The day after the Fourth of July is a tradition every year. Ah . . . what, you didn’t know that? Well every year the Fifth of July happens.
You see these lists of what to do on the Fourth of July. I decided not to do one of those, nor a ‘what traditions there are’ list. Instead I decided to give my Friends a look into the American Male.
You go home from the emergency room after the ‘I can be a World Cup Soccer Player’ game went tragically wrong and you need some extra leg room in the car.
You might be an American Male if . . .
When you want to sleep in you are out ‘Enjoying’ time with the significant other at the day after sales.
You might be an American Male if . . .
You are still getting over being angry that your wife canceled your Pop Goes the Larry the Cable Guy’s Fourth Six Pack to TVO the Modern Family marathon.
You might be an American Male if . . .
You are attempting to deny you are the one in the epic grill leap video.
You might be an American Male if . . .
You are treating all of the mosquito bites from the night before that you didn’t realize you had from either the World Cup Soccer Ball ‘game’ or ‘grilling’.
You might be an American Male if . . .
You and your friends are still having to yell at each other after the fireworks shows or concerts you went to.
And finally, you might be an American Male if . . . well just watch for the last guy.
So men, she wants you snipped. You are thinking, “Uh uh”. Short of divorce or breaking up with said female desiring the snippage what are you going to do?
I came up with 10 things that will help. Some may only work if married because a wife by the point where a vasectomy is an issue is probably at the point of ‘whatever’ when it comes to things you do. Any ladies reading this know what I mean. (Men if your wife or girlfriend ‘likes’ this article, email me for other ideas.)
Some of these are just ways not to have sex and others are ways to make things stop before that “Gorilla Grunt” thing men do. Either way you don’t want to end up with the babies.
#10
Whoopi Goldberg Naked
I know it sounds desperate but in all honesty that’ll withdraw the cannons and the . . . umm . . . ammunition very quickly. There is a drawback to this method. Don’t use it too often or every time you start having sex you will start thinking about Whoopi Goldberg and eventually throw Ted Danson in there too. You’ll be impotent for the rest of your life. (Admittedly, in her early career Whoopi had it going on. Just saying.)
#9
Not ignoring the back pain
This is simple and real one. For years you’ve fought through the pain because, well you know why. But now you have no choice but to admit the weakness. Again, don’t use this too often or you end up at the doctor’s office and going through MRIs and therapy sessions.
This is the easiest for men to do. It’s a natural part of us not to want to bath. If not bathing is not something you want to go through, don’t use the deodorant. After one whiff of you she’ll never want another hamburger from McDonald’s again.
#7
Remember
If you have children just remember how many sleepless nights you had and how many times you let that baby barf on you instead of spinning it around to face a room just so it wouldn’t get upset and the carpet didn’t have to be cleaned. What? Am I the only one that did that? There is no experience like the feel of barf on the neck and eyebrows. But the boy didn’t get very upset and he appreciates it now. (Note: This is one way the woman will get you to shower to overcome #8.)
#6
Bringing out the Handcuffs and the Vaseline
Now for some this might actually backfire, so be careful. If you aren’t really certain then don’t do it. You decide which way would gross her out more; smearing on your own pale paste body or asking her to smear it on herself while you watch. The handcuffs are the scare tactic part to push her over the edge. Understand the downside of this though, she’s going to wonder one of two things; 1) you’ve been watching porn movies or 2) you have lost your freaking mind.
Now we enter the Desperate Zone.
Men, only do this if you are willing to live with the results. I will not be held responsible for any attorney’s fees, medical expenses or anything else that comes from these ideas. If explanations are really needed for each of these ideas then you may require some professional help. Just go ahead and have the Vasectomy along with the Psych Ward admittance. Two for one deals are popular even in hospitals these days.
#5
Telling Her Anything is Women’s Work
All men know what this does to a woman. If you don’t then you are a pig and jerk. (Sorry for diverting from the humor.)
#4
Insulting her mother
Even if she doesn’t like her mother, always remember only she can insult her while you nod for support. You cannot start the insulting . . . unless it’s for very desperate reasons.
#3
Discussing your Playboy subscription during Sunday School class at church or in front of any of her friends
She may not even care that you have a subscription, but she doesn’t want everyone to know it. It makes her feel like either a) there is something wrong with her, or b) like you’re a complete jerk. We all know which one is true.
#2
Talking about how hot her sister/cousin/best friend/or if your girlfriend her daughter is
Yeah . . . I think the picture speaks for itself on this one.
#1
Calling her an ex-girlfriend’s name
Unless you decide to always date women with the same name, you may end up slipping on this one anyway. But the use of this when the lights go out will result in instant celibacy.
I doubt there are any of my Friends reading this that would actually need to use any of these, but I hop you were entertained. And those ladies that may have actually read, men wouldn’t really do this . . . you think?
The Daily Post Postaday asked what taste would I give up. That’s easy.
I would give up the taste of Blah. I wouldn’t want to taste Blah any longer. You put that spoonful of something in your mouth and . . . Blah happens. Food is an experience to me. Satisfy the taste buds and you satisfy the human.
Taste a truly delicious home grilled steak, or stuffed squash blossoms, then go to McDonald’s. Blah happens. Oh you think it was good before, but then you realize it is all disguised pink mush Blah. Give me spice, give me life, give me truth. Do not give me MSG and fakery.
Nishi is really expanding on her writing and blogging style. That ‘My Best Friend’ about broke my heart, and now she nails the man woman relationship in the technological age.
You have to check it out and let her know how great she’s doing. 🙂 Although I don’t need any further writing competition around here. Never mind!
Men, we think we have them snowed. You know all of our little ways of doing things, but we don’t. Nope. Women know. They know when you’re walking through the store and you shake that leg trying to get a muscle cramp out that you’re either a) trying to get the underwear back in place, or b) trying to get some other things in place.
Don’t yell men. I’m not giving away trade secrets. I haven’t given out the secret handshake yet.
But men, it’s time to give up the delusions.
Here are 5 things women know we’re doing:
#1
You’re not scratching your nose or rubbing your nose. No matter how fast you do it they see the thumb slip inside that nostril. They know.
#2
They know you aren’t behind a car with some faulty exhaust system when the smell hits after Taco Bell. Next time just the Tacos and not the additional Nachos Belle Grande.
#3
You don’t check for your wallet that many times. They know you’re scratching your butt.
#4
They know you are going to check out the waitress. You know you are going to check out the waitress. DON’T check out the waitress. And yes that means the other waitress a few booths behind the woman you are with that you are checking out while you pretend to be thinking about a question your lady asked you. We’re not that deep.
#5
They know what the word ‘fine’ means. They know it doesn’t mean yes. It means the same as ‘whatever’. In other words they know that you don’t want to do whatever it is but you are agreeing to it just so they will stop talking about it.
Life could be so much simpler, guys. I don’t really know how, but it could. Yes, the nose hair causes things to itch. Trim it. Tacos? Take something ahead of time or eat less than some small states. Butt itch? Use some powder or lotion. Waitress checking? Stare at the table or your woman. The word ‘fine’? Well there’s no solution to that one. No matter what we come up with they’ll just know.
Until next time, peace out and don’t pretend to stretch so you can smell if you forgot deodorant . . . or need it.
Have you ever been at work and something happens to your pants? Perhaps the zipper breaks, a button pops off. You can handle that somewhat, maybe. But then there is that moment when you hear it and you feel that sudden relaxing of the sides of the pants. The blow out has happened! The south forty has divided! Seaming disaster has occurred!
Yes, I think there should be pants vending machines in every work place. I’ve actually kept a small sewing kit in my brief case back in the day and had to sit in a restroom stall and sew on buttons, sew together fly flaps and yes, stitch together the back forty because it should have been a 44 instead.
But for me and all of us, just a simple no wrinkle pair of emergency pants would do for a day. And that is my vending machine wish for today’s The Daily Post Postaday.
Much Respect
Ronovan “Back 46” Writes (Okay I lost weight so I’m smaller.)
Amanda had a Pimple? On a Wedding Day? Say it isn’t so. Even more surprising were her disastrous solutions. Is an Egyptian Mummy wrap the solution? Read and find out. 🙂
@AmandaLyle86
“So I went into the mall and there were all of these people just staring at me with blank expressions on their faces. I don’t know maybe it was just me. The never even blinked. I felt like I was at a Sinead O’Connor benefit concert or something. All the women were bald but they were well dressed. I still don’t understand why they had the price tags on their clothes.”
“You’re an idiot!”
“Hey, I’m talking up here. This is my time to be an idiot, you don’t have a copyright on it, sir. Where was I? Oh yeah, I hate crowds, I can’t stand them.”
Amanda at Inside The Life of Moi rants better than anyone I know. Why? Because there is truth in her humorous rants. I ran across this one just now and I am still cringing and laughing from the awful truth of it.
@AmandaLyle86
10 Things Every Writer Needs But Never Thinks About
by: Ronovan
There are things that every writer needs that they never think about and no one will ever advise them on. Well today I will share with you those secret things that only the most experienced and dedicated writers know about and like to keep to themselves. But don’t tell anyone or my life will be endangered. And with that I give to you the first secret need:
A Fluffy Butt Cushion
All serious writers must use one of these. Have you ever noticed that groove that forms on your middle finger from writing for so many years, I call it my writer’s mark? That comes from the wearing away of tissue from all that writing. Well imagine what all that writing is doing to your butt. For some of us that might be a good thing, but for others . . . well I can tell you there are some that need to hang onto what the good Lord gave them or they’ll fall right through the potty seat.
Clock With Multiple Alarm Settings
Those writers who make words their lives forget about everything else. Now enters the need to schedule everything and set an alarm to it.
• Potty breaks
• Lunch
• Taking a drink of water
• Bathing—If not, then skip the next three
• Sex
• Wedding day—if you actually remember to go on a date
• Dates—Otherwise don’t worry about the previous three
If you are a serious writer then you will also need a portable alarm set for appropriate lengths of time after the Potty Break and Date breaks, and possibly the Wedding Day . . . Honeymoons do not require alarms, as long as they are not over 48 hours long.
Nair
This is for men and women writers. Shaving of anything takes too much time. Nair the hair or go super earthy. Unless you are Alan Moore you will not get away with the Sasquatch look.
See-Through Shower Door
With your imagination you will never come out of the shower for fear of what is on the other side of the curtain.
Shamwows
You’re a writer, you know why you need this and where you need this, and I’m not talking about geographical location. Men admit it you have Butt Sweats, get the Shamwow. Women . . . I read about . . . Chest(?) Sweats today. (Sorry I just could not type the other word.) (Why is it warm in here now? Should I include a fan on this list?)
Canaries
These are just in case either; a) the alarm clock does not work, or b) you ignore the alarm clock when it alerts you to shower time. If the Canary dies, it’s time for a shower. Miners used these things for a reason.
Dog
As a writer you’ll need someone who will love you no matter what. Cats are too smart and independent to love you just because you offer them a three day old piece of left out pizza. Plus if you smell like roadkill they will NOT come near you. A dog will still think you are the greatest thing ever since . . . that piece of pizza. Then of course they will intentionally lick your face lovingly after licking their butt. Dogs are sneaky little guys.
Plastic Flowers
Why? You need an alarm to tell
you to go Potty and have Sex
and you are asking why
Plastic Flowers?
A Clue
See Previous Need.
Ideas
If you are making lists of crazy things such a Canaries and Butt Sweat towels then you really need more ideas to write about.
Thus ends THIS list of the 10 Things Every Writer Needs But Never Thinks About. Keep them secret and take them to heart.
Here is a missed gem from @AmandaLyle86. Who would think she would be a Candy Crush Widow? There must be an eclipse of Mars or something somewhere. Just saying.
Oh Lord, please don’t tell Amanda I reblogged this one. She tells it like it is about her ummm “Monster”-in-law, her words not mine. I bet some of us can relate. @AmandaLyle86
I had no idea this is how texting worked. It makes you wonder how Amanda knows all of this, doesn’t it? 🙂 I can only imagine poor girl. Muahahahahahaa. She’s going to kill me when she gets back. Follower her on Twitter and surprise her with lots of new people.@AmandaLyle86
I just knew by the name of this one that Amanda had something to say. When does she not, right? She really goes off this time. At least there’s a Happy Meal included. Just saying. Click it and read it. She’s on vacation so check out her stories and follower her here and on Twitter as a surprise when she gets back. @AmandaLyle86 She hasn’t been on Twitter long but is really getting into it.
Yes, I greatly dislike it when she’s right. I almost didn’t share this one with everyone, but grrr…..why am I so honest sometimes? And she makes me LAUGH!!!!! Men don’t take away my man card for sharing this one. Remember to follow her on Twitter as well
The two men in front of me sitting at the table in the bar couldn’t be more different. One was dressed in flamboyant clothes like he couldn’t spare a thought for what anyone cared. The other was dressed more conservatively, wearing a button down suit and an what looked like a Calvin Klein tie. They both looked very handsome despite their very contrasting clothing styles, like just out of a movie. I was with my boyfriend. The man in the conservative clothes looked haggard.By what I could gather , he had lost his apartment to a devastating fire. The men ordered a pitcher of beer and started talking, The conversation soon turned to consumerism. It was pretty clear that one of them had pretty anti-consumerism views. The flamboyant guy , in a very passionate manner over a cigarette, started explaining to the other guy how materialism can end up consuming…
Another hilarious but true take on life by Amanda at Inside the Life of Moi. Thank goodness women blog or men would be bored to tears. Follow her on Twitter as well @AmandaLyle86.
Amanda ant Inside The life of Moi is on vacation so I’ve been nosing through her articles to tweet and reblog to help keep things out there. Oh My! I am so glad women write blogs because sometimes mean just can’t say things. She’s hilarious. Read it and Follow her, and on Twitter too. @AmandaLyle86
on pops off. You can handle that somewhat, maybe. But then there is that moment when you hear it and you feel that sudden relaxing of the sides of the pants. The blow out has happened! The south forty has divided! Seaming disaster has occurred!
ronovanwrites 