmed in the form of Spaghetti Junction in Atlanta, GA at 5 PM on a Friday before a three day holiday weekend.
- Yes, it’s too tight because it shows off your breasts too much to other people.
- I love that she has incredible breasts and I am proud she’s mine, eat your heart out boys.
- She’s asking if she’s gained weight. Oh no, what do I do?
- She’s asking if she’s gained weight. Do I tell her no because if I say yes then she will think I think she’s put on weight?
- Man she looks good. How long will it take to get that thing of. (I hope she isn’t wearing a bra, I have no idea how those hooks work.)
You may not realize the male mind does this on its own without the participation of the male itself and all in the span of 1.01 seconds. Then the male enters into the picture and uses knowledge and common sense. You read that right. And you wonder why we get in to so much trouble with this one.
“Baby, those twins look outrageous. Mmm Mmm Mmm! You fine, girl.”-Either the young guy with no clue or the older over the hill midlife crisis male who is reliving his unsuccessful young guy days.
“I like it, but honestly honey, I love your body, and I love the fact men know how great your body is. Men are going to be staring at you enough as it is because of those kill me eyes and that beautiful smile.”-Mature, experienced male with common sense in use. Men, only use this one if you are sincere. Seriously. Customize to fit what you find amazing about the beauty of your woman.
“I don’t know, whatever.”-Moron alert and future divorce case.
#8
No opinion
Sometimes we really don’t have an opinion about something, especially if it has nothing to do with us or we just don’t know anything about it. Also there are times we are just that laid back and are like go with the flow. No, we are not always that indecisive . . . we just don’t have an opinion or we just like your opinion. Imagine that, huh? Did I say that out loud? No. Whew, awesome. There is another reason, we’re lazy and just don’t want to think. I’m serious. Even me, the one that is always thinking, I get to that point where I can answer what I want on my sandwich; ham or turkey.
#7
Sure, Okay & Fine
This was is so whatever that I couldn’t even come up with an image for it Guess what? You’ve heard us say those words and you don’t believe us. Well guess what again? Some of us actually mean it. Shocking I know. But rather than speak in sentences with all those parts of speech, we use the efficient one word answer to get back to what we were doing and/or avoid saying something to either a) make you mad or b) causing a lengthier discussion that will eventually lead into our getting into some sort of trouble which would lead to . . .
#6
Gifts are NOT for buying Forgiveness
We give you flowers, candy, a gift card to Home Depot for supplies for your favorite little homemade fish pond and you think we are trying to buy you off instead of saying we’re sorry. That is our saying we’re sorry. We’re not buying you off, we’re talking. We’ve been trained not to say we’re sorry or show emotions. Emotions are a weakness. Instead we do something else, like buy you something nice to say we’re sorry for spending so much on the credit card bill.
#5
Sometimes we really are staring off into space and not at the server.
When we’re out to dinner, we’re not always checking out the server in the required form fitting, skin tight black pants. (I wonder about that at times. Isn’t that like really a bad thing to have as a requirement?) We’re actually sometimes either a) tired and staring off into space not even knowing where we are looking or b) bored at the third time in the last hour you’ve talked about the same thing at work that’s ticked you off. My apologies for that second one, I know we do the same thing, but ladies, you are so much more intelligent than we are, perhaps leading by example would make the old dogs learn new tricks.
Sure we listen, we care, but after 2 or 3 times . . . we get it, you get it, the server in the skin tight black pants gets it. If we reacted indignant at what happened and acted like we were going to do something, you would then tease us or call us an idiot and say that it is only a little thing and you don’t want to cause any problems because it’s a great job. Huh?
#4
We Like Chick flicks.
You read that right. Just don’t ask us about it. Don’t give us a choice. Just say you want to go to that movie Saturday night. We need the excuse. I mean really, at the end of Armageddon when Bruce Willis is saying goodbye to his daughter, didn’t you notice the man in your life tearing up?
#3
We Like to Smell Pretty
When you go to the store and shop, because you know if you don’t everyone you love will die from hunger because they may have some mental block about like grocery shopping, buy us the nice smelling soaps. We like to smell good and you like us to smell good. Don’t give us the chance to be macho and go for the unscented, floats in water soap. We’re old enough to be more concerned about smelling nice rather than sinking battleships.
#2
We Don’t Think About Megan Fox During Sex
In the middle of sex, do you want to know what we’re thinking? It all depends on the situation. We are focused on how it feels and either a) praying we don’t end the session early or b) hoping we can keep going with that pain in the back before it ruins the moment.
But I am sure some men do think about things. Like earplugs for those who don’t like the overzealous screamer. There are screamers and then there are fire alarms. Screamers are fine, just saying but a lot of focus goes into those fire alarm moments. I mean really, I appreciate appreciation but well sometimes . . . you know?
So, no, no Megan Fox or anyone else for most of us. We’re just enjoying the feel of things.
#1
The Final Thing, and the one you’ve been waiting for . . .How to Make Us Happy In Bed.
How to make us happy in bed? It’s a simple thing really or is it? The idea most things you read about is show up, get naked and the man is happy. Maybe that works for some, but ladies let me clue you in on something. We like the heart behind the happening. A woman could be the worst technical lover to ever exist but can satisfy a man she loves and loves her back because he feels her intent and heart behind it. So it’s not just about showing up and trying to be sexy.
Yeah, I know, if that were true with all men then prostitution wouldn’t be a business. Porn would not be a business. But give me heart and you get me . . . never mind that . . . umm.
~~~~~~~~
Now I know that a lot of the above has to do with communication and that some ladies love to communicate and men just don’t and that is a huge problem. I am not condoning or excusing the above, I am just telling you the truth of what is reality. Sure some of us try to do better but failures occur. I like to understand things. Tell me things so I don’t interpret something wrong. I want to learn from whatever is happening. But once I know and you know I know . . . as I said above, don’t blame me for staring at the wall.
Anyway, that’s it for today, my Feature for Female Focus Friday here at RonovanWrites. I love Fridays. For all my Friends that might read this, please tell me what things you think?
And ladies if there are things you would like to know my opinion on . . . let me know. I would love to share . . . I really would. That would be awesome, and maybe some of your questions will be answered next Friday in a Female Focus Friday Feature.
Until next time,
Much Respect and Admiration
Ronovan
2014 © Copyright-All rights reserved-RonovanWrites.wordpress.com
Did you ever wonder . . . in a British accent?
Did you ever wonder?
Very likely your answer to that question is yes. If not perhaps you will now wonder why I thought it should be. So now that we have all wondered about something, let us continue.
It was about 10 PM one night recently and I suddenly started thinking in British. And oddly ‘Venus’ by Bananarama was running through my brain. And I started this crazy dance without any reason at all. I felt like I was in stand up spin cycle washing machine or something.
Have you ever had that happen to you? No . . . well of late it happens to me quite often. Fortunately I was able to get out of my bubble bath but had to skip the Super Walmart excursion as my socks were not clean anyway and I hate the way my sandals feel on my bare feet. You know that sweaty icky feeling. If rubber then you wonder if some jelly baby is sucking at your feet, if leather than the cow is attempting to become a symbiote with your toes to live again. Yes, these thoughts do run through my mind. And really why DOES a nose run and feet smell? And what happens when the nose runs and meets the smelling feet? I need to know before 3 AM when I go to sleep.
No, that is not why I am dragging you through my quaint little village of a blog. My suddenly British thinking mind has questions.
Why are French Fries called chips in Britain? Is it xenophobia against the French? Is there a ban on using anything that sounds unhealthily like the word fry? Why not Fish and Fries? In Britain when making fried chicken is it called chipped chicken? When ordering at McDonald’s does the person taking said order ask if you would like chips with that?
And I know you know I must ask about the cookies being called biscuits. Need I really go into this? Does Ernie the Keebler Elf talk about chocolate chip biscuits? And I am still wondering about the dipping the cookie biscuit in tea. I don’t understand. And why would you drink something called Grey? Have you not read the books? You might catch 50 Shades of an STD.
Now for the really odd question burning in my brain; why the wrong side of the road driving? Are all people in Britain left handed? Are you not afraid that you will shift gears in a zig zag formation and around the world snap? I mean really people, what is . . . the . . .deal? Oh I know, perhaps Britain is where all of the mail carriers in America secretly come from. I mean why else would they have those jeeps with the wheel switched over in order to reach the mailbox? Oh, and what do they do in Britain? Do they move the wheel to the left side of the vehicle for mail carriers?
And now finally, Blood Sausage, what? I cannot fathom the mind that thought “Let us name this meaty type thing blood so people will love it”. Why? I really do ask why?
I will not ask about Piers Morgan and why you sent him here. Perhaps it was a secret plan for a new invasion. And why is he named after a place where sailors gather? Hmm? Do you know? Piers, you can tell us.
I leave you with this and perhaps anyone English British will have it running through their heads the rest of the day. And perhaps my friend Hugh of Hugh’s News and Views would be able to answer these questions . . . that is when he is not dunking cookies in 50 Shades of STDs.
Much Respect
Ronovan
2014 © Copyright-All rights reserved-RonovanWrites.wordpress.com
Her title:My Valentine’s Day plans… My title: Men Find Out a Secret
Saw this earlier in the week and made note to share it with everyone on Female Focus Friday here on RonovanWrites. The lady has a hilarious style and some real advice men should take. Honestly guys, if your love life is suffering read this and maybe it will give you some ideas. @collegeladyblog
10 Twitter Things That Annoy Me
I’ll be the first one to admit that I enjoy Twitter. There are some great things that can be done with it, including talking with Friends in a conversational style that you cannot do within a blog comment section. Sometimes you want to talk and taking up comment space is not the place to do it and emails just aren’t that fun.
Even as great as Twitter is there are the things I have to deal with that comes along.
So I give you . . .
10 Twitter Things That Annoy Me
Having to Learn What the Acronyms Mean
I don’t speak Initialese. I’m sorry, but I took a little Spanish in High School and College, but that’s it. I might even throw out some inappropriate Cajun French (What, you expect working in a warehouse in my younger days beside excons to fill me with gooder words?). I am fluent in Typonese, both the typing of and the reading of. But please Initialese is not my thing. Some Initialese is quite embarrassing. Especially if you ask one of your female friends what they mean.
Pardon me while I mention one here. As you know I had a concussion that wiped out my memory, and I am a fairly nice guy who thinks fairly nice thinks. (Yes ‘thinks’.) So when I see the letters MIL(And the letter after E), I am naturally not understanding it. Yes, I asked a female friend I was chatting with and they understood that coming from me it was a real lack of understanding and were kind enough to help me. Now . . . I google things.
I am not Robin Williams.
The auto DM after a Follow
Someone follows me and I look and they appear to be a human that is in a field I am interested in, so what do I do? I return the favor. What do I receive in the not to distant future? An automated Direct Message in my DM box thanking me for following, usually accompanied by an ad for their website or service. Whut? This is the way to have people UN-Follow you very quickly. You don’t understand? There are services that will generate Automatic Messages upon receiving certain actions.
The Follow Back where the person makes it sound like you initiated the Follow
You Follow me and I return the favor to a human. You then Tweet about my Following you in an obvious either auto Tweet or a form Tweet to make it appear that I must just be in love with you so much that I begged to Follow you. At first I just ignored this. Now . . .
“You’re welcome, and I thank you for Following me so I could then Find & Follow you. Hope you enjoy!”
Hashtagonese
I use Twitter for three things; Talk to my Blogger Friends, Help my Blogger Friends, and network. To do two of those things I have to know the Hashtag language. I am thinking of coming up with my own little list of Hashtagonese and sharing it, but now that I’ve said that someone else might do it and I am sure others have before, but mine would be geared toward Blogging. Hashtagonese is a truly difficult language. It’s almost like Pig Latin.
Auto RTs
I like to RT when I can. For those not familiar with Twitter and Initialese RT means ReTweet, meaning you Tweet something and then I click the ReTweet option to share it with all of those that Follow me. I actually go through and RT what I like. So if you see me RT something I have actually looked at it and even clicked the link to your site to see if I like it or not. This way you get triple benefits; a view, a like, and an RT to my Follower Friends.
But some people use services that RT everything. You can set them up to RT everything with . . . say (wp) in it, you know the link address for WordPress blogs. I really should try doing a Tweet one day that has just letter combos like wp, owl, and whatever other blogs use. Don’t get me wrong, we have some great people in the WordPress family that RT great. Nonsense & Shenanigans is amazing at it. And I am not saying that just because she’s a fiery looking red head.
RTs of the nudity and stuff I intentionally don’t Follow
When I RT I try to be considerate and not choose anything that isn’t at least PG. I Followed some people early on and quickly realized I was Following people I just did NOT need to be Following. Write the books you like, and some of it is even okay to read, but please . . . don’t put the nuday photos up and please don’t RT them. No Nuday for this Manay. o,O (That’s my face for what did I or you just say.)
My Tweet Typonese
I am an edumucated man. I really am.I received my Bachelors degree just like everyone else in 8 years. Okay, it was 4 years and a quarter because of my student teaching. But I like to use my smarticles at times. Then I do it . . . Typonese. For all of those of you who glance at Tweetverse and see Ronovan done did an i instead of an o when talking about a shot of a flower . . . it’s Typonese.
Discovering a person has chosen not to allow me to RT their great stuff.
Someone has a wonderful article or a fantastic thing they have shared with the world and I see they have made it so I am not allowed to share either of them with the rest of the Tweetverse. Am I bad? Did I offend? Did I look at you funny? Did you notice me looking at you like this, o,O? We Follow each other and yet . . . I done been banned in some way? Ronovan done been heart burned. o,O Did that come out right?
Twitter accounts that follow you just long enough to get a Follow Back then UnFollow you a week or two later.
Oh this one gets me right here. Yes, it’s good you can’t see me when I pointed. You do the nice, you Follow Back, then you check for something and notice your numbers aren’t right. The Follower done become the UnFollower. Of course my next step is to UnFollow, but I am considering perhaps using some other method as well . . .
“Thank you for the Follow so I would Follow you then YOU UnFollow me. Your number just went down by 1 just like mind. Enjoy!”
And of course do some Initalese things or something to all of my Follower Friends about them.
Mean People
Do I really need to speak on this?
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Ten Things I Hate Most About…Summer!
What better way to announce my next Blogger Interview than to give you a taste of him? So have a taste of Hugh’s Views & News and his thoughts on Summer and BBQ. Pass me the ribs and sausages.
My Response to the 10 Things Florence T. Wants.
Florence T. paid me a great compliment by doing her own “10 Things” on Friday. After having some fun answering my ‘10 Things I Just Need to Know About . . . Women‘ she came up with her own ‘10 Things I want to know…about men‘.
Here are my answers to those questions. If you want to know the questions then please visit Florence T and her article.
#10
I love to cook so, let me see. Um . . . let’s see men like all balls of all colors. They even like smooth ones or fuzzy ones. If they see them they must have them. They are like a laser pointer to a cat.
I said a CAT!
#9
We like to watch other men with balls but we think we know about how to use them better than those who get paid for it.
#8
Men just naturally want it long I guess. They like the way it feels and lays there enticingly.
(I just had to use this one. It might not be about the question but it is just so . . . ow.)
#7
I don’t mind a woman in control. She knows, so tell me what to do and where to go otherwise she gets frustrated and then there is no fun for anyone. But I know some men just don’t get it . . . even when told.
#6
Hmm . . . one word . . .sex.
(Yeah, I changed the name of this one to “dog” slap in my files.)
#5
We like it to feel good inside not just look good.
#4
Maybe it has to do with answers to #1 and #2.
#3
It is great four letter word. It’s one of my favorites too. And I am glad you think it’s sexy. I guess some men just think it’s just not a very masculine thing and other men would use it as a sign of weakness when applied.
#2
I think you are right about this especially the anger and lust being the man ones. But answer #3 relates to this. If we used it any other way then we would be called that four letter word.
#1
Yes. I think we would love to. Just putting it all out there for everyone to see would make everyone better off and make it a healthier world.
There you have it. Now go check out ‘10 things I want to know . . .about men‘ from Florence T.
Much Respect
Ronovan
2014 © Copyright-All rights reserved-RonovanWrites.wordpress.com.
10 Things I Just Need to Know–About Women
Okay, so I’ve done a few articles and lists about men and our issues. Well today I’m going after the women. That’s right Female Focus Friday is doing just that Focusing on the Females.
Ladies here it is . . .
10 Things I Just Need to Know
(Why do I start sounding like J Lo’s ex every time I say ‘I need to know”? You do know which of her ex’s I mean, right? Just sayin’. And oh yes, I did go there.)
#10
Ladies why do you look better cross dressing than we do? You put on our dress shirts and . . . okay, I’m not really asking. I just wanted to, you know, okay, never mind, time to move on. (Stop looking at me like that, yes, the ears are burning red now.)
#9
Ladies, why do you like dope so much? Yes, I said it. Dopamine is the chemical that chocolate releases in the brain. So what’s up with that, ladies?
#8
Why can’t you drink with your eyes open? Every time you take that first drink from a cup of coffee or tea you close your eyes. Is it concern over the contact lenses melting from the steam, or one might pop out and start floating?
#7
Hmm?
Okay, Steven Tyler in the 70’s, okay, maybe the 80’s, sure. You hit the 90’s it’s getting close, then the 2000’s, umm. What’s up with the continued fascination with Steven Tyler? Mick Jagger and David Bowie had a love child? That whole Dancing in the Sheets song from Live Aid still has me confused. Wait, that was the song from Footloose . . . hmm . . .
Maybe?
#6
From my understanding lipstick can pull out the pigment in your lips meaning they fade the color, but you use lipstick to give your lips color . . . and then they have the tattoo makeup procedures? I think I see a cycle here. Do any of you?
#5
Why do you make men act so stooopid? I mean we fall in love, we get rid of all our friends, forget our mother’s birthdays to go to your friend’s baby shower, and then two weeks after we start dating, you say it’s over? Whipped boy say whut?
#4
Miley Cyrus? Can you explain her to me, please?
#3
I get it, high heels make your calves and butt look great, but why in the world put yourself through that? Why is there a big man at my door screaming through the window at me right now?
#2
David Beckham, Hugh Jackman, or Vin Diesel? I gotta know. (Comment below.)
#1
I’m big, I’m cuddly. So why is it that Kevin James gets all the cute and cuddly and I don’t? I need to know!
Check out Hilary’s answers back at me at Joy of Writing.
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Five things men fear on first dates.
You’re on a date and you are stressed beyond belief. It’s like that first time and you just have no idea what’s going to happen. You just keep praying that you don’t do anything . . . stupid.
Stupid around my house is a bad word. We say silly instead. But really one word is as bad as another if you know what it is supposed to really stand for. No freakin’ way will I say that crap word again.
Anyway, for a guy what can you do that’s so bad on a first date, or really any date for that matter, but that first date is the one you have to impress. The rest of your time with her she realizes you’re a guy and you do guy things, so you get a pass card. And no I don’t mean that kind of pass . . . or that one either. Eww.
What do we fear?
Five Things Men Fear on First Dates
by: Ronovan
Pit Sweats
Guys, be honest, they are;
The dreaded stains,
That cause you chest pains.
You have options here men.
• Date only in winter and never wear a coat, jacket, or sweater
• Duct tape bath clothes to your pits
• Or be sensible and wear a t-shirt
But the truth is, none of those ideas occur to us until it’s the end of July and we’re standing outside her door and that trickle starts down the back of the neck. You just know what’s going to be next. Back sweats? Okay you can get away with that, she’ll understand. But then you drive and move your arm and the air hits and . . . you know it has happened.
That freezing cold feeling hits that damp pit cloth of the shirt and you begin to sweat more and wonder if she would question stopping at a local Quik Trip convenience store while you air dry your pits with the hand dryer in the restroom. Then you begin to worry she thinks you have other problems.
Bad Breath
You leave the house and you are like, “It’s all good.” Then you start singing to the radio. Something begins to smell.
You’re at her driveway. She’s sitting on the porch swing and sees you. You have no way out. You pull in and scrounge for anything.
And then you find it, that melted plastic wrapped piece of peppermint candy that is now pink from where the food coloring has fun together from who knows how many years of living in the cup holder under that Taco Bell napkin.
The plastic will not release. She’s stopped swinging and now is staring. Yes, you do it. In goes the candy, plastic and all and you . . . chew. You have to get out of the car because she’s coming. She’s worried about you. Oh no, you can’t get rid of the plastic or she’ll see and then your hands are covered in sticky 3,000 year old candy sugar.
Yep, you swallow the plastic.
Bats in the Cave
It happens to everyone, even her. But men, you know it’s going to happen on that date.
You can even feel it happening. The tickle starts. You breathe and hear that slight noise and feel it moving.
You start breathing through your mouth slightly. But then she’ll think you’re a mouth breather. You try for the distraction and the big sniff to move that thing up. Or maybe you find a way to rub your nose in the hopes of it settling into place.
Then one of two things happens. You’re in the moment, the kiss could happen. She has those melt you in your shoes eyes looking up at you and her eyes go from yours to your lips then . . . you got it. Her eyes moves slightly upward as the bat begins to say hello.
Is that the worst thing? Nope. Same situation and then Bat Cave Bomb Away, you got it, the boogie done left the building and it only has one place to go.
Nose Hair
Related to the Bat Cave situation are the Nasal Follicles.
I know the Good Lord designed them to help us out, after all if not for them all those Bats in the Cave matter would be in our lungs, but for goodness sake, trim the vines before the date.
Men if you are headed to the date and you are in your car, look in the mirror. No, you don’t have the nose hair trimmers with you. Yes ladies, we do have those. Mine are burgundy. Now guys if you look in the mirror and see Tarzan swinging it’s desperate measure time.
Yes, you have to pull them out. I heard the ouch. I feel your pain. Seriously, I’ve been there. Just go for it and yank Tarzan and Cheetah both out and hope the tears are gone before you get to Jane.
B.O. Bomb
Well men we finally come to the most dreaded one of all. All the others we can try to avoid and take care of. But when it comes to the body odor, well, what can I say? It stinks.
Some men keep deodorant in their car. Nice. Some even keep cologne. Not going to work. If you are like most men, you’re in trouble.
There are four options available at this point if you are in her driveway:
1. Grab the jacket in the back seat and wear it all night, even in late July at the ball game. Yeah, Pit Sweats combined with the B.O Bomb. Nice. Then you begin breathing heavy and the plastic peppermint quits working and you feel that piece of plastic still stuck in your teeth.
2. The car deodorizer might work. Chemical hazard? Yes. Worth a kiss on the first date? Yep.
3. Asking to borrow her bathroom and using her deodorant. It’s one way to be sure but you better keep it a secret.
4. Keep as far apart from her as you think is the safe smell limit. One problem with this is . . . no second date. You can either get close and get the rep as Señor Stinko with all of her friends who you also know, or become known as General Germaphobia. Take your pick.
Well, there you have them, and that’s just 5 of our fears. You didn’t know we had them, did you ladies? You thought our only worries were how expensive you were going to order and if we were going to get to first base or farther. Oh, and some of you men didn’t know you had to worry about all of that? Welcome to reality.
If you really want something that will freak you out, and this really happened, check out “When toots let loose. . . “ or what I call “A College Girls Gas Confession” at my fellow blogger’s site A College Girl’s Confessions. I swear, I’m not making this up.
Men AND women, do you care to share some of your MOMENTS on dates? Come on, you know you want to. Put a comment in.
Much Respect
Apparently Hygiene Deficient Ronovan
1st Image Credit: gettyimages© Original Photo by Laurence Monneret/The Image Bank
2nd Image Credit: gettyimages© Original Photo by Don Bayley/E+
4th Image Credit: gettyimages© Original Photo by sturti-E+ Man
5th Image Credit: gettyimages© Original Photo by Don Bayley/Vetta Man
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